FINAL POST: When There's a Job Status Difference

Rodger:

I am a lawyer who works in a prestigious firm. Last week I agreed to go on a date with a guy who is the son of a friend of my aunt’s. It wasn’t until yesterday, after my aunt’s friend told the guy that I had agreed to go on the date, that I learned that this guy never finished college and works in construction.

I do not see the point of wasting my time when I know very well that I could never take him to any of the functions (dinners and cocktails parties) that all of us in the firm are expected to bring our spouses to, so there is no way this could ever go anywhere. Am I right to cancel before leading him on?

Lawyer Girl


Dear Lawyer Girl ~

It’s unbelievably prejudiced of you to assume that, just because you’re a lawyer, this construction worker will be embarrassed to accompany you to events & mingle with all your low-life lawyer buddies, even though they’re pretty much the dregs of society.

OK, now that I have that out of my system, here’s some actual advice.

You have no idea what this guy is like. Just because he doesn’t have a college diploma certainly doesn’t mean he’s stupid, if that’s what you’re concerned about. And besides that, if you have hardcore parameters as to who you’ll go on a single date with, you should have told that to your aunt before you ever agreed to go out with the guy.

Go on the date & find out who the guy is.

Rodger

Defining the Boundaries of Dating

Rodge—

I know that it is unwise to date someone you work with because if the relationship goes bad, so will the job. But what about dating a neighbor?

Specifically, I just bought my first house. The guy next door and I have chatted and he has helped me out with household problems such as cutting the branch off a tree. I would like to ask him out, but I fear that if the dating ends badly, then I will have tension with someone living right next door, not to mention losing my handy man.

Defining Dating Boundaries


Dear Defining Dating Boundaries ~

It’s not off limits to date either a coworker or a neighbor. The “No Trespassing” sign pops up only if you’re talking about dating your boss or employee, or your landlord or tenant.

As for the possibility of a relationship with a neighbor going south, yes, you should proceed with caution & consider the potential negative consequences before asking out the guy. But as long as you & he are both mature adults who know what you’re getting into (and what you may eventually have to get out of), there’s no reason why you shouldn’t take the risk & give it a shot.

Rodger

Size Matters

Rodger:

My boyfriend and I have been having a long standing argument that I hope you, as a gay guy, can help me with. I know gay guys are a lot more sexual than straight guys so I will ask you my question: My boyfriend claims that he has a very large penis but I do not have any way of knowing if that is true or not, so how large is the average man’s penis?

Girl with a Tape Measure


Dear Girl with a Tape Measure ~

I am bracing myself as I respond to your question, not because I don’t have a good response but because I can already hear my partner Tom yelling at me, as soon as he reads my answer, “And exactly how, Rodger, do you know the answer to this question?”

So I’ll start by saying that I found the answer on the Internet.

And that answer is: The average male penis is 5.1 inches long & has a circumference of 4.8 inches.

(Unless, of course, you happen to be in a chat room for gay men, & then you’ll need to double both dimensions.)

Rodger

The Power of Porn

Dear Rodger:

My BF of six months is addicted to porn. He watches it on the Internet at least two nights a week, consistently having a “happy ending” by the time the credits roll. Meanwhile, he and I have a great sex life, which means we have terrific sex at least two nights a week. I don’t want to have sex with him more than two nights a week, but I don’t like it when I ask him if he’s been climaxing while watching porn and he says “yes.” What to do?

Porn Addict’s GF


Dear Porn Addict’s GF ~

How about if you stop asking?

My point is, (1.) if he were lying to you, that would be a problem & (2.) if his watching porn were preventing the two of you from having a fulfilling sex life, that would be a problem.

But from what you’ve said, neither of those possibilities is at issue. The only problem occurs when you ask him a question that you apparently don’t want to hear the answer to . . . & presumably, at this point, pretty much know the answer to anyway.

Rodger

To My Readers

I am using today’s post to announce that I will soon bring my blog to an end.

My plan is to post a handful of letters along with the responses I’ve already written, but then to say “buh-bye” to my venture into offering relationship advice.

I've enjoyed this phase of my writing life, & I think I may even have succeeded in either helping some of you readers or adding a bright spot to your day—sometimes, maybe even both!

But the blog writing process—which includes reading your incoming letters, thinking about & then writing responses, posting the letters/responses, & moderating the comments that you send in during the day—demands a great deal of time & energy.

So I've decided to put the blog aside so I can move forward on another long-term writing project that's been simmering away on a back burner.

Thank all of you for your interest & support--

Rodger

When a Couple Moves Too Fast

Rodger—

My BF and I dated for two months and then moved in together.

I now realize that we moved too fast and should have dated longer before taking that big step. It is not that I want to break up with him, it is just that I am miserable and want to date for a while longer and only then decide if we want to move in.

In a situation like this, can a couple go backward and still survive?

Jumped the Gun


Dear Jumped the Gun~

Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, you have no choice but to try going back to the dating phase because the “miserable” state that you describe yourself as being in is simply unacceptable.

So, you have no guarantee that the relationship will survive. But, then again, you have no option but to give it a try.

Rodger

Identifying a Deal Breaker

Rodger:

My BF of three years and I are compatible in many ways. But we are on the verge of breaking up because I desperately want to have children and he adamantly refuses to have children. Now I am struggling because we are right for each other in so many ways, but I have always dreamed of having children and I just wonder if maybe he will change his mind about children if we get married and he sees that children are the next logical step so that we feel fulfilled.

On the Verge of Breaking Up


Dear On the Verge of Breaking Up ~

I’d put the possibility of your BF changing his mind about children “if you get married” in the same category as . . . “if my aunt grows a pair,” she’ll be my uncle.

In other words, if you place high value on having children & your BF is adamantly opposed to that idea, it’s time to say buh-bye & move on.

Rodger

Maturing vs. Settling

Dear Rodger:

Now that I am in my mid 30s I recognize that when I was in my 20s I had highly unrealistic expectations about who I would eventually marry. I was driven by those fairytale ideas of love and happy ever after that Hollywood promotes. Now I have come to accept the fact that it is unlikely that I will walk down the aisle with Brad Pitt. But I worry that perhaps I have given up too soon. How do I know if I am maturing or just settling?

35 and Unsure


Dear 35 and Unsure ~

If in your 20s you refused to go out with a guy because he was 20 pounds overweight or had thinning hair but now you would date such a guy, you are maturing. In other words, you are realizing that the 20-something version of you was shallow.

If at 35 you are not only willing to go on one date with a guy who carries around 20 extra pounds and has thinning hair but you also are willing to go on several dates with him, even though you are not in love with him but you see the possibility of that happening, you are maturing.

Rodger

When You Are an Accomplice

Dear Rodger—

I have a friend who is having an affair with a married man. The man and his wife are also acquaintances of mine and there have been several times that my friend has asked me to cover for her by telling the female acquaintance that my friend was with me when she really was with the married man.

I have told my friend that I am uncomfortable with this deceit of lying to the female acquaintance but my friend says that if I am her friend I should be willing to help her and stand by her.

I am tired of the deceit but I like to think of myself as a loyal friend. What should I do?

Reluctant Accomplice



Dear Reluctant Accomplice ~

If your “friend” is repeatedly asking you to lie so she can have a good time with another woman’s husband, she is not your friend at all. Stop lying for her, which will probably end your friendship, & that’s fine because she really isn’t your friend anyway.

Friends don’t help friends commit reprehensible acts . . . a statement that you have my permission to embroider on a pillow & sell to Pottery Barn.

Rodger

When You Are a Touchy Girl

Rodger—

I am a very gregarious person. When I am in a line waiting to go into a movie or in Starbucks having a cup of coffee, I chat with the man or woman in front of me or at the next table. A lot of times, this leads to me touching the person on the knee or on the back or on the arm.

I think this is a charming part of who I am—who doesn’t want a gregarious girlfriend? But my boyfriend finds it annoying. He tells me I can talk and touch women like this but not men. I tell him he is immature and has to accept me for who I am. Who is right?

Touchy Girl


Dear Touchy Girl~

It’s up to the two of you to decide what’s acceptable & what isn’t. Two people who are in a relationship have to develop their own customized rules vis-à-vis their behavior.

I probably should stop with the previous paragraph, but I’m going to go the next step & say I think your boyfriend would be on solid ground saying that you touching other men is going too far. Chatting, yes; touching, no.

Rodger

How Alpha Is Enough Alpha?

Dear Rodger:

I have been in a relationship for three years. Throughout this time I have always been the dominant partner. For instance, when I was offered a job in a new city that required us to move, my SO readily gave up his job and relocated with me. I am always dominant in lesser decisions too such as what restaurants we go to.

The only time we ever switched roles is when his parents said they did not like me because they do not think a woman should be so dominant. I then told my SO that if he did not stand up to them, I was ending the relationship. As soon as I told him that he immediately told me to get in the car and we drove right over to their house and he told them that if they did not accept me he was going to choose me over them. He could not possibly have performed better than he did.

Is all this a red flag that should be telling me to end the relationship?

Dominant Partner


Dear Dominant Partner ~

Let me see if I understand you correctly.

You generally like to make decisions, & your SO is fine with that.

But when you insist that he stands up for you, he does that.

And you are asking if these circumstances should cause you to end the relationship?

No, don’t end the relationship.

Instead, clone the guy & make a zillion dollars!!!

Rodger

When Dreams Are Not Shared

Dear Rodger,

My BF and I have been dating for three years and living together for two. We both agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are in our late 20s and make good salaries. I have been putting money into an account every month to pay for our wedding. My BF does not contribute to the account because he keeps spending his extra money each month on his wardrobe. I feel like I am the only one working to have the wedding of our dreams. I also fear that what is going on is that he is commitment phobic but does not want to say that directly but is communicating it by not saving money for the wedding.

Resentful Saver


Dear Resentful Saver ~

I wonder if you & your BF may not share the same dream—at least when it comes to the kind of wedding you want. That is, perhaps your dream is to have a big wedding, while he would be perfectly happy just to go down to the courthouse & find a justice of the peace. If that’s the case, you have to decide if you also would be satisfied with that scaled-down type of wedding.

In short, my advice is that you stop feeling resentful & start talking to your BF about what you both want & what compromises you’re both willing to make.

Rodger

Protecting the Family Jewels

Dear Rodger—

I have a question that may be too sexual for you to talk about, but it is very much on my mind and I really would like an honest answer from a man I trust.

My BF keeps complaining that I am too rough during sex. He doesn’t seem to mind what I do with his dick, but he gets all “testy” when I get too rough with his testicles.

My question: Are they really that fragile or is my BF just a wimp?

Girl Who Likes It Rough


Dear Girl Who Likes It Rough ~

Yes, the testicles are that fragile.

To support that statement, I’ll get all professorial on you & point out that “testes” is Latin for “to testify.” Indeed, back in Roman times, the testes were what our Bible is today. That is, men who were about to testify in court were required to place their right hand over their testicles.

I’ll also say that, if you & your BF eventually hope to have children, it’s in your best interest to go gentle when you start playing around in his crotch area. As long as the family jewels are protected, they’ll be able to produce the sperm you’ll need when it comes times to make babies. If they get damaged, however, we’re talking no babies . . . as well as one very pain-filled & angry BF.

Rodger

Timing Is Everything

Dear Rodger:

I know your blog is for straight women, but I hope you’ll be willing to respond to my letter, even though I am a straight man, because I’m afraid I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Last weekend I told a woman who is highly intelligent, extremely kind, has a great sense of humor and is extremely attractive that I had to end our relationship. I did this because it's been less than three months since I signed the divorce papers that ended six years of marriage that were a horrendous nightmare except for my toddler son who I have committed to making my priority for the next stage of my life.

I told the woman I broke up with that I had to end the relationship because she wanted a commitment (because she is 35 and wants children) and I am not ready to do that right now. She said she understood and had no hard feelings toward me, which was the right thing for her to do but I fear I have now lost the perfect mate.

Am I a Fool?


Dear Am I a Fool? ~

You are not a fool; you are a person of integrity.

You told the woman the truth, which is highly commendable. And based on what you have said, that’s the only thing you could have told her.

When you feel like you’re ready to make a commitment to the woman, I encourage you to make an effort to reconnect with her. She may, at that point, still be interested in picking up on her relationship with you. Then again, she may have moved on. Whatever happens, you should be proud of yourself for having done the right thing vis-à-vis your son.

Rodger

Deciding if a Guy Is Commitment Phobic

Dear Rodger:

My BF has been in two serious relationships before, both of them ended after three years—same place as we are now. I am afraid that I may be broken relationship No. 3.

About a year ago I brought up, in a subtle way, the idea of getting married. He said he wanted to wait until he got out of debt. He has since made some progress on that, but he still has some debt.

Because of his two previous relationships, I am concerned that his pattern spells commitment phobic. How can I determine if he is or is not serious about marrying me?

I Don’t Want to Be No. 3


Dear I Don’t Want to Be No. 3 ~

I AM WRITING MY RESPONSE TO YOU IN CAPITAL LETTERS IN THE HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU ARE RESIDING!!!

The best way to figure out if he is or isn’t ready to get married is to ask him.

I know, I know, you’re probably one of those girls who would prefer that he ask you, but, well, that doesn’t seem to be happening. So my suggestion is that you propose to him. At the very least, this should help you figure out exactly where you stand in the relationship. At the most, you’ll soon be walking down the aisle.

Rodger

When There's an Age Gap

Dear Rodger:

I am a 32-year-old man who is involved with a 51-year-old man. We have been dating for eight months and are very compatible.

I think I am “old” for my age while he is “young” for his age. By that, I mean that he likes to go out to clubs a lot more than I do. If he had his choice, we would go dancing and drinking three nights a week. If I had my choice, we would go out maybe once a month. So we have compromised on once a week. And that seems to work.

For a few more details, we both have higher educations and we both have professional careers. He makes about $20,000 more a year than I do, but that is only because he has been working longer than I have.

Even though so many things seem to be working and I really love him, my family members insist that I should be with a man my own age.

What do you think?

An Old Soul


Dear An Old Soul ~

Numerous studies have found that two gay men with age differences of 15 or 20 years can have very stable & long-lasting relationships. Also, I’ve known lots of fulfilled couples with the kind of age gap you’ve described.

As long as the two of you are happy with this arrangement, I see no reason for concern. Just try not to be such an “old soul” that you’re no longer young enough for him!

Rodger

When Being Comfortable Means Being Gross

Dear Rodger:

For the first time in my life, I am living with a BF. This is great, mostly. The trouble is that we are now in the stage where we no longer feel a need to impress each other, so we can be totally comfortable with each other. For me, that means no longer wearing makeup when it is just the two of us but just go natural. I get the feeling he wants me to wear makeup but he hasn’t said that directly. For my BF it means he typically doesn’t shower for 48 hours—sometimes even 72! I’m OK with him not shaving, but not showering means he has terrible BO that completely turns me off, especially when he wants to have sex. What do I do?

Natural but Clean


Dear Natural but Clean~

The two of you need to talk about how comfortable is too comfortable.

My suggestion is that you broach the subject in terms of your own uncertainties about your BF’s comfort level with you not wearing makeup. This should open the door to you expressing your desire for him to shower every 24 hours. The downside is that your BF may say he wants you to wear makeup all the time. It then would be for you to decide if you’re willing to do that, but my vote would be that wearing makeup is a whole lot better than having to hold your nose whenever you get too close to the BF.

Rodger

Is a Hair Transplant a Career Must?

Dear Rodge—

My fiancé and I decided to get married nine months ago. I told him at the time that I have always dreamed of having a diamond ring and he promised he would give me one—as soon as he saved enough money. That seemed reasonable at the time, but now he is spending $8,000 on a hair transplant. When I said “I thought you were saving your money to buy me a diamond” he said “I am, but I have to get a hair transplant or else I won’t be able to advance in my career.” Career! The guy is not a movie star or even a salesman, he is a supervisor for construction workers and wears a hardhat most of the time! So my question is: Is he commitment phobic and is his real point in not buying me a ring his way of delaying the wedding?

Ringless


Dear Ringless ~

I suggest you change your name from “Ringless” to “Clueless.”

The issue I see in your description is not about his commitment to marrying you but his commitment to fulfilling a promise he made to you.

I suggest that you point out that $8,000 is more than enough to pay for a decent-sized diamond & that fulfilling a promise is much higher on your list of values than is vanity.

Before you make that strong statement, however, you need to ask yourself the question: Am I willing to end the relationship because of this issue?

And, again, the core issue doesn’t revolve around the ring but the promise.

Rodger

Talking Dirty during Sex

Rodger:

My BF and I have an excellent sex life. He is very attentive and very responsive, as am I. My one disappointment is that I keep asking him to talk dirty to me during sex, but he keeps refusing. I think dirty talk is fun, and it really turns me on. Should I keep demanding that he talk dirty to me because I like it?

Nasty Boy


Dear Nasty Boy ~

Talking dirty is a skill, just like . . . oh, I don’t know, . . .dancing the jitterbug while wearing 4-inch heels. Some people can do it, many of us can’t.

And from what I hear, talking dirty is one skill that most gay men don’t possess. Indeed, most gay porn stars don’t even make the grade, which is why 85 percent of gay male porn fans hit the mute button rather than listening to the big boys talk.

So, if you & your BF have what you describe as “excellent” sex, I suggest you drop your request that he talk dirty to you & bask in his other sexual talents instead.

Rodger

Getting Dizzy from Multiple Dating

Dear Rodger—

I am 28 and have been married and divorced twice. Because my friends tell me that I got too serious too fast with my two exes because I married both of them after knowing them five months and seven months, I am now trying to date multiple guys at the same time so I will not get too serious with any one of them too fast. Right now I am dating three guys, but I am feeling very guilty about it. I have told all three that I am dating other guys, but I keep slipping up and getting things wrong about which one has the alcoholic grandmother and which one changed his major from Spanish to chemistry when he was a sophomore in college and details like this. What is the secret to dating multiple guys?

Dizzy Dater


Dear Dizzy Dater ~

It sounds to me like the secret to dating multiple guys, at least for you, is: Don’t do it!

As an alternative approach, how about if you date one guy at a time but commit yourself to not marrying anyone until you’ve dated him for an absolute minimum of one year.

Rodger

Where to Find a Husband

Dear Rodger:

I will graduate from college this spring. I am embarrassed to say what I am now going to say because I know how it will sound, but my primary concern about the next step in my life is where I should move so I can find a husband.

My degree is in secondary education so I can get a job anywhere so I would like to move to a city where the chances of finding a husband are excellent. Where should I go?

Looking for a Husband


Dear Looking for a Husband ~

This is a difficult letter for me to respond to. The problem isn’t that I don’t have an answer but that it’s tough to type while rolling my eyes, saying, “tsk, tsk, tsk” & screaming “This girl belongs in the 1950s!” all at the same time.

That being said, my answer is a simple one: “Go west, young woman.”

That is, the U.S. Census Bureau’s most recent info on the subject of which cities have more single men than single women (specifically, the American Community Survey, released in 2006) points to several cities in the West or Southwest.

Los Angeles, for example, is listed as having 90,000 more single men than single women. Other top contenders are Phoenix & San Francisco, both listed as having 65,000 more single men than single women. Three more possibilities are San Diego, Dallas & Seattle, which all have substantially more unattached men than unattached women.

I can’t finish this response, though, without adding that the Census folks don’t get into how many of these single men are of the ho-ho variety, so I’m guessing Los Angeles & San Francisco might not have as many hetero boys as the figures suggest.

Rodger

Lifetime Values vs. Momentary Pleasures

Rodger—

I married my husband three months ago because we share the same values and I knew he would make a good husband and a good father, conclusions I came to after we had dated for three years. But now I met this new guy at work who I have great chemistry with. From his first day on the job a month ago, we just clicked (in a way my husband and I never did) because we like the same TV shows and the same restaurants where we go for lunch (not just me and him, a group of us from the office). My husband and I do not like the same shows and rarely both like the same restaurant. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? And if I did, what do I do now?

Questioning Newlywed


Dear Questioning Newlywed ~

Let me make sure I’ve got this right.

You spent three years getting to know a man so well that you made a lifetime commitment to him because you & he share the same values . . . but you’re now thinking about kicking him to the curb, a mere three months after marrying him, because you’ve run into a guy who likes the same TV shows & lunch spots as you do?

Either you’re not listening to yourself or you’re another of my readers who ate an extra bowl full of stupid for breakfast this morning!

In case you're not clear on my advice: Stick with your husband & your commitment.

Rodger

Get Your Parents on the Line

Rodge,

My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I don’t have a steady income. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with girlfriends. On two nights I have met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I didn’t call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them that there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop now while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?

No Home of My Own


Dear No Home of My Own ~

Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. And this is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as your parents will be understandably worried until you assure them that you’re OK.

As for calling to tell them your plans, there’s no reason why you have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call would be a wise safety precaution, just in case the guy is, you know, an ax murderer.

Rodger

When Your SO Is Lousy at Giving Gifts

Dear Rodger:

My SO has a whole lot going for him, but the one occasion when I cringe is that moment when I unwrap a birthday or Christmas gift from him. The guy sucks when it comes to choosing gifts. It is not that he is cheap as he is very generous in how much he spends. But he ends up either giving me something to use in the kitchen, which I hate because I consider a mixer or waffle iron a utilitarian item that I could buy myself if I needed it, or an item of clothing that is not in keeping with my style so I have to take it back to the store and I feel guilty about doing that. Answer please?

Reluctant Unwrapper


Dear Reluctant Unwrapper ~

How about creating your own gift registry?

In these days of on-line shopping, you could go to, for example, the Nordstrom site & find items of clothing that you like & then give him a list.

Besides, since your SO is so generous, you can place really, really expensive items on your list—not for your own benefit, of course, but to give him the added pleasure of . . . OK, yes, totally for your own benefit!

Rodger

Pressure to Get Engaged

Dear Rodger:

My GF (of a little more than a year) and I love each other. I just bought a large condo and her lease is up in three months. I have asked her to move in with me when her lease is up, but she says she won’t do that unless we get engaged and set a date for the wedding within no more than a year of the engagement. I say that I can definitely see marriage to her down the road at some point but not that soon. Am I being too stubborn?

Not Ready Just Yet


Dear Not Ready Just Yet ~

The real issue here seems to be whether you & your GF should allow her lease to determine the course of your lives. I’ll go with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.

If her lease expires & you decide you’re not ready to become engaged, she can decide either to continue the relationship or to end it. As for the lease, well, it can decide whether to . . . NO! . . . I am happy to give advice to letter writers, but not to leases.

Rodger

What Is Too Young?

Dear Rodger,

I have found the man of my dreams. We have been in a monogamous relationship for two years, we still get a thrill every time we get together and we are never disappointed in the other person. We have had a few disagreements but have always talked things through before we have gone to bed that night.

The trouble is that I am 20, he is 21. Our parents and most everyone we know say we are too young for marriage. We will both graduate from college this spring and we want to get married in the summer. We have not lived together yet because we both depend on our parents financially and they do not want us to live together. Are we too young?

In Love but Young


Dear In Love but Young ~

Considering all the people who are struggling to find someone they love & want to share their life with, you first should congratulate yourselves for finding each other.

I suppose it’s now time for me to stop stalling & give you a response.

The issue isn’t a question of youth but of maturity. If the two of you have already had disagreements & have worked through them, it sounds like you may have passed the litmus test vis-à-vis maturity.

That still sounds like stalling on my part, doesn’t it?

Based on my many years as a college professor who’s observed young people beginning their lives as adults, two major pieces that have to fall into place to achieve contentment are finding a career path & a location that you like. And so, I urge you to wait until both of you are settled into jobs & are living somewhere you like. The chances are good that you’ll have taken both of those steps by a year from now.

More stalling on my part, you say?

OK fine. Here’s the deal: Graduate. Find jobs. Live together for a year. If your feelings for each other are as strong then as they are today, book the wedding.

Rodger

The Intelligence Gap

Dear Rodger:

My boyfriend recently asked me after two years of dating, one year of which we have lived together, to marry him. We are very compatible or we would not have succeeded together this long. The one detail that continues to grate on me, though, is that I earned my master’s from one of the most prestigious colleges in the country while he earned his from a state school that is no higher than the third tier of educational institutions. This intelligence gap between us has not, up to this point, caused any major problems between us, but I am afraid that it eventually might. Is this a deal breaker?

Girl with a High IQ


Dear Girl with a High IQ ~

Responding to your letter is causing me a great deal of anxiety. My concern isn’t that I don’t have an answer for you but that I fear if I keep writing I’m going to make a grammatical error & then you’ll figure out that I got my master’s from a state school & stop reading my response.

So I’ll just try to finish up real quick (or should that be quickly?) & say: Quit being a diploma snob & marry the guy before he dumps you for being so elitist.

Rodger

The Difference between "Can't" & "Won't"

Dear Rodger:

My BF and I have been together for over a year. The beginning was great but then he started grad school at night. Now I want to move the relationship to the next level but we still only see each other on the weekend because he has a demanding job during the day and goes to class two nights a week and studies the other nights. I feel resentful because he won’t give me any more of his time and energy but he says he can’t give me any more than after work and school. Is it time to end this one-sided relationship?

Wanting More


Dear Wanting More ~

Your first step is to decide which of the following two sentences is accurate:

My boyfriend WON’T give me any more of his time & energy.

My boyfriend CAN’T give me any more of his time & energy.

If the accurate statement is the first one (he could make more room for you in his life but has made the decision to relegate you to just one little corner), you have every right to question whether it’s time to end the relationship.

If the accurate statement is the second one (because of the understandable career priorities in his life, he simply doesn’t have any more time to give the relationship right now), stop torturing yourself & accept that.

My final thought is that if you decide the second description is the accurate one, you could show your support by offering to go out of your way to see him by, for example, going to his work location & taking him to lunch one day each week.

Rodger

Costumes as a Turn-on

Dear Rodger:

I am a 28-year-old gay man who is dating a 42-year-old gay man. We have been dating for only two months but I think he could be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with for various reasons.

The one reason why I am not sure about him is that he keeps asking me to dress up in a costume when we have sex. Well, not exactly a costume but a policeman’s hat and billy club. I keep laughing this off when he asks me because I have never done anything like this. In the back of my mind I think he sees me as some little boy toy because of our age difference and wants to dress me up like some little baby doll.

Reluctant Policeman


Dear Reluctant Policeman ~

I was very tempted to begin this letter with the greeting “Dear Overthinker.”

That is, while no one should ever agree to perform a sex act that he or she isn’t comfortable performing, I can’t see the harm in putting on a police officer’s hat & holding onto a billy club. (I’ll admit, though, that my answer may be influenced by the fact that my last anniversary gift to Tom was a fireman’s hat—love ya, Tombo!)

As for your fears that your BF is trying to turn you into a boy toy, if all you have to go on is this one request, I’ll put on my judge’s robe & slam down my gavel as I rule: “Insufficient evidence. Case dismissed.”

Rodger

Is It Wrong to Be Going Nowhere?

Dear Rodger—

I am dating a guy that I like being with on dates but that I cannot possibly see spending my life with. He has far too little ambition and has no interest in gaining the additional education that he needs to progress in his field of social work. We both like going to movies and would rather go with someone else than by ourselves because this way we have someone to talk about the movie with afterward. My career is much, much further along than his is and yet I do not seem to want to end the relationship and find someone else right now because it would take too much energy. Is it wrong of me to continue to date someone I do not see a future with?

32 and Unsure


Dear 32 and Unsure ~

There’s nothing wrong with dating a guy who you don’t see as being The One. As long as the two of you enjoy each other’s company, that’s fine. Who knows, maybe you’ll even inspire the guy to go back to school & get that education you’re so sure he needs.

One thing that would be wrong, though, is promising the guy—or even subtly leading him to believe—that the two of you have a future together, as in the Big M.

But as long as there have been no such promises & are no such expectations, keep enjoying your time together for however long it continues to feel good.

Rodger

When Your Man Is Too Pretty

Rodger:

My fiancé is a handsome man with a wonderful body. I get very irritated when other women and gay men leer at him. He never leads any of these people on, he just politely turns away when one of them tries to engage him in conversation or find an excuse to touch him. Short of hanging a sign around his neck that says “Taken” how can I get these droves of men and women to stop or at least get myself to stop being irritated. Sometimes it makes me so angry when this happens at a party or a dinner that my entire evening is ruined by my anger inside.

Engaged to a Hunk


Dear Engaged to a Hunk ~

So you’re engaged to a man who is so attractive that he transforms admiring gay men & straight women into fools who throw themselves at him . . . & you expect to get sympathy out of me? (You clearly don’t know much about gay men!)

Now that I’ve gotten my snarky comment out of the way, I’ll try to say something helpful.

As with virtually every reaction we have to some stimulus, you either have to accept yours as something you cannot change or have the courage to change it.

My belief is that your particular “burden” falls into the second category. So, suck it up & accept that others are going to continue to admire your fiancé. While sucking it up, remind yourself how fortunate you are that he doesn’t respond to those admirers but deals with them with a level of maturity that you need to emulate.

Rodger

Can a SO Be Your Everything?

Dear Rodger—

My BF thinks it’s weird that I don’t have any close girlfriends. I had several when I was in college but now I find it so hard to keep up with the job and the relationship and maintaining contact with my family. I don’t have the time or energy left to maintain close friendships too but my BF insists that some of the stuff I want to talk to him about would be better talked about with close girlfriends, especially things about celebrities I read about in the tabloids and want to gossip with somebody about. Is he right, am I weird?

Girl with Too Much to Say


Dear Girl with Too Much to Say ~

The question isn’t if you're weird. The question is if your babbling about celebrity gossip is annoying your BF to the point that it’s an issue. Sounds like it is.

Two options come to mind.

One is that your BF accepts the fact that one of a SO’s roles is at least to act like he/she is listening to the other person’s mindless babble. In my 25+ years with Tom, I’ve certainly listened to my share (the mere mention of the word “England” pushes a button in Tom that causes him to drone on & on about British royalty from some ancient century involving Edward I & Charles the II & Henry the Who Gives a Rat’s Ass—sorry Tombo, love ya!).

The second option is that you get involved in some Internet social-networking community that’s interested in celebrity gossip. That way, you can develop some virtual girlfriends who demand far less care & feeding than real ones . . . while not annoying your BF.

Rodger

Relationships & Stepchildren

Dear Rodger:

My fiance has two children from a previous marriage. They spend every second weekend with us, which is fine. I am glad he includes his children in his life, and I get along well with them when they are with us.

The problem is that the children’s mother insists that they eat nothing but organic food, which means our food bill skyrockets when they are with us. We have to spend twice as much money as usual because we have to buy things like that ridiculously expensive kind of salmon. My fiance and I split our household expenses, so I resent spending that money on food when otherwise we could spend it on us going out.

I have mentioned my irritation to my fiance but he says this is the way it is. I say his ex should not be able to dictate what the children eat when they are with us but he says she is the custodial parent and has that right.

Stuck in the Middle


Dear Stuck in the Middle ~

I try hard to empathize with people who send me letters, but I admit that your letter has taken me beyond the pale. If you had said that you & your fiance can’t afford to pay the higher cost of food when the kids come, my answer may have been different, but that’s not the case.

So, I agree with your fiance: Suck it up & accept the realities of the situation.

Rodger

Public Displays of Affection

Rodger –

I have always been a touchy feely type. I am the kind of girl who automatically hugs a friend or coworker when I see them. Sometimes I will gently stroke someone on the back, other times I will rest my hand on the other person’s arm. None of this is in an aggressive or inappropriate way. I am just a toucher.

The problem is that my boyfriend does not like to touch in public. He is fine with cuddling and canoodling, etc. when we are at his place or my place, but if I try to hold hands with him or even touch his arm while we are out to dinner or waiting in line at a movie, he instantly pulls away and sometimes even scowls at me.

My friends tell me I should change my behavior. They like my boyfriend a lot and say that he is so good for me in so many ways that I should adjust to this one little thing. But I am not sure because touching has always been such a big part of me.

Toucher


Dear Toucher ~

In addition to touching your boyfriend, have you ever considered talking to him?

If everything else about your relationship feels right, as you claim, that means you should be able to talk with your boyfriend about what’s bothering you—if you can't talk to him about this, then you’ve got a much bigger problem than different preferences about public displays of affection.

My suggestion is that you tell your boyfriend, calmly but directly, that touching in public is important to you & then ask him if there’s some reason why he prefers not to have contact of that kind. I won’t speculate as to what that reason might be, but maybe there is one. (OK, one suggestion: Maybe he hates the word “canoodling” as much as I do, & therefore doesn’t want to be accused of doing it in public.)

If his reason makes sense to you, maybe you will indeed have to adjust as your friends suggest. But first have the conversation.

Rodger

When Baby Comes before the Wedding

Dear Rodger,

My fiancé and I have made the arrangements for our wedding. We reserved a church for the ceremony and a hotel for the reception, we hired a DJ, we hired a photographer and a videographer, we ordered the flowers and we ordered the cake. Everything is set for 14 months from now. But I have just learned I am 2 months pregnant.

We very much want to have the baby, but we have already paid deposits for all these things totaling something like $10,000, plus we have hired all these people like the photographer who turned down other couples who wanted to hire him for the day of our wedding.

Now What?


Dear Now What? ~

Lucky you!

Not only have you found each other—something that millions of people never succeed in doing—but the two of you are also having a baby you want & you will love—something that millions more people only dream of.

My advice is that you have a civil ceremony tout suite & have your baby on schedule. Then turn your planned wedding into a big-ass celebration of . . . well, your good fortune both on finding each other & on welcoming your child into the world!

Rodger

Spouse vs. Parents

Dear Rodger:

My husband has been having a hard time getting the kind of job he deserves to have. He has a master’s degree in human resources so he has the credentials that are required for a responsible job in that field. He has sent out a bunch of resumes, though, but has not been successful. So right now he is working at Starbucks.

This situation is fine with me because I know he is trying and it isn’t like he is staying at home eating Doritos while I work. He and I have talked about his job hunting strategy and I agree with it.

My parents have a very different take. They don’t say anything to him, but they are constantly telling me that he needs to try harder to find a better job. They say he should quit Starbucks and devote all his time to finding a real job. I tell them that he is applying for jobs and I support his strategy but they keep complaining to me about him.

I am very tired of hearing my parents complain about the man I love when I think he is doing the best he can. Am I doing the right thing?

Trying to do the right thing


Dear Trying to do the right thing ~

You are right on two counts & wrong on one. You are right to have talked with your husband about a job-hunting strategy, & you are right to support him in that strategy.

You are wrong, however, in continuing to listen to your parents complain about your husband. You need to remind them that you agree with what your husband is doing. Then you need to stop listening to them. That means that if they start complaining, tell them you’re not willing to listen to them. If they keep talking, tell them you’re either walking away (if you’re with them) or you’re hanging up (if you’re on the phone with them).

You & your husband are going through a difficult time. You will face more challenges in your marriage, & you need to talk to each other & then support each other—this time as well as in the future.

Rodger

How Do You Know if Mr. Right Is Mr. Yours?

Rodger—

I have been dating forever but now I have finally found Mr. Right. We are perfect for each other because we both love to go shopping during the day and dancing at night. The one thing that I need to ask you about is that he talks on the phone every night with his old BF. Should I demand that he stop talking to the old BF so often or is that nagging?

Gay and Happy Too


Dear Gay and Happy Too~

Don’t pee on my leg & tell me it’s raining.

That is, don’t describe how a guy is still involved with his old boyfriend & then tell me he’s your Mr. Right.

If he’s committed to you & your relationship, he should reduce his contact with his “old” boyfriend on his own. It shouldn’t require any demanding on your part.

Rodger

Taking a Big Risk

Rodger—

I am a cliché. That is I am a 39-year-old divorced woman who would like to get married. I have gotten serious with a 42-year-old man who I would like to marry and he would like to marry me. The problem is that he has never been married before and my friends all tell me that marrying someone who is that old and has never been married before is taking a big risk because he must be incapable of committing to someone. Are they right?

A Cliché


Dear Cliché ~

Your friends are absolutely right. Marrying someone in his 40s who has never been married before means taking a big risk.

They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who’s already been divorced once is taking a big risk because he might divorce you, too.

They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who is widowed is taking a big risk because you might never come up to the standards of his dead wife.

In other words, there’s a big risk involved in committing to pretty much anyone, regardless of which category the person fits into. If you’re ready to commit & he’s ready to commit & you have no other hesitations except the label he wears, buy yourself a pair of Nikes & then “just do it.”

Rodger

Setting Limits on Parents

Dear Rodger:

Jeff and I have been dating for nine months. I not only enjoy being with him but he also possesses all of the traits that I want in a guy.

The one thing that I object to is his parents. They call him a minimum of two times a day—EVERY day. They call at 8 a.m. to make sure he is awake and getting ready for work. Then they call again at 6 p.m. to make sure he is going to have a good dinner.

They also fly in the first weekend of every month—EVERY month—solely to spend the weekend with Jeff. They treat me fine when they visit, which is nice. But I think they are too much involved in Jeff’s life. He is 34 and I fear that if they are still insisting on taking care of him this much now, they are not going to let go if we get married.

Let the Boy Go


Dear Let the Boy Go~

Your problem can be solved with one tiny little word change. That is, instead of signing your letter “Let the Boy Go,” you should have signed it “Let the Parents Go.”

In other words, I don’t see this as a problem of the parents needing to let their boy go as much as a problem of the boy needing to let his parents go.

At 34, Jeff is all grown up and should be ready to cut the mommy & daddy strings. You need to sit down with the “boy” and communicate this to him. It takes both possessive parents and a complicit son to continue this sort of relationship. Jeff should set the limits that his parents will then have no choice but to accept—limits such as (1) no more than three phone calls a week & (2) no more than four weekend visits a year.

Rodger

When There Are Strings Attached

Dear Rodger:

I am 25 years old and just completed my PhD in U.S. history. I have been in a relationship for two years with a professor I met who is tenured and teaching in the English department at my university. He is 45. Our university has a rule that prohibits the hiring of people with PhDs from this university. My partner says that he is willing to give up his tenured position here in order to move to another university where we can both have positions, me in a history department and him in an English department.

His one stipulation is that the university where we both go has to be in a large metropolitan area. His reason for this is: “I do not want to give up my tenured position to move to some remote university and then we break up and I am left in some tiny little town with no gay community and therefore no possibility for finding another partner.”

This stipulation makes me very angry. It sends me the message that he does not have faith in our relationship and is already planning for what he will do next once our relationship ends. Is my anger justified?

Angry


Dear Angry ~

I can understand how your partner’s stipulation & reasoning give you pause, but I’m not sure your anger is justified.

He will be making a major sacrifice for you & the relationship if he gives up his tenured position. In that context, his stipulation seems reasonable.

Besides, wouldn’t you also prefer moving to a university located in a city with a large gay community?

Rodger

Paying the Price for Making a Mistake

Rodger—

I made a very big mistake about a year ago. I had been in a monogamous relationship for two years when I had a brief affair with another man. My SO found out about the affair and questioned me about it. I admitted what I had done and said that I regretted doing it, which I did. My SO was very angry but eventually said he was willing to continue in what would now have to be an open relationship. He said the ground rules would be that we both could have sex with other people but we would not talk about those sexual encounters. I agreed to those rules because I did not want to lose him. But now, two months into the open relationship, I just cannot take it because I am filled with anxiety constantly, fretting all the time about what my SO is doing and who he is doing it with. How can I become comfortable with the open relationship?

Girl Who Made a Mistake


Dear Girl Who Made a Mistake~

My guess is that you can’t. It sounds like you place great value on monogamy & can’t adjust to a non-monogamous relationship, even though you made a major error.

My suggestion is that you talk to your SO, apologize again for making an enormous mistake & ask him under what circumstances he would be willing to return to a monogamous relationship.

If he is unwilling to return to a monogamous relationship, you may have to end the relationship. And learn from that experience.

Rodger

A Success Story!

Dear Rodger:

Mine was the very first letter you posted back in September, so I wanted to report back to you that your advice worked great!

I wrote that I am dating a guy named Jim who was a total geek in how he dresses and wears his hair. You told me to volunteer to make myself his personal shopper and his stylist. I have done this, and it is working really, really well.

He still refuses to spend his own time shopping but he is very happy to wear anything I buy for him. He just gives me his credit card and tells me to buy him things, which I love doing. He also agreed to go with me to my hair stylist and have his hair styled and he is willing to go back to the stylist every 4 weeks.

Thank you!

Girl with a Geek


Dear Girl with a Geek~

Major congratulations! Now you just need to keep the boy on a short leash so no other girl comes along & nabs your well-coiffed & well-dressed beau!

Rodger

When There's Trouble in the Bedroom

Rodger,

My SO has asked me to marry him and I want to. The one shortcoming is that everything is good except the sex. We do not have sex often and when we do it does not make me see stars. Would I be wrong to refuse to marry because of mediocre sex?

I Like Sex


Dear I Like Sex~

As tempted as I am to respond to your letter with a snarky comment, I’ll pass up that opportunity & simply say that, no, you are not wrong. If quality sex is high on your list of what you want &/or need in a relationship & your SO is not providing it, you are on solid ground to opt not to continue in the relationship.

Before you make that decision, though, you need to communicate with your SO about this reality. A SO’s inability to meet your standard in the bedroom is no different than an inability to meet your needs emotionally or in any other way. That is, if you’re not satisfied, you need to let him know that. He very well may be willing & able to come up to your standard—with your help.

Rodger

Friends with Benefits

Rodger—

I have what our culture calls “a friend with benefits.” In other words, I have known this guy for a couple of years and we have sex with each other, generally once a week. Neither one of us considers us to be a couple though. I am recently beginning to have emotional feelings for the guy, but I am afraid to mention my feelings to him because I fear that could disrupt the good sex. What are your thoughts?

Unsure


Dear Unsure~

You have sex once a week but do not talk about your feelings. Sounds like a typical marriage to me.

My advice is that you figure out what the Hell you want & then articulate those desires, first to yourself & then to your friend.

Rodger

When to Drop the Bomb--or Is It a Bomb?

Rodger:

I have been dating a guy who has a good job and is fun to be with. The big minus is that he wears a hairpiece.

It is not an ugly, terribly obvious one. On our first couple dates, I did not even recognize it was a hairpiece. When we went to bed I got close enough to his head to know for sure.

And it is not just that he wears a hairpiece but that he has not confessed that to me after THREE MONTHS of dating.

Betrayed


Dear Betrayed~

First of all, I was tempted to address this response to: Drama Queen.

My temptation was prompted by the fact that you made the statement “he has not confessed” to wearing a hairpiece & that you signed your letter “Betrayed.”

In today’s relationship culture, words such as “confessed” & “betrayed” should be the exclusive property of women whose SOs have done way more than covering a bald head.

Yes, I suppose he should find a way to make a reference to the hairpiece, but I can’t see as how he has to do that within any particular timeframe & I hardly think wearing such a thing is something that he has to “confess” or that should be the reason for you to end the relationship.

Rodger

When Couples Stick to Specific Roles

Dear Rodger,

I have been dating this guy for over two months. I cannot say that I am in love, but I definitely am in serious like. One thing I am finding annoying is that he is always the one who asks me to get together on a certain night but then he always expects me to figure out exactly what we should do. Like if we should go to dinner at a certain restaurant or go see a movie or go dancing or whatever. No matter what I suggest he always agrees and always pays whatever costs are involved. Is this a red flag that I am always going to be the one who gives more to the relationship and so I should move on?

The Planner


Dear Planner ~

No, I don’t see what you’ve described as a red flag at all. There’s nothing wrong with one person consistently handling a particular responsibility in a relationship, as long as that’s balanced with the other person taking on other responsibilities.

You’re the social director while he’s the scheduler & the banker. Sounds like a perfectly good tradeoff to me.

Rodger

Your Parents & Your Lifestyle

Rodge,

My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I do not have a steady income coming in. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with my girlfriends. There have been two or three nights when I met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I did not call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them because I am 28 years old and there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop for a few minutes while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?

No Home of My Own


Dear No Home of My Own~

Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. That reality is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as it’s completely understandable that your parents will worry until you tell them where you are & that you’re OK.

As for calling to tell them your plans (I’m assuming they don’t text, right?), you don’t have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call is a wise safety measure, just in case the guy is, in fact, an ax murderer.

Rodger

When Is a "Quirk" a Deal Breaker?

Dear Rodger,

In two months from now I will marry a man who has just two little quirks.

When we go to restaurants, he always gets angry with the waiter. Sometimes he criticizes the guy for having a bad attitude and other times he makes the waiter take back the food because it is cold. No matter what, there is always an unpleasant argument with the waiter that causes me great anxiety or embarrassment.

Things are different in the car because it does not get so public. It used to be that he would drive and would always yell and honk at some other driver. So I started to drive, but he still yells and now leans over to my side and honks the horn. What this means is that I am always afraid when we are driving in the car.

Should I just suck it up and accept that no one is perfect?

Uncomfortable and Afraid


Dear Uncomfortable and Afraid~

It’s time for a quiz. So take out your no. 2 pencil & answer two questions:

1. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be filled with anxiety whenever I go to a restaurant with my future husband, knowing that I will be embarrassed & have an unpleasant time. Yes or No

2. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be afraid whenever I get in the car with my future husband, knowing that he will yell & honk the horn. Yes or No

If your answer to both questions is Yes, marry the guy.

If your answer to either question is No, postpone the wedding until the guy goes to a professional counselor specializing in anger management.

Rodger

Siblings & Money

Dear Rodger,

I know your blog is targeted to straight women, but my straight male friends and I also read it. So I am hoping you well agree to give me some advice.

My only sibling is a sister two years older than I am. My parents have always treated us equally. They spend the same amount on us for Christmas and birthday gifts, and they paid both of our tuitions when we went to private schools for high school and college, which added up to $150,000 for each of us, even though they had to take out a second mortgage on their house.

So last year, my sister got married. She wanted a big wedding, so my parents spent just over $30,000 giving her what she wanted.

But now that I want to get married, they say I’m on my own because parents only pay for a daughter’s wedding, not a son’s. The trouble is, my girlfriend’s parents can’t afford to pay for a big wedding and neither can she or I.

Are my parents being fair?

Cinderfella



Dear Cinderfella~

Your parents are completely within their rights to opt out of paying for another expensive wedding. Indeed, they would have been perfectly within their rights not to have paid for your sister’s wedding either.

Frankly, if they’ve already shelled out $300,000 for you and your sister’s educations by taking out a second mortgage, they’ve done more than their fair share for their children.

If you & your girlfriend want to get married, an inexpensive wedding will do the job every bit as well as a lavish one.

Rodger

A Success Story!

Dear Rodger:

I am the girl who sent you the letter that you labeled “Politics & Relationships” that described my BF putting an Obama sign in the front yard of the house we both live in even though he knows I am voting for McCain.

You said I should respond by placing a McCain sign right beside his Obama sign and being playful about it. I did what you said and then smiled real broad like when he saw it and turned to me, first with a scowl but then grinning.

Your idea worked!

In fact a lot of our neighbors have commented how great it is that we get along so well even though we are voting for different people. Thank you!

McCain Fan


Dear McCain Fan~

I’m really glad to hear my advice was helpful.

Rodger

I Want My Diamond Ring!

Rodger:

I am a successful professional woman with a graduate degree and an excellent job. Ever since I was in high school I have considered myself a strong feminist. But now, at 35, I have suddenly found this great guy and we both want to get married. The thing is, even though for twenty years I have ridiculed any friends who has wanted a diamond ring and a big, showy wedding, suddenly: I want them too!

Spending $10,000 on a piece of jewelry always seemed foolish, as did spending several times that amount on a one-day event filled with all sorts of patriarchal hogwash. Am I a complete traitor to everything I believe in or did I never really believe in any of it?

Who Am I?


Dear Who Am? ~

Being a feminist means, as I define it, that you believe women should be able to do anything & everything that a man should be able to do. I don’t see anything in that definition that precludes wanting a big ol’ diamond ring on your finger & a big wedding to remember for the rest of your life.

You go, girl!

Rodger

Is Marriage the Answer?

For Rodger:

I recently went through a divorce and then a very difficult child custody battle. The judge eventually awarded me full custody of my two boys with my ex only getting the boys every second weekend. He lives only about 15 minutes from me and I often see his car in my neighborhood. I know he is watching me.

The problem is that I am now dating a guy that I like a lot. My boyfriend wants to move to the next level of sleeping together. I would like that too except that I am afraid that if my ex sees my boyfriend’s car in the driveway all night he will take me to court to argue I am being a bad mother because I am having sex with a man I am not married to.

I am not a slut, I promise. My boyfriend and I met at my church, and we are both Christians. We are now talking about getting married because then my ex will not have any grounds because my boyfriend and I will be husband and wife. I am still a little bit hesitant though because my boyfriend and I have only been dating for three months.

Wanting To Do the Right Thing



Dear Wanting To Do the Right Thing ~

The right thing is not marriage.

You need to listen to your heart, which is telling you that you don’t know your boyfriend well enough to marry him. At least not yet.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend take advantage of that every second weekend that your ex husband has the boys and sleep together then. No, that might not be the ideal scenario, but it’s a whole lot better than marrying a guy prematurely simply to hide the realities of your personal life from your ex husband.

Rodger

When Your SO Is Always Late

Dear Rodger,

I am having a problem with something my BF does. My belief is that it is important to be punctual, so I always arrive at a place at least 15 minutes before I’m supposed to. My BF is always 15 minutes late. I have learned to put up with this myself but when we plan to meet other people and he is so late, they get irritated because they think he does it on purpose so he can make a grand entrance or that he is disrespecting them.

Punctual but Frustrated


Dear Punctual ~

One of the things that those of us who are in committed, based-on-honesty, always- determined-to-be-truthful, never-be-anything-but-up-front relationships learn is that, from time to time, we have to . . . lie.

Well, maybe “lie” is too strong of a word. The better choice may be “manipulate.”

No, that’s not quite the right word either. So I’ll skip the label & get to what to do.

If you set a time of, say 7 p.m., to meet up with friends, tell your BF 6:45.

That’s the practical part. On the larger issue of principle, your decision to lie or manipulate or whatever you want to call it is fully justified if you really like this person & simply accept his tardiness as one little (slightly irritating) idiosyncrasy of his.

Rodger

When Mom & the BF Become a Couple

Dear Rodger,

Almost a year ago I broke up with Kevin after we dated for two years. My problem with him was that he is a highly prejudiced person. He has strong negative feelings about persons of color as well as gays. I told him repeatedly that I did not find his bigotry acceptable but he said he could not change. Kevin is very successful professionally because he is a lawyer and makes alot of money. He also is attractive and is eager to get married and have children.

The complication I am writing about has to do with my mother. She loved Kevin and she has continued to keep in touch with him since I broke up with him. They e-mail each other every day and they repeatedly have lunch and dinner. Every time they get together she then tells me how wonderful he is and how he still loves me. I tell her I do not want to hear about him but she keeps babbling on about how great he is and how wrong I am for breaking up with him. I get very tired of hearing her but I have no interest in getting back together with someone so prejudiced. Do you have any advice for me?

Tired of Hearing Her


Dear Tired of Hearing Her ~

I don’t suppose your mother is in a position to marry Kevin, huh, even though they appear to have been dating for some time?

OK, now that I have that snarky comment behind me, I’ll trying to offer you some help.

My suggestion is that you tell your mother that you don’t want to hear about Kevin. I’d also advise that you tell her, if you haven’t already, the reason: that he’s a bigot. If she still insists on talking about him, walk away.

Obviously it will be more difficult for you to walk away in some settings than in others. If you & your mother are out to dinner, leave the restaurant. If you are at a family event where there are many people, you may be able to walk away from Mom & talk to other relatives. Then again, you may have to leave the event altogether.

My bottom-line point is that you’re an adult who has to set boundaries for your mother. Your mother’s relationship with you is more important to her than her relationship with Kevin. So if you force her to choose between you & him, she’ll choose you.

Rodger

Do Men Have a Cheating Gene?

Dear Rodger:

My boyfriend claims that he read a news story that said all men should be excused for being unfaithful to their wives or GFs because of some study that found a cheating gene in all men. Is he right?

Destined to be Cheated On?


Dear Destined ~

What he’s talking about is a recent study involving a gene that regulates vasopressin, a hormone that helps people form bonds with one another. Swedish researchers found that two out of every five men—the study looked at 1,000 men in all—have a gene that reduces their inclination to bond.

Every news story I read on the study, though, also included quotes from experts who said men definitely can overcome the influence of that naughty little gene—if they make a conscious effort to do so.

Perhaps those researchers should now study the tendency among men to read news stories in a, shall we say, “selective” fashion.

Rodger

A Very Hairy Issue

Dear Rodg,

I’ve been happily married for 30 years, and I love my husband very much. But I have one problem: He has TONS of body hair (I call him Furry, but lovingly). This normally doesn’t bother me—it’s usually covered up—but when we go to the beach I about die, not to mention that I’m always afraid he will scare the children playing on the beach. What to do? Insist that he wear a T-shirt when he’s there? Waxing (he’d NEVER do that!)? Please advise—we have a trip to South Beach coming up soon.

In love with a Neanderthal,
Jane


Dear Jane ~

In a recent response, I said that couples move through the honeymoon & disappointment stages of their relationships, with the lucky ones eventually reaching the success stage. Part of that success, I believe, hinges on the fact that those of us who reach that final stage have come to accept certain “idiosyncrasies” about our partners.

For example, I have a penchant for buying decorator items while we’re on vacation that Tom absolutely abhors because they’re, uh, well: butt ugly. And yet, over the years, he’s learned not merely to accept this idiosyncrasy of mine but to embrace it as part of who I am . . . although I should point out that every one of these items has ended up in my office on campus rather than in Tom & my home.

My point is that if you’ve been married to Hairy Man for 30 years, you should already have come to accept—hopefully even embrace—his hairiness as part of who he is. And I’m guessing he loves you even more for doing that.

As for frightening the children, based on my last trip to the beach, some of the tattoos they’ll see are way scarier than Hairy Man.

Rodger

When Your SO Has an Unhealthy Habit

Rodger:

My dating history is not pretty. I have not dated all that many guys although I am 27 years old. I have finally found a guy I enjoy being with and who enjoys being with me. The one problem is that I struggle constantly with my weight and he has an enormous appetite for fast food and yet never gains a pound. He would much rather go to McDonalds than to a more upscale restaurant or for me to make him dinner at home. Do I surrender to his passion and gain 50 pounds or give up the best guy I have ever dated?

Gaining Weight as I Write


Dear Gaining Weight as I Write ~

McDonalds doesn’t force feed customers to eat two big Macs & three orders of fries & two milk shakes & . . . you get my point.

Keep the guy & eat healthy.

Rodger

How Far to Go to Find a Husband

Dear Rodger:

My job is not only challenging and in the field that I have always wanted to work in but also has enormous opportunities for advancement. It is, in short, my dream job.

Meanwhile my romantic life is a nightmare. I have dated a few guys but have not been interested in any of them. I grew up in this city and have the same group of friends I had since high school. The problem is that all the good men have been picked off by my friends, leaving only the losers for me.

The option I have been considering is moving to another city, but I really hate the idea of giving up my dream job for the sole purpose of looking for a husband. And on top of this, my other problem is that I cannot really talk to any of my women friends here about this, as they will scream at me for being a traitor to my feminist beliefs.

A Feminist Traitor?


Dear Feminist ~

You’re not a traitor; you’re a realist. That is, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Nor is there anything wrong with taking drastic steps in an effort to make that happen.

That having seen said, however, I question if you have explored all the options.

Specifically, you mention in your letter that you have the same group of friends you had in high school. You didn’t tell me the name of the city where you live or how large it is, but I wonder if it isn’t possible for you to expand your circle of friends. Perhaps by developing friendships with people you work with? Or pursuing interests by attending cooking class or joining a book club—whatever activity you’re interested in that takes you beyond the same group of long-time friends.

Rodger

Barbie Doll--Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down?

Dear Rodger:

When my boyfriend and I are in bed together, he sometimes refers to me as “my Barbie doll.” I love for him to do that because it makes me feel beautiful and sexy—I’ve always had trouble controlling my weight and thinking of myself as attractive. He never uses the term when anyone else is around.

But just yesterday I mentioned his pet name for me to some of the girls I work with, and they said I should be outraged. They said “He’s objectifying you” and that he just thinks of me as his little plaything.

Should I be outraged? Should I tell him to stop using that name? Am I wrong to like this particular pet name?

Barbie in the Bedroom


Dear Barbie in the Bedroom ~

What you & your boyfriend call each other in private is up to you & him—& no one else. You may, however, want to keep such intimate details of your relationship to yourself.

As for being outraged, I’d save that for the fact that, within a matter of months, the Vice President of the United States may be Gun-Toting Barbie!

Rodger

Educating Parents

Dear Rodger ~

After a dozen years of dating lots of men, I have finally reached the point, at 32, where I am perfectly content with the single life. And so, while I am still certainly open to the possibility of meeting a man to share my life with, I no longer consider that a necessity for me to be happy or even a priority in my life.

Unfortunately, my parents do not share my contentment. I am an only child, which means I am their only chance for grandchildren. I am not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a single mother, and they would not like that prospect anyway.

My question to you is: How do I make my parents content with having an unmarried daughter who is not going to give them grandchildren?

Single and Content


Dear Single & Content ~

As I’ve said in the past & will, I’m sure, say to many letter writers in the future: Just about the only thing you can “make” another person . . . is a cheese sandwich.

You can certainly try to communicate—repeatedly—to your parents that you are fully content being single, but you can’t force them to give up their dream of having grandchildren. Then again, while you probably owe your parents a great deal, it’s not your responsibility either to fulfill their dreams or to find someone to father the grandchildren they would like to have.

Rodger

Teachers & Students--Nyet!

Dear Rodger:

I see on the My Day Job section of your website that you are a teacher, so you should know about what I want to ask you. I am 33 years old and teaching as a part-time faculty member for the first time. I am very attracted to one of my students. The class is part of an MA program and the student who has caught my eye is 31. There is no question that he is at least as interested in me as I am in him, because he flirts with me every class session. I am planning to ask him out soon, but I decided to check with you before I do that, to make sure it is all right to do this sort of thing in the academic world.

Prof with a Plan


Dear Prof with a Plan ~

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

No, No, No! It is absolutely unacceptable for you to date one of your students while he's in your class. It would be the definition of unprofessional to do such a thing.

After the course is over & you’ve turned in your grades, it’s a different story.

Rodger

Reconnecting after a Breakup

Dear Rodger ~

I can sometimes act impulsively and then have regrets later. This happened with my last boyfriend. I got tired of him whining forever about his boss at work so I told him I didn’t want to go out with him anymore unless he either quit whining or changed jobs. He then started dating another girl I know and has since changed jobs. Now I regret breaking up with him and want him back. What should I do?

Ms. Impulsive


Dear Ms. Impulsive ~

Contact him in some way—such as by e-mail—& tell him that you made a mistake & would like to resume your relationship. If he responds & agrees, go for it. But if he either fails to respond or says he’s not interested, let it go.

And remember the lesson the next time you’re tempted to act impulsively.

Rodger

Giving Rationalizing the Green Light

Rodger—

My BF and I are both atheists, or that is what I thought. But the other day when we were talking about if we want to have children he announces he wants our children baptized.

When I told him I did not want our children baptized and if he wanted to have them baptized then he was not an atheist at all, he kept insisting that he is an atheist. We both got frustrated by this point in the discussion so we stopped talking about it.

I think he is rationalizing and that he really is not an atheist and should not claim to be. What do you think?

Atheist All the Way


Dear Atheist ~

I think you & your boyfriend need to keep talking. Not about whether he can wear the atheist label but about whether you want to have your children baptized.

Although there’s nothing wrong with setting a topic “on the shelf,” so to speak, when two people reach an impasse or when the discussion becomes overly heated, something as important as your future children’s religious upbringing—or not—needs to be fully discussed before a couple moves toward marriage.

As for the whole rationalizing brouhaha, I’ll end this letter on a light note by asking:

Question: How is rationalizing different from having sex?

Answer: It IS possible to get through the day without sex.

Rodger

Entering the Disappointment Stage

Dear Rodger ~

I have been dating a guy for about two months. I’m not saying he’s the love of my life, but things are definitely moving along nicely.

Just last night, though, we watched a TV show that prompted him to go into a long, intense rant about how outraged he is about people having plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons. He said that it is fine for someone who was disfigured in a car accident or because of a disease, but other than that he thinks it is “indefensible” for anyone to be vain enough to have plastic surgery.

The trouble is, I had plastic surgery when I was younger. I was 18 and self-conscious about my nose being pointy. So I had it worked on. I went to a high school where a lot of girls had work done, so it was not a big deal in my world.

Now it is more than a decade later and I have my own misgivings about plastic surgery. But I obviously also have misgivings about telling my boyfriend or I would have done it last night. I guess part of my thinking is that I do not see how he would ever find out about my early nose job, so why should I tell him about something that is ancient history?

Girl With the Cute Nose


Dear Girl With the Cute Nose ~

Long-term, fulfilling relationships go through three stages that I summarize with the words: honeymoon, disappointment & success.

Telling your boyfriend about your plastic surgery is part of your transition from the first stage to the second. Hearing this news will probably be disappointing to him, but not a deal breaker. And if the revelation does cause him to stop dating you, I’m not so sure he’s worth keeping anyway. In other words, if he can’t acknowledge how an 18-year-old can make a decision that she later regrets, he doesn’t clear the "being understanding bar."

As for exactly how to tell him, show him the letter you wrote me. It tells the story well: You did something at an early age that you might or might not do today.

Indeed, your nose job experience is a whole new take on freshman forgiveness.

Rodger

"The Gays" Can Handle Themselves

Rodger,

One of my best and oldest friends is a gay guy. I have met numerous of Todd’s lovers over the last 10 years or so, and we have gone dancing and clubbing together dozens of times. So I am reasonably familiar with and comfortable being around gay men.

The guy I am now dating apparently has never been around a gay guy before. Whenever he gets anywhere near Todd, he starts asking him questions. It isn’t that he is rude or impolite, it’s just that the questions never end. Things like “What TV shows do gays like?” and “Why do so many gays like Bette Midler?” and “Why do gays pay so much attention to how they look?”

Todd is very nice about it and just smiles and answers whatever question he asks, but I find it embarrassing. What should I do?

Embarrassed


Dear Embarrassed ~

As long as your friend is older than 6, which I’m assuming he is, he’s fully capable of dealing with the situation. That is, if Toddy boy gets tired of answering the questions, he’ll stop.

I suppose you could go the extra mile & mention to Todd that it’s fine with you that he responds to the questions any way he sees fit—you might do this because so many of us ho-hos are so blasted determined to play nicey nice with everyone we meet. But, beyond that, let Todd handle the situation however he wants to.

Frankly, I think the questions you used as examples are perfectly reasonable ones. Maybe Todd likes the idea both of (1.) forcing himself to think about the questions & (2.) helping to educate someone about “the gays.”

Rodger

Sex After 30

Rodger:

I know your blog is mostly for Straight Chicks. You being a queer man though makes me hope that you also will answer questions from other queer guys. Queer guys in our 20s are totally on our own. I mean that there are other relationship counselors to talk to Straight Chicks but you are the only one I know of to talk to queer guys like me.

So my first question is about sex. I guess that is not a big surprise. A lot of queer guys have told me that we have more sex than straight men, and that is cool. But one guy told me we queers should have as much sex as we can during our 20s because queer guys pretty much stop having sex when they turn 30. Is that true?

So many men so little time


Dear So Many Men ~

My biggest concern as I began this advice blog was that readers would ask me questions that I didn’t have an answer for. And so, I’m thrilled that your question is one that I can answer definitively with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.

That is, take it from a guy who’s been in a gay relationship for a very long time, the sex doesn’t have to stop. Indeed, I can say without hesitation that the sex between Tom & me is better now than it was 25 years ago. Honest!

The big advantage of having sex with the same person for a long period of time is that there’s none of that fumbling around trying to figure out what each of you likes. You know, “So you’re saying I drove all the way out here to the suburbs & now you tell me that all you’re willing to do on the first date is cuddle!”

My guess is that the guy who told you to have as much sex as you can in your 20s was eager to have sex with you—right now, an hour from now, an hour after that, . . . you get the picture.

Rodger

Politics & Relationships

Dear Rodger:

My boyfriend and I do not agree on politics. He is for Obama and I am for McCain. That is generally not an issue, we just don’t talk about politics, but today he put an Obama sign in front of our townhouse. So I said to him, “Why did you do that? You know I support McCain.” He sort of smirked and said, “You moved in with me. I own the townhouse.”

Well, he is right technically, but this is still my home too. What should I do?

McCain Fan


Dear McCain Fan ~

Ouch!

I’m having a hard time seeing how this relationship is going to work when your boyfriend “smirked” when talking about making such a strong political statement when he knows you’re in a different camp. He was playing the power card or money card way too publicly for my taste.

How about if you find a McCain sign & plant it right next to his Obama sign? Then the first time you see each other after you’ve put the sign in place, you give him a coy smile—& maybe a wink. My thinking here is that you may be able to break the tension & keep things playful.

If you don’t want to go this route or he doesn’t take your action in the lighthearted way I’m suggesting he might, the only other route I see is that the two of you have a heavy-duty talk not about your differing politics but about the fact that him pushing it in your face that he owns the home you live in is totally unacceptable to you.

Rodger

Damaging the Bond of Trust

Dear Rodger,

The guy I have been dating for just over a year and who I have fallen in love with just told me that he has a child from a previous relationship. The child is three years old and Steve provides substantial child support every month for her.

If he had told me right after we started dating that he had a child, I would have been fine with that. But that he did not tell me until now, though, makes me wonder if I can trust him. When I asked him why he did not tell me, he said other girls he has dated refused to get involved with him when they found out he has financial responsibilities for a child.

Should I continue in this relationship or is this a deal breaker?

Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom?



Dear Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom? ~

The issue is not whether you’re ready to be a stepmom. The issue is whether you can trust a guy who concealed a HUGE detail about his life from you for more than a year.

The decision is yours, of course, but his action certainly justifies you ending the relationship, if you decide to go that route. At the very least, you need to tell him that he has seriously damaged your ability to trust him & that it will take an enormous effort on his part to regain that trust.

Rodger

Where to Find a SO

Dear Rodger,

I am one of the millions of women who has tried and tried to find a SO but has failed. I am 31 years old and have been going to clubs every Friday and Saturday night for years, even though I hate doing it. But I also hate being tired and alone. I know that part of the problem is that I am an elementary school teacher and that means almost all of the people I meet at work are either other women or 7 year old boys—and I am not that desperate! I don’t mean to say that the only thing that is important in my life is being coupled but I do believe that my life will be fuller if I could share it with another person. So now I am turning to a gay man to ask: Where do I find a straight man worth keeping?

One of the Millions


Dear One of the Millions—

No simple answer here.

My advice is that you spend your time doing things you enjoy doing, while, at the same time, putting yourself in situations where it’s reasonable that you might cross paths with someone who likes doing the same things you do.

If you’re socially conscious, volunteer at a soup kitchen or go on a Habitat for Humanity gig. If you’re spiritual, join a church or synagogue with a strong contingent of singles. If you enjoy politics, work on a candidate’s campaign. If you love to read, join a book club—preferably one that crosses the gender line. Of course meeting a friend of a friend at a party is always possible, too, so keep accepting those e-vites.

No, there’s no guarantee that this strategy will pay off right away—or ever, for that matter. At the very least, though, you’ll be spending your time doing things you enjoy rather than hating those nights at the clubs.

Rodger

Shaping Up Your Man

Rodger—

I am writing to you because you are a gay guy, and therefore you are the perfect person to ask about my problem with my boyfriend. The problem is that he is very cute in the face but is 20 or so pounds overweight. I have dropped several hints that he should get a gym membership but he never picks up on it. What is it that causes gay men to spend so much time at the gym and how can I get my boyfriend to do the same?

Girl With Too Much Guy


Dear Girl With Too Much Guy ~

The best answer I can come up with to your question about why so many ho-hos go to the gym (even though my answer is likely to get me in trouble with my partner because I go to the gym & he doesn't--love ya, Tom!) comes from an episode of Sex and the City. I don’t remember the quote word for word, but it was something like: “Gay guys go to the gym more than straight guys do because they know that—with all those naked men wandering around—there’s a possibility of having sex while they’re there.”

As for how you can get your non-ho-ho to go to the gym, a couple thoughts come to mind.

One is that you could join a gym, if you don’t go to one already, & then ask him to go with you as a way for the two of you to spend more time together.

Another possibility is that you could give him a one-month gym membership as a gift. Not exactly subtle, but, well, it would get your message across.

Rodger

Money & Marriage

Dear Rodger:

I have been dating a guy for three years and he recently asked me to marry him. I instantly said yes. This is all the good news.

The bad news is that my parents do not approve of my boyfriend. Their main gripe (actually, their only one) is that he does not make enough money. He works for a non-profit organization, the same as I do. He makes enough money to support himself but there is no way we could both live on his salary if I got pregnant and wanted to give up my job, so my parents say we should wait until he makes enough money to do that.

The big problem is the wedding. I come from an upperclass group of friends who have big weddings. None of my friends has had a wedding for less then $30,000 so that is the minimum for me to spend. My parents say they will not pay for a wedding like that at this time although they will if we wait and get married once my fiance’s salary is higher.

I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

Troubled Bride to Be


Dear Troubled Bride to Be ~

First, you need to congratulate yourself. If you & your fiancé love each other & want to get married, that’s a whole lot to be thankful for.

Second, I don’t see the financial situation you describe as any reason not to move forward with the wedding. As long as you take precautions, there’s no reason you should be parents 10 minutes after you walk down the aisle.

Third, your parents are under no obligation to shell out big bucks for a wedding merely to match those of your friends. Simple & inexpensive weddings are every bit as legal—& every bit as likely to lead to a successful marriage—as elaborate & costly ones are.

Rodger

Facing the Inevitable

Rodger,

My lover and I have been together for more than two decades. Throughout our ups and downs, good sex and a great dog have often been the glue holding our relationship together. The dog is dying and this hen is finding it harder to perform. How can I keep my rooster from the other chicks?

Hen Ache


Dear Hen Ache ~

If you & your rooster have been together for 20 years, you have an impressive history of success that suggests you should just keep clucking along pretty much the same way you have been in the past.

As for the aging doggie, the pound & the various breed-specific rescue leagues have lots of pooches in need of good homes.

Finally, if you’re finding it harder & harder to perform sexually because of that inevitable aging process, I’m guessing that your rooster is finding it tougher & tougher to keep, ahem, “up” his end of the deal, too.

Rodger

Money, Money, Money

Dear Rodger,

I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks. During that time, our main dating activity has been going out to dinner. We both work in administrative jobs for similar offices, so I’m guessing we earn about the same amount of money.

The problem is, all six times we have gone out to dinner, I ended up paying every time. What happens is that the waitperson brings the bill and puts it on the table. Either right away or after a little while, Rick reaches for the bill and then I reach for it too. I do this because I don’t want to come across as being cheap. But then Rick always lets go of the bill before I do, so I end up paying.

What has happened to chivalry? When did the tables turn so that the girl always ends up paying the bill?

Tired of Paying


Dear Tired of Paying ~

Don’t reach for the fu#&!!! bill!

If you’ve already paid for six meals in a row, the idea that you’re cheap has been put to rest.

Rodger

Moving to the Next Level

Rodger:

Larry and I have been dating for three years. We are monogamous, but we do not live together and are not engaged. We share the same values and like doing the same things, and we have no major issues between us. I have been ready to move to the next level for a year, which means getting engaged and setting a wedding date. I am tempted to pop the question myself, but Larry and I both lean toward the traditional way of doing things, and so it seems like proposing should be his role. But of late I feel like I am on the edge of resenting the fact that I keep waiting and he isn’t moving things forward.

On the Edge of Resentment


Dear On the Edge ~

I AM WRITING THIS FIRST SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SPEAK REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU SEEM TO BE RESIDING!!!

That is, we are now in an age where women are no longer passive entities whose lives are totally dependent upon the actions of men. This is your life, too, and if you want to move your relationship to that next level, be pro-active to make it happen. So pop the question already!

Also, if you and Larry are both as traditional as you claim, surely he also is thinking that three years is more than sufficient time for the dating stage. Indeed, that timeframe was true even in the 1950s that you seem so comfortable with.

Tell him what you want, not by whining or pressuring him, by being a fully equal partner in this relationship—someone who knows what she wants and moves forward to get it.

Rodger