Dear Rodger:
Jeff and I have been dating for nine months. I not only enjoy being with him but he also possesses all of the traits that I want in a guy.
The one thing that I object to is his parents. They call him a minimum of two times a day—EVERY day. They call at 8 a.m. to make sure he is awake and getting ready for work. Then they call again at 6 p.m. to make sure he is going to have a good dinner.
They also fly in the first weekend of every month—EVERY month—solely to spend the weekend with Jeff. They treat me fine when they visit, which is nice. But I think they are too much involved in Jeff’s life. He is 34 and I fear that if they are still insisting on taking care of him this much now, they are not going to let go if we get married.
Let the Boy Go
Dear Let the Boy Go~
Your problem can be solved with one tiny little word change. That is, instead of signing your letter “Let the Boy Go,” you should have signed it “Let the Parents Go.”
In other words, I don’t see this as a problem of the parents needing to let their boy go as much as a problem of the boy needing to let his parents go.
At 34, Jeff is all grown up and should be ready to cut the mommy & daddy strings. You need to sit down with the “boy” and communicate this to him. It takes both possessive parents and a complicit son to continue this sort of relationship. Jeff should set the limits that his parents will then have no choice but to accept—limits such as (1) no more than three phone calls a week & (2) no more than four weekend visits a year.
Rodger
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
When There Are Strings Attached
Dear Rodger:
I am 25 years old and just completed my PhD in U.S. history. I have been in a relationship for two years with a professor I met who is tenured and teaching in the English department at my university. He is 45. Our university has a rule that prohibits the hiring of people with PhDs from this university. My partner says that he is willing to give up his tenured position here in order to move to another university where we can both have positions, me in a history department and him in an English department.
His one stipulation is that the university where we both go has to be in a large metropolitan area. His reason for this is: “I do not want to give up my tenured position to move to some remote university and then we break up and I am left in some tiny little town with no gay community and therefore no possibility for finding another partner.”
This stipulation makes me very angry. It sends me the message that he does not have faith in our relationship and is already planning for what he will do next once our relationship ends. Is my anger justified?
Angry
Dear Angry ~
I can understand how your partner’s stipulation & reasoning give you pause, but I’m not sure your anger is justified.
He will be making a major sacrifice for you & the relationship if he gives up his tenured position. In that context, his stipulation seems reasonable.
Besides, wouldn’t you also prefer moving to a university located in a city with a large gay community?
Rodger
I am 25 years old and just completed my PhD in U.S. history. I have been in a relationship for two years with a professor I met who is tenured and teaching in the English department at my university. He is 45. Our university has a rule that prohibits the hiring of people with PhDs from this university. My partner says that he is willing to give up his tenured position here in order to move to another university where we can both have positions, me in a history department and him in an English department.
His one stipulation is that the university where we both go has to be in a large metropolitan area. His reason for this is: “I do not want to give up my tenured position to move to some remote university and then we break up and I am left in some tiny little town with no gay community and therefore no possibility for finding another partner.”
This stipulation makes me very angry. It sends me the message that he does not have faith in our relationship and is already planning for what he will do next once our relationship ends. Is my anger justified?
Angry
Dear Angry ~
I can understand how your partner’s stipulation & reasoning give you pause, but I’m not sure your anger is justified.
He will be making a major sacrifice for you & the relationship if he gives up his tenured position. In that context, his stipulation seems reasonable.
Besides, wouldn’t you also prefer moving to a university located in a city with a large gay community?
Rodger
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Paying the Price for Making a Mistake
Rodger—
I made a very big mistake about a year ago. I had been in a monogamous relationship for two years when I had a brief affair with another man. My SO found out about the affair and questioned me about it. I admitted what I had done and said that I regretted doing it, which I did. My SO was very angry but eventually said he was willing to continue in what would now have to be an open relationship. He said the ground rules would be that we both could have sex with other people but we would not talk about those sexual encounters. I agreed to those rules because I did not want to lose him. But now, two months into the open relationship, I just cannot take it because I am filled with anxiety constantly, fretting all the time about what my SO is doing and who he is doing it with. How can I become comfortable with the open relationship?
Girl Who Made a Mistake
Dear Girl Who Made a Mistake~
My guess is that you can’t. It sounds like you place great value on monogamy & can’t adjust to a non-monogamous relationship, even though you made a major error.
My suggestion is that you talk to your SO, apologize again for making an enormous mistake & ask him under what circumstances he would be willing to return to a monogamous relationship.
If he is unwilling to return to a monogamous relationship, you may have to end the relationship. And learn from that experience.
Rodger
I made a very big mistake about a year ago. I had been in a monogamous relationship for two years when I had a brief affair with another man. My SO found out about the affair and questioned me about it. I admitted what I had done and said that I regretted doing it, which I did. My SO was very angry but eventually said he was willing to continue in what would now have to be an open relationship. He said the ground rules would be that we both could have sex with other people but we would not talk about those sexual encounters. I agreed to those rules because I did not want to lose him. But now, two months into the open relationship, I just cannot take it because I am filled with anxiety constantly, fretting all the time about what my SO is doing and who he is doing it with. How can I become comfortable with the open relationship?
Girl Who Made a Mistake
Dear Girl Who Made a Mistake~
My guess is that you can’t. It sounds like you place great value on monogamy & can’t adjust to a non-monogamous relationship, even though you made a major error.
My suggestion is that you talk to your SO, apologize again for making an enormous mistake & ask him under what circumstances he would be willing to return to a monogamous relationship.
If he is unwilling to return to a monogamous relationship, you may have to end the relationship. And learn from that experience.
Rodger
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A Success Story!
Dear Rodger:
Mine was the very first letter you posted back in September, so I wanted to report back to you that your advice worked great!
I wrote that I am dating a guy named Jim who was a total geek in how he dresses and wears his hair. You told me to volunteer to make myself his personal shopper and his stylist. I have done this, and it is working really, really well.
He still refuses to spend his own time shopping but he is very happy to wear anything I buy for him. He just gives me his credit card and tells me to buy him things, which I love doing. He also agreed to go with me to my hair stylist and have his hair styled and he is willing to go back to the stylist every 4 weeks.
Thank you!
Girl with a Geek
Dear Girl with a Geek~
Major congratulations! Now you just need to keep the boy on a short leash so no other girl comes along & nabs your well-coiffed & well-dressed beau!
Rodger
Mine was the very first letter you posted back in September, so I wanted to report back to you that your advice worked great!
I wrote that I am dating a guy named Jim who was a total geek in how he dresses and wears his hair. You told me to volunteer to make myself his personal shopper and his stylist. I have done this, and it is working really, really well.
He still refuses to spend his own time shopping but he is very happy to wear anything I buy for him. He just gives me his credit card and tells me to buy him things, which I love doing. He also agreed to go with me to my hair stylist and have his hair styled and he is willing to go back to the stylist every 4 weeks.
Thank you!
Girl with a Geek
Dear Girl with a Geek~
Major congratulations! Now you just need to keep the boy on a short leash so no other girl comes along & nabs your well-coiffed & well-dressed beau!
Rodger
Monday, October 27, 2008
When There's Trouble in the Bedroom
Rodger,
My SO has asked me to marry him and I want to. The one shortcoming is that everything is good except the sex. We do not have sex often and when we do it does not make me see stars. Would I be wrong to refuse to marry because of mediocre sex?
I Like Sex
Dear I Like Sex~
As tempted as I am to respond to your letter with a snarky comment, I’ll pass up that opportunity & simply say that, no, you are not wrong. If quality sex is high on your list of what you want &/or need in a relationship & your SO is not providing it, you are on solid ground to opt not to continue in the relationship.
Before you make that decision, though, you need to communicate with your SO about this reality. A SO’s inability to meet your standard in the bedroom is no different than an inability to meet your needs emotionally or in any other way. That is, if you’re not satisfied, you need to let him know that. He very well may be willing & able to come up to your standard—with your help.
Rodger
My SO has asked me to marry him and I want to. The one shortcoming is that everything is good except the sex. We do not have sex often and when we do it does not make me see stars. Would I be wrong to refuse to marry because of mediocre sex?
I Like Sex
Dear I Like Sex~
As tempted as I am to respond to your letter with a snarky comment, I’ll pass up that opportunity & simply say that, no, you are not wrong. If quality sex is high on your list of what you want &/or need in a relationship & your SO is not providing it, you are on solid ground to opt not to continue in the relationship.
Before you make that decision, though, you need to communicate with your SO about this reality. A SO’s inability to meet your standard in the bedroom is no different than an inability to meet your needs emotionally or in any other way. That is, if you’re not satisfied, you need to let him know that. He very well may be willing & able to come up to your standard—with your help.
Rodger
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friends with Benefits
Rodger—
I have what our culture calls “a friend with benefits.” In other words, I have known this guy for a couple of years and we have sex with each other, generally once a week. Neither one of us considers us to be a couple though. I am recently beginning to have emotional feelings for the guy, but I am afraid to mention my feelings to him because I fear that could disrupt the good sex. What are your thoughts?
Unsure
Dear Unsure~
You have sex once a week but do not talk about your feelings. Sounds like a typical marriage to me.
My advice is that you figure out what the Hell you want & then articulate those desires, first to yourself & then to your friend.
Rodger
I have what our culture calls “a friend with benefits.” In other words, I have known this guy for a couple of years and we have sex with each other, generally once a week. Neither one of us considers us to be a couple though. I am recently beginning to have emotional feelings for the guy, but I am afraid to mention my feelings to him because I fear that could disrupt the good sex. What are your thoughts?
Unsure
Dear Unsure~
You have sex once a week but do not talk about your feelings. Sounds like a typical marriage to me.
My advice is that you figure out what the Hell you want & then articulate those desires, first to yourself & then to your friend.
Rodger
Saturday, October 25, 2008
When to Drop the Bomb--or Is It a Bomb?
Rodger:
I have been dating a guy who has a good job and is fun to be with. The big minus is that he wears a hairpiece.
It is not an ugly, terribly obvious one. On our first couple dates, I did not even recognize it was a hairpiece. When we went to bed I got close enough to his head to know for sure.
And it is not just that he wears a hairpiece but that he has not confessed that to me after THREE MONTHS of dating.
Betrayed
Dear Betrayed~
First of all, I was tempted to address this response to: Drama Queen.
My temptation was prompted by the fact that you made the statement “he has not confessed” to wearing a hairpiece & that you signed your letter “Betrayed.”
In today’s relationship culture, words such as “confessed” & “betrayed” should be the exclusive property of women whose SOs have done way more than covering a bald head.
Yes, I suppose he should find a way to make a reference to the hairpiece, but I can’t see as how he has to do that within any particular timeframe & I hardly think wearing such a thing is something that he has to “confess” or that should be the reason for you to end the relationship.
Rodger
I have been dating a guy who has a good job and is fun to be with. The big minus is that he wears a hairpiece.
It is not an ugly, terribly obvious one. On our first couple dates, I did not even recognize it was a hairpiece. When we went to bed I got close enough to his head to know for sure.
And it is not just that he wears a hairpiece but that he has not confessed that to me after THREE MONTHS of dating.
Betrayed
Dear Betrayed~
First of all, I was tempted to address this response to: Drama Queen.
My temptation was prompted by the fact that you made the statement “he has not confessed” to wearing a hairpiece & that you signed your letter “Betrayed.”
In today’s relationship culture, words such as “confessed” & “betrayed” should be the exclusive property of women whose SOs have done way more than covering a bald head.
Yes, I suppose he should find a way to make a reference to the hairpiece, but I can’t see as how he has to do that within any particular timeframe & I hardly think wearing such a thing is something that he has to “confess” or that should be the reason for you to end the relationship.
Rodger
Friday, October 24, 2008
When Couples Stick to Specific Roles
Dear Rodger,
I have been dating this guy for over two months. I cannot say that I am in love, but I definitely am in serious like. One thing I am finding annoying is that he is always the one who asks me to get together on a certain night but then he always expects me to figure out exactly what we should do. Like if we should go to dinner at a certain restaurant or go see a movie or go dancing or whatever. No matter what I suggest he always agrees and always pays whatever costs are involved. Is this a red flag that I am always going to be the one who gives more to the relationship and so I should move on?
The Planner
Dear Planner ~
No, I don’t see what you’ve described as a red flag at all. There’s nothing wrong with one person consistently handling a particular responsibility in a relationship, as long as that’s balanced with the other person taking on other responsibilities.
You’re the social director while he’s the scheduler & the banker. Sounds like a perfectly good tradeoff to me.
Rodger
I have been dating this guy for over two months. I cannot say that I am in love, but I definitely am in serious like. One thing I am finding annoying is that he is always the one who asks me to get together on a certain night but then he always expects me to figure out exactly what we should do. Like if we should go to dinner at a certain restaurant or go see a movie or go dancing or whatever. No matter what I suggest he always agrees and always pays whatever costs are involved. Is this a red flag that I am always going to be the one who gives more to the relationship and so I should move on?
The Planner
Dear Planner ~
No, I don’t see what you’ve described as a red flag at all. There’s nothing wrong with one person consistently handling a particular responsibility in a relationship, as long as that’s balanced with the other person taking on other responsibilities.
You’re the social director while he’s the scheduler & the banker. Sounds like a perfectly good tradeoff to me.
Rodger
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Your Parents & Your Lifestyle
Rodge,
My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I do not have a steady income coming in. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with my girlfriends. There have been two or three nights when I met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I did not call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them because I am 28 years old and there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop for a few minutes while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?
No Home of My Own
Dear No Home of My Own~
Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. That reality is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as it’s completely understandable that your parents will worry until you tell them where you are & that you’re OK.
As for calling to tell them your plans (I’m assuming they don’t text, right?), you don’t have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call is a wise safety measure, just in case the guy is, in fact, an ax murderer.
Rodger
My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I do not have a steady income coming in. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with my girlfriends. There have been two or three nights when I met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I did not call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them because I am 28 years old and there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop for a few minutes while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?
No Home of My Own
Dear No Home of My Own~
Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. That reality is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as it’s completely understandable that your parents will worry until you tell them where you are & that you’re OK.
As for calling to tell them your plans (I’m assuming they don’t text, right?), you don’t have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call is a wise safety measure, just in case the guy is, in fact, an ax murderer.
Rodger
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
When Is a "Quirk" a Deal Breaker?
Dear Rodger,
In two months from now I will marry a man who has just two little quirks.
When we go to restaurants, he always gets angry with the waiter. Sometimes he criticizes the guy for having a bad attitude and other times he makes the waiter take back the food because it is cold. No matter what, there is always an unpleasant argument with the waiter that causes me great anxiety or embarrassment.
Things are different in the car because it does not get so public. It used to be that he would drive and would always yell and honk at some other driver. So I started to drive, but he still yells and now leans over to my side and honks the horn. What this means is that I am always afraid when we are driving in the car.
Should I just suck it up and accept that no one is perfect?
Uncomfortable and Afraid
Dear Uncomfortable and Afraid~
It’s time for a quiz. So take out your no. 2 pencil & answer two questions:
1. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be filled with anxiety whenever I go to a restaurant with my future husband, knowing that I will be embarrassed & have an unpleasant time. Yes or No
2. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be afraid whenever I get in the car with my future husband, knowing that he will yell & honk the horn. Yes or No
If your answer to both questions is Yes, marry the guy.
If your answer to either question is No, postpone the wedding until the guy goes to a professional counselor specializing in anger management.
Rodger
In two months from now I will marry a man who has just two little quirks.
When we go to restaurants, he always gets angry with the waiter. Sometimes he criticizes the guy for having a bad attitude and other times he makes the waiter take back the food because it is cold. No matter what, there is always an unpleasant argument with the waiter that causes me great anxiety or embarrassment.
Things are different in the car because it does not get so public. It used to be that he would drive and would always yell and honk at some other driver. So I started to drive, but he still yells and now leans over to my side and honks the horn. What this means is that I am always afraid when we are driving in the car.
Should I just suck it up and accept that no one is perfect?
Uncomfortable and Afraid
Dear Uncomfortable and Afraid~
It’s time for a quiz. So take out your no. 2 pencil & answer two questions:
1. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be filled with anxiety whenever I go to a restaurant with my future husband, knowing that I will be embarrassed & have an unpleasant time. Yes or No
2. I am willing, for the rest of my life, to be afraid whenever I get in the car with my future husband, knowing that he will yell & honk the horn. Yes or No
If your answer to both questions is Yes, marry the guy.
If your answer to either question is No, postpone the wedding until the guy goes to a professional counselor specializing in anger management.
Rodger
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Siblings & Money
Dear Rodger,
I know your blog is targeted to straight women, but my straight male friends and I also read it. So I am hoping you well agree to give me some advice.
My only sibling is a sister two years older than I am. My parents have always treated us equally. They spend the same amount on us for Christmas and birthday gifts, and they paid both of our tuitions when we went to private schools for high school and college, which added up to $150,000 for each of us, even though they had to take out a second mortgage on their house.
So last year, my sister got married. She wanted a big wedding, so my parents spent just over $30,000 giving her what she wanted.
But now that I want to get married, they say I’m on my own because parents only pay for a daughter’s wedding, not a son’s. The trouble is, my girlfriend’s parents can’t afford to pay for a big wedding and neither can she or I.
Are my parents being fair?
Cinderfella
Dear Cinderfella~
Your parents are completely within their rights to opt out of paying for another expensive wedding. Indeed, they would have been perfectly within their rights not to have paid for your sister’s wedding either.
Frankly, if they’ve already shelled out $300,000 for you and your sister’s educations by taking out a second mortgage, they’ve done more than their fair share for their children.
If you & your girlfriend want to get married, an inexpensive wedding will do the job every bit as well as a lavish one.
Rodger
I know your blog is targeted to straight women, but my straight male friends and I also read it. So I am hoping you well agree to give me some advice.
My only sibling is a sister two years older than I am. My parents have always treated us equally. They spend the same amount on us for Christmas and birthday gifts, and they paid both of our tuitions when we went to private schools for high school and college, which added up to $150,000 for each of us, even though they had to take out a second mortgage on their house.
So last year, my sister got married. She wanted a big wedding, so my parents spent just over $30,000 giving her what she wanted.
But now that I want to get married, they say I’m on my own because parents only pay for a daughter’s wedding, not a son’s. The trouble is, my girlfriend’s parents can’t afford to pay for a big wedding and neither can she or I.
Are my parents being fair?
Cinderfella
Dear Cinderfella~
Your parents are completely within their rights to opt out of paying for another expensive wedding. Indeed, they would have been perfectly within their rights not to have paid for your sister’s wedding either.
Frankly, if they’ve already shelled out $300,000 for you and your sister’s educations by taking out a second mortgage, they’ve done more than their fair share for their children.
If you & your girlfriend want to get married, an inexpensive wedding will do the job every bit as well as a lavish one.
Rodger
Monday, October 20, 2008
A Success Story!
Dear Rodger:
I am the girl who sent you the letter that you labeled “Politics & Relationships” that described my BF putting an Obama sign in the front yard of the house we both live in even though he knows I am voting for McCain.
You said I should respond by placing a McCain sign right beside his Obama sign and being playful about it. I did what you said and then smiled real broad like when he saw it and turned to me, first with a scowl but then grinning.
Your idea worked!
In fact a lot of our neighbors have commented how great it is that we get along so well even though we are voting for different people. Thank you!
McCain Fan
Dear McCain Fan~
I’m really glad to hear my advice was helpful.
Rodger
I am the girl who sent you the letter that you labeled “Politics & Relationships” that described my BF putting an Obama sign in the front yard of the house we both live in even though he knows I am voting for McCain.
You said I should respond by placing a McCain sign right beside his Obama sign and being playful about it. I did what you said and then smiled real broad like when he saw it and turned to me, first with a scowl but then grinning.
Your idea worked!
In fact a lot of our neighbors have commented how great it is that we get along so well even though we are voting for different people. Thank you!
McCain Fan
Dear McCain Fan~
I’m really glad to hear my advice was helpful.
Rodger
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I Want My Diamond Ring!
Rodger:
I am a successful professional woman with a graduate degree and an excellent job. Ever since I was in high school I have considered myself a strong feminist. But now, at 35, I have suddenly found this great guy and we both want to get married. The thing is, even though for twenty years I have ridiculed any friends who has wanted a diamond ring and a big, showy wedding, suddenly: I want them too!
Spending $10,000 on a piece of jewelry always seemed foolish, as did spending several times that amount on a one-day event filled with all sorts of patriarchal hogwash. Am I a complete traitor to everything I believe in or did I never really believe in any of it?
Who Am I?
Dear Who Am? ~
Being a feminist means, as I define it, that you believe women should be able to do anything & everything that a man should be able to do. I don’t see anything in that definition that precludes wanting a big ol’ diamond ring on your finger & a big wedding to remember for the rest of your life.
You go, girl!
Rodger
I am a successful professional woman with a graduate degree and an excellent job. Ever since I was in high school I have considered myself a strong feminist. But now, at 35, I have suddenly found this great guy and we both want to get married. The thing is, even though for twenty years I have ridiculed any friends who has wanted a diamond ring and a big, showy wedding, suddenly: I want them too!
Spending $10,000 on a piece of jewelry always seemed foolish, as did spending several times that amount on a one-day event filled with all sorts of patriarchal hogwash. Am I a complete traitor to everything I believe in or did I never really believe in any of it?
Who Am I?
Dear Who Am? ~
Being a feminist means, as I define it, that you believe women should be able to do anything & everything that a man should be able to do. I don’t see anything in that definition that precludes wanting a big ol’ diamond ring on your finger & a big wedding to remember for the rest of your life.
You go, girl!
Rodger
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Is Marriage the Answer?
For Rodger:
I recently went through a divorce and then a very difficult child custody battle. The judge eventually awarded me full custody of my two boys with my ex only getting the boys every second weekend. He lives only about 15 minutes from me and I often see his car in my neighborhood. I know he is watching me.
The problem is that I am now dating a guy that I like a lot. My boyfriend wants to move to the next level of sleeping together. I would like that too except that I am afraid that if my ex sees my boyfriend’s car in the driveway all night he will take me to court to argue I am being a bad mother because I am having sex with a man I am not married to.
I am not a slut, I promise. My boyfriend and I met at my church, and we are both Christians. We are now talking about getting married because then my ex will not have any grounds because my boyfriend and I will be husband and wife. I am still a little bit hesitant though because my boyfriend and I have only been dating for three months.
Wanting To Do the Right Thing
Dear Wanting To Do the Right Thing ~
The right thing is not marriage.
You need to listen to your heart, which is telling you that you don’t know your boyfriend well enough to marry him. At least not yet.
I suggest that you and your boyfriend take advantage of that every second weekend that your ex husband has the boys and sleep together then. No, that might not be the ideal scenario, but it’s a whole lot better than marrying a guy prematurely simply to hide the realities of your personal life from your ex husband.
Rodger
I recently went through a divorce and then a very difficult child custody battle. The judge eventually awarded me full custody of my two boys with my ex only getting the boys every second weekend. He lives only about 15 minutes from me and I often see his car in my neighborhood. I know he is watching me.
The problem is that I am now dating a guy that I like a lot. My boyfriend wants to move to the next level of sleeping together. I would like that too except that I am afraid that if my ex sees my boyfriend’s car in the driveway all night he will take me to court to argue I am being a bad mother because I am having sex with a man I am not married to.
I am not a slut, I promise. My boyfriend and I met at my church, and we are both Christians. We are now talking about getting married because then my ex will not have any grounds because my boyfriend and I will be husband and wife. I am still a little bit hesitant though because my boyfriend and I have only been dating for three months.
Wanting To Do the Right Thing
Dear Wanting To Do the Right Thing ~
The right thing is not marriage.
You need to listen to your heart, which is telling you that you don’t know your boyfriend well enough to marry him. At least not yet.
I suggest that you and your boyfriend take advantage of that every second weekend that your ex husband has the boys and sleep together then. No, that might not be the ideal scenario, but it’s a whole lot better than marrying a guy prematurely simply to hide the realities of your personal life from your ex husband.
Rodger
Friday, October 17, 2008
When Your SO Is Always Late
Dear Rodger,
I am having a problem with something my BF does. My belief is that it is important to be punctual, so I always arrive at a place at least 15 minutes before I’m supposed to. My BF is always 15 minutes late. I have learned to put up with this myself but when we plan to meet other people and he is so late, they get irritated because they think he does it on purpose so he can make a grand entrance or that he is disrespecting them.
Punctual but Frustrated
Dear Punctual ~
One of the things that those of us who are in committed, based-on-honesty, always- determined-to-be-truthful, never-be-anything-but-up-front relationships learn is that, from time to time, we have to . . . lie.
Well, maybe “lie” is too strong of a word. The better choice may be “manipulate.”
No, that’s not quite the right word either. So I’ll skip the label & get to what to do.
If you set a time of, say 7 p.m., to meet up with friends, tell your BF 6:45.
That’s the practical part. On the larger issue of principle, your decision to lie or manipulate or whatever you want to call it is fully justified if you really like this person & simply accept his tardiness as one little (slightly irritating) idiosyncrasy of his.
Rodger
I am having a problem with something my BF does. My belief is that it is important to be punctual, so I always arrive at a place at least 15 minutes before I’m supposed to. My BF is always 15 minutes late. I have learned to put up with this myself but when we plan to meet other people and he is so late, they get irritated because they think he does it on purpose so he can make a grand entrance or that he is disrespecting them.
Punctual but Frustrated
Dear Punctual ~
One of the things that those of us who are in committed, based-on-honesty, always- determined-to-be-truthful, never-be-anything-but-up-front relationships learn is that, from time to time, we have to . . . lie.
Well, maybe “lie” is too strong of a word. The better choice may be “manipulate.”
No, that’s not quite the right word either. So I’ll skip the label & get to what to do.
If you set a time of, say 7 p.m., to meet up with friends, tell your BF 6:45.
That’s the practical part. On the larger issue of principle, your decision to lie or manipulate or whatever you want to call it is fully justified if you really like this person & simply accept his tardiness as one little (slightly irritating) idiosyncrasy of his.
Rodger
Thursday, October 16, 2008
When Mom & the BF Become a Couple
Dear Rodger,
Almost a year ago I broke up with Kevin after we dated for two years. My problem with him was that he is a highly prejudiced person. He has strong negative feelings about persons of color as well as gays. I told him repeatedly that I did not find his bigotry acceptable but he said he could not change. Kevin is very successful professionally because he is a lawyer and makes alot of money. He also is attractive and is eager to get married and have children.
The complication I am writing about has to do with my mother. She loved Kevin and she has continued to keep in touch with him since I broke up with him. They e-mail each other every day and they repeatedly have lunch and dinner. Every time they get together she then tells me how wonderful he is and how he still loves me. I tell her I do not want to hear about him but she keeps babbling on about how great he is and how wrong I am for breaking up with him. I get very tired of hearing her but I have no interest in getting back together with someone so prejudiced. Do you have any advice for me?
Tired of Hearing Her
Dear Tired of Hearing Her ~
I don’t suppose your mother is in a position to marry Kevin, huh, even though they appear to have been dating for some time?
OK, now that I have that snarky comment behind me, I’ll trying to offer you some help.
My suggestion is that you tell your mother that you don’t want to hear about Kevin. I’d also advise that you tell her, if you haven’t already, the reason: that he’s a bigot. If she still insists on talking about him, walk away.
Obviously it will be more difficult for you to walk away in some settings than in others. If you & your mother are out to dinner, leave the restaurant. If you are at a family event where there are many people, you may be able to walk away from Mom & talk to other relatives. Then again, you may have to leave the event altogether.
My bottom-line point is that you’re an adult who has to set boundaries for your mother. Your mother’s relationship with you is more important to her than her relationship with Kevin. So if you force her to choose between you & him, she’ll choose you.
Rodger
Almost a year ago I broke up with Kevin after we dated for two years. My problem with him was that he is a highly prejudiced person. He has strong negative feelings about persons of color as well as gays. I told him repeatedly that I did not find his bigotry acceptable but he said he could not change. Kevin is very successful professionally because he is a lawyer and makes alot of money. He also is attractive and is eager to get married and have children.
The complication I am writing about has to do with my mother. She loved Kevin and she has continued to keep in touch with him since I broke up with him. They e-mail each other every day and they repeatedly have lunch and dinner. Every time they get together she then tells me how wonderful he is and how he still loves me. I tell her I do not want to hear about him but she keeps babbling on about how great he is and how wrong I am for breaking up with him. I get very tired of hearing her but I have no interest in getting back together with someone so prejudiced. Do you have any advice for me?
Tired of Hearing Her
Dear Tired of Hearing Her ~
I don’t suppose your mother is in a position to marry Kevin, huh, even though they appear to have been dating for some time?
OK, now that I have that snarky comment behind me, I’ll trying to offer you some help.
My suggestion is that you tell your mother that you don’t want to hear about Kevin. I’d also advise that you tell her, if you haven’t already, the reason: that he’s a bigot. If she still insists on talking about him, walk away.
Obviously it will be more difficult for you to walk away in some settings than in others. If you & your mother are out to dinner, leave the restaurant. If you are at a family event where there are many people, you may be able to walk away from Mom & talk to other relatives. Then again, you may have to leave the event altogether.
My bottom-line point is that you’re an adult who has to set boundaries for your mother. Your mother’s relationship with you is more important to her than her relationship with Kevin. So if you force her to choose between you & him, she’ll choose you.
Rodger
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Do Men Have a Cheating Gene?
Dear Rodger:
My boyfriend claims that he read a news story that said all men should be excused for being unfaithful to their wives or GFs because of some study that found a cheating gene in all men. Is he right?
Destined to be Cheated On?
Dear Destined ~
What he’s talking about is a recent study involving a gene that regulates vasopressin, a hormone that helps people form bonds with one another. Swedish researchers found that two out of every five men—the study looked at 1,000 men in all—have a gene that reduces their inclination to bond.
Every news story I read on the study, though, also included quotes from experts who said men definitely can overcome the influence of that naughty little gene—if they make a conscious effort to do so.
Perhaps those researchers should now study the tendency among men to read news stories in a, shall we say, “selective” fashion.
Rodger
My boyfriend claims that he read a news story that said all men should be excused for being unfaithful to their wives or GFs because of some study that found a cheating gene in all men. Is he right?
Destined to be Cheated On?
Dear Destined ~
What he’s talking about is a recent study involving a gene that regulates vasopressin, a hormone that helps people form bonds with one another. Swedish researchers found that two out of every five men—the study looked at 1,000 men in all—have a gene that reduces their inclination to bond.
Every news story I read on the study, though, also included quotes from experts who said men definitely can overcome the influence of that naughty little gene—if they make a conscious effort to do so.
Perhaps those researchers should now study the tendency among men to read news stories in a, shall we say, “selective” fashion.
Rodger
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A Very Hairy Issue
Dear Rodg,
I’ve been happily married for 30 years, and I love my husband very much. But I have one problem: He has TONS of body hair (I call him Furry, but lovingly). This normally doesn’t bother me—it’s usually covered up—but when we go to the beach I about die, not to mention that I’m always afraid he will scare the children playing on the beach. What to do? Insist that he wear a T-shirt when he’s there? Waxing (he’d NEVER do that!)? Please advise—we have a trip to South Beach coming up soon.
In love with a Neanderthal,
Jane
Dear Jane ~
In a recent response, I said that couples move through the honeymoon & disappointment stages of their relationships, with the lucky ones eventually reaching the success stage. Part of that success, I believe, hinges on the fact that those of us who reach that final stage have come to accept certain “idiosyncrasies” about our partners.
For example, I have a penchant for buying decorator items while we’re on vacation that Tom absolutely abhors because they’re, uh, well: butt ugly. And yet, over the years, he’s learned not merely to accept this idiosyncrasy of mine but to embrace it as part of who I am . . . although I should point out that every one of these items has ended up in my office on campus rather than in Tom & my home.
My point is that if you’ve been married to Hairy Man for 30 years, you should already have come to accept—hopefully even embrace—his hairiness as part of who he is. And I’m guessing he loves you even more for doing that.
As for frightening the children, based on my last trip to the beach, some of the tattoos they’ll see are way scarier than Hairy Man.
Rodger
I’ve been happily married for 30 years, and I love my husband very much. But I have one problem: He has TONS of body hair (I call him Furry, but lovingly). This normally doesn’t bother me—it’s usually covered up—but when we go to the beach I about die, not to mention that I’m always afraid he will scare the children playing on the beach. What to do? Insist that he wear a T-shirt when he’s there? Waxing (he’d NEVER do that!)? Please advise—we have a trip to South Beach coming up soon.
In love with a Neanderthal,
Jane
Dear Jane ~
In a recent response, I said that couples move through the honeymoon & disappointment stages of their relationships, with the lucky ones eventually reaching the success stage. Part of that success, I believe, hinges on the fact that those of us who reach that final stage have come to accept certain “idiosyncrasies” about our partners.
For example, I have a penchant for buying decorator items while we’re on vacation that Tom absolutely abhors because they’re, uh, well: butt ugly. And yet, over the years, he’s learned not merely to accept this idiosyncrasy of mine but to embrace it as part of who I am . . . although I should point out that every one of these items has ended up in my office on campus rather than in Tom & my home.
My point is that if you’ve been married to Hairy Man for 30 years, you should already have come to accept—hopefully even embrace—his hairiness as part of who he is. And I’m guessing he loves you even more for doing that.
As for frightening the children, based on my last trip to the beach, some of the tattoos they’ll see are way scarier than Hairy Man.
Rodger
Monday, October 13, 2008
When Your SO Has an Unhealthy Habit
Rodger:
My dating history is not pretty. I have not dated all that many guys although I am 27 years old. I have finally found a guy I enjoy being with and who enjoys being with me. The one problem is that I struggle constantly with my weight and he has an enormous appetite for fast food and yet never gains a pound. He would much rather go to McDonalds than to a more upscale restaurant or for me to make him dinner at home. Do I surrender to his passion and gain 50 pounds or give up the best guy I have ever dated?
Gaining Weight as I Write
Dear Gaining Weight as I Write ~
McDonalds doesn’t force feed customers to eat two big Macs & three orders of fries & two milk shakes & . . . you get my point.
Keep the guy & eat healthy.
Rodger
My dating history is not pretty. I have not dated all that many guys although I am 27 years old. I have finally found a guy I enjoy being with and who enjoys being with me. The one problem is that I struggle constantly with my weight and he has an enormous appetite for fast food and yet never gains a pound. He would much rather go to McDonalds than to a more upscale restaurant or for me to make him dinner at home. Do I surrender to his passion and gain 50 pounds or give up the best guy I have ever dated?
Gaining Weight as I Write
Dear Gaining Weight as I Write ~
McDonalds doesn’t force feed customers to eat two big Macs & three orders of fries & two milk shakes & . . . you get my point.
Keep the guy & eat healthy.
Rodger
Sunday, October 12, 2008
How Far to Go to Find a Husband
Dear Rodger:
My job is not only challenging and in the field that I have always wanted to work in but also has enormous opportunities for advancement. It is, in short, my dream job.
Meanwhile my romantic life is a nightmare. I have dated a few guys but have not been interested in any of them. I grew up in this city and have the same group of friends I had since high school. The problem is that all the good men have been picked off by my friends, leaving only the losers for me.
The option I have been considering is moving to another city, but I really hate the idea of giving up my dream job for the sole purpose of looking for a husband. And on top of this, my other problem is that I cannot really talk to any of my women friends here about this, as they will scream at me for being a traitor to my feminist beliefs.
A Feminist Traitor?
Dear Feminist ~
You’re not a traitor; you’re a realist. That is, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Nor is there anything wrong with taking drastic steps in an effort to make that happen.
That having seen said, however, I question if you have explored all the options.
Specifically, you mention in your letter that you have the same group of friends you had in high school. You didn’t tell me the name of the city where you live or how large it is, but I wonder if it isn’t possible for you to expand your circle of friends. Perhaps by developing friendships with people you work with? Or pursuing interests by attending cooking class or joining a book club—whatever activity you’re interested in that takes you beyond the same group of long-time friends.
Rodger
My job is not only challenging and in the field that I have always wanted to work in but also has enormous opportunities for advancement. It is, in short, my dream job.
Meanwhile my romantic life is a nightmare. I have dated a few guys but have not been interested in any of them. I grew up in this city and have the same group of friends I had since high school. The problem is that all the good men have been picked off by my friends, leaving only the losers for me.
The option I have been considering is moving to another city, but I really hate the idea of giving up my dream job for the sole purpose of looking for a husband. And on top of this, my other problem is that I cannot really talk to any of my women friends here about this, as they will scream at me for being a traitor to my feminist beliefs.
A Feminist Traitor?
Dear Feminist ~
You’re not a traitor; you’re a realist. That is, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Nor is there anything wrong with taking drastic steps in an effort to make that happen.
That having seen said, however, I question if you have explored all the options.
Specifically, you mention in your letter that you have the same group of friends you had in high school. You didn’t tell me the name of the city where you live or how large it is, but I wonder if it isn’t possible for you to expand your circle of friends. Perhaps by developing friendships with people you work with? Or pursuing interests by attending cooking class or joining a book club—whatever activity you’re interested in that takes you beyond the same group of long-time friends.
Rodger
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Barbie Doll--Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down?
Dear Rodger:
When my boyfriend and I are in bed together, he sometimes refers to me as “my Barbie doll.” I love for him to do that because it makes me feel beautiful and sexy—I’ve always had trouble controlling my weight and thinking of myself as attractive. He never uses the term when anyone else is around.
But just yesterday I mentioned his pet name for me to some of the girls I work with, and they said I should be outraged. They said “He’s objectifying you” and that he just thinks of me as his little plaything.
Should I be outraged? Should I tell him to stop using that name? Am I wrong to like this particular pet name?
Barbie in the Bedroom
Dear Barbie in the Bedroom ~
What you & your boyfriend call each other in private is up to you & him—& no one else. You may, however, want to keep such intimate details of your relationship to yourself.
As for being outraged, I’d save that for the fact that, within a matter of months, the Vice President of the United States may be Gun-Toting Barbie!
Rodger
When my boyfriend and I are in bed together, he sometimes refers to me as “my Barbie doll.” I love for him to do that because it makes me feel beautiful and sexy—I’ve always had trouble controlling my weight and thinking of myself as attractive. He never uses the term when anyone else is around.
But just yesterday I mentioned his pet name for me to some of the girls I work with, and they said I should be outraged. They said “He’s objectifying you” and that he just thinks of me as his little plaything.
Should I be outraged? Should I tell him to stop using that name? Am I wrong to like this particular pet name?
Barbie in the Bedroom
Dear Barbie in the Bedroom ~
What you & your boyfriend call each other in private is up to you & him—& no one else. You may, however, want to keep such intimate details of your relationship to yourself.
As for being outraged, I’d save that for the fact that, within a matter of months, the Vice President of the United States may be Gun-Toting Barbie!
Rodger
Friday, October 10, 2008
Educating Parents
Dear Rodger ~
After a dozen years of dating lots of men, I have finally reached the point, at 32, where I am perfectly content with the single life. And so, while I am still certainly open to the possibility of meeting a man to share my life with, I no longer consider that a necessity for me to be happy or even a priority in my life.
Unfortunately, my parents do not share my contentment. I am an only child, which means I am their only chance for grandchildren. I am not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a single mother, and they would not like that prospect anyway.
My question to you is: How do I make my parents content with having an unmarried daughter who is not going to give them grandchildren?
Single and Content
Dear Single & Content ~
As I’ve said in the past & will, I’m sure, say to many letter writers in the future: Just about the only thing you can “make” another person . . . is a cheese sandwich.
You can certainly try to communicate—repeatedly—to your parents that you are fully content being single, but you can’t force them to give up their dream of having grandchildren. Then again, while you probably owe your parents a great deal, it’s not your responsibility either to fulfill their dreams or to find someone to father the grandchildren they would like to have.
Rodger
After a dozen years of dating lots of men, I have finally reached the point, at 32, where I am perfectly content with the single life. And so, while I am still certainly open to the possibility of meeting a man to share my life with, I no longer consider that a necessity for me to be happy or even a priority in my life.
Unfortunately, my parents do not share my contentment. I am an only child, which means I am their only chance for grandchildren. I am not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a single mother, and they would not like that prospect anyway.
My question to you is: How do I make my parents content with having an unmarried daughter who is not going to give them grandchildren?
Single and Content
Dear Single & Content ~
As I’ve said in the past & will, I’m sure, say to many letter writers in the future: Just about the only thing you can “make” another person . . . is a cheese sandwich.
You can certainly try to communicate—repeatedly—to your parents that you are fully content being single, but you can’t force them to give up their dream of having grandchildren. Then again, while you probably owe your parents a great deal, it’s not your responsibility either to fulfill their dreams or to find someone to father the grandchildren they would like to have.
Rodger
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Teachers & Students--Nyet!
Dear Rodger:
I see on the My Day Job section of your website that you are a teacher, so you should know about what I want to ask you. I am 33 years old and teaching as a part-time faculty member for the first time. I am very attracted to one of my students. The class is part of an MA program and the student who has caught my eye is 31. There is no question that he is at least as interested in me as I am in him, because he flirts with me every class session. I am planning to ask him out soon, but I decided to check with you before I do that, to make sure it is all right to do this sort of thing in the academic world.
Prof with a Plan
Dear Prof with a Plan ~
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
No, No, No! It is absolutely unacceptable for you to date one of your students while he's in your class. It would be the definition of unprofessional to do such a thing.
After the course is over & you’ve turned in your grades, it’s a different story.
Rodger
I see on the My Day Job section of your website that you are a teacher, so you should know about what I want to ask you. I am 33 years old and teaching as a part-time faculty member for the first time. I am very attracted to one of my students. The class is part of an MA program and the student who has caught my eye is 31. There is no question that he is at least as interested in me as I am in him, because he flirts with me every class session. I am planning to ask him out soon, but I decided to check with you before I do that, to make sure it is all right to do this sort of thing in the academic world.
Prof with a Plan
Dear Prof with a Plan ~
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
No, No, No! It is absolutely unacceptable for you to date one of your students while he's in your class. It would be the definition of unprofessional to do such a thing.
After the course is over & you’ve turned in your grades, it’s a different story.
Rodger
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Reconnecting after a Breakup
Dear Rodger ~
I can sometimes act impulsively and then have regrets later. This happened with my last boyfriend. I got tired of him whining forever about his boss at work so I told him I didn’t want to go out with him anymore unless he either quit whining or changed jobs. He then started dating another girl I know and has since changed jobs. Now I regret breaking up with him and want him back. What should I do?
Ms. Impulsive
Dear Ms. Impulsive ~
Contact him in some way—such as by e-mail—& tell him that you made a mistake & would like to resume your relationship. If he responds & agrees, go for it. But if he either fails to respond or says he’s not interested, let it go.
And remember the lesson the next time you’re tempted to act impulsively.
Rodger
I can sometimes act impulsively and then have regrets later. This happened with my last boyfriend. I got tired of him whining forever about his boss at work so I told him I didn’t want to go out with him anymore unless he either quit whining or changed jobs. He then started dating another girl I know and has since changed jobs. Now I regret breaking up with him and want him back. What should I do?
Ms. Impulsive
Dear Ms. Impulsive ~
Contact him in some way—such as by e-mail—& tell him that you made a mistake & would like to resume your relationship. If he responds & agrees, go for it. But if he either fails to respond or says he’s not interested, let it go.
And remember the lesson the next time you’re tempted to act impulsively.
Rodger
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Giving Rationalizing the Green Light
Rodger—
My BF and I are both atheists, or that is what I thought. But the other day when we were talking about if we want to have children he announces he wants our children baptized.
When I told him I did not want our children baptized and if he wanted to have them baptized then he was not an atheist at all, he kept insisting that he is an atheist. We both got frustrated by this point in the discussion so we stopped talking about it.
I think he is rationalizing and that he really is not an atheist and should not claim to be. What do you think?
Atheist All the Way
Dear Atheist ~
I think you & your boyfriend need to keep talking. Not about whether he can wear the atheist label but about whether you want to have your children baptized.
Although there’s nothing wrong with setting a topic “on the shelf,” so to speak, when two people reach an impasse or when the discussion becomes overly heated, something as important as your future children’s religious upbringing—or not—needs to be fully discussed before a couple moves toward marriage.
As for the whole rationalizing brouhaha, I’ll end this letter on a light note by asking:
Question: How is rationalizing different from having sex?
Answer: It IS possible to get through the day without sex.
Rodger
My BF and I are both atheists, or that is what I thought. But the other day when we were talking about if we want to have children he announces he wants our children baptized.
When I told him I did not want our children baptized and if he wanted to have them baptized then he was not an atheist at all, he kept insisting that he is an atheist. We both got frustrated by this point in the discussion so we stopped talking about it.
I think he is rationalizing and that he really is not an atheist and should not claim to be. What do you think?
Atheist All the Way
Dear Atheist ~
I think you & your boyfriend need to keep talking. Not about whether he can wear the atheist label but about whether you want to have your children baptized.
Although there’s nothing wrong with setting a topic “on the shelf,” so to speak, when two people reach an impasse or when the discussion becomes overly heated, something as important as your future children’s religious upbringing—or not—needs to be fully discussed before a couple moves toward marriage.
As for the whole rationalizing brouhaha, I’ll end this letter on a light note by asking:
Question: How is rationalizing different from having sex?
Answer: It IS possible to get through the day without sex.
Rodger
Monday, October 6, 2008
Entering the Disappointment Stage
Dear Rodger ~
I have been dating a guy for about two months. I’m not saying he’s the love of my life, but things are definitely moving along nicely.
Just last night, though, we watched a TV show that prompted him to go into a long, intense rant about how outraged he is about people having plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons. He said that it is fine for someone who was disfigured in a car accident or because of a disease, but other than that he thinks it is “indefensible” for anyone to be vain enough to have plastic surgery.
The trouble is, I had plastic surgery when I was younger. I was 18 and self-conscious about my nose being pointy. So I had it worked on. I went to a high school where a lot of girls had work done, so it was not a big deal in my world.
Now it is more than a decade later and I have my own misgivings about plastic surgery. But I obviously also have misgivings about telling my boyfriend or I would have done it last night. I guess part of my thinking is that I do not see how he would ever find out about my early nose job, so why should I tell him about something that is ancient history?
Girl With the Cute Nose
Dear Girl With the Cute Nose ~
Long-term, fulfilling relationships go through three stages that I summarize with the words: honeymoon, disappointment & success.
Telling your boyfriend about your plastic surgery is part of your transition from the first stage to the second. Hearing this news will probably be disappointing to him, but not a deal breaker. And if the revelation does cause him to stop dating you, I’m not so sure he’s worth keeping anyway. In other words, if he can’t acknowledge how an 18-year-old can make a decision that she later regrets, he doesn’t clear the "being understanding bar."
As for exactly how to tell him, show him the letter you wrote me. It tells the story well: You did something at an early age that you might or might not do today.
Indeed, your nose job experience is a whole new take on freshman forgiveness.
Rodger
I have been dating a guy for about two months. I’m not saying he’s the love of my life, but things are definitely moving along nicely.
Just last night, though, we watched a TV show that prompted him to go into a long, intense rant about how outraged he is about people having plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons. He said that it is fine for someone who was disfigured in a car accident or because of a disease, but other than that he thinks it is “indefensible” for anyone to be vain enough to have plastic surgery.
The trouble is, I had plastic surgery when I was younger. I was 18 and self-conscious about my nose being pointy. So I had it worked on. I went to a high school where a lot of girls had work done, so it was not a big deal in my world.
Now it is more than a decade later and I have my own misgivings about plastic surgery. But I obviously also have misgivings about telling my boyfriend or I would have done it last night. I guess part of my thinking is that I do not see how he would ever find out about my early nose job, so why should I tell him about something that is ancient history?
Girl With the Cute Nose
Dear Girl With the Cute Nose ~
Long-term, fulfilling relationships go through three stages that I summarize with the words: honeymoon, disappointment & success.
Telling your boyfriend about your plastic surgery is part of your transition from the first stage to the second. Hearing this news will probably be disappointing to him, but not a deal breaker. And if the revelation does cause him to stop dating you, I’m not so sure he’s worth keeping anyway. In other words, if he can’t acknowledge how an 18-year-old can make a decision that she later regrets, he doesn’t clear the "being understanding bar."
As for exactly how to tell him, show him the letter you wrote me. It tells the story well: You did something at an early age that you might or might not do today.
Indeed, your nose job experience is a whole new take on freshman forgiveness.
Rodger
Sunday, October 5, 2008
"The Gays" Can Handle Themselves
Rodger,
One of my best and oldest friends is a gay guy. I have met numerous of Todd’s lovers over the last 10 years or so, and we have gone dancing and clubbing together dozens of times. So I am reasonably familiar with and comfortable being around gay men.
The guy I am now dating apparently has never been around a gay guy before. Whenever he gets anywhere near Todd, he starts asking him questions. It isn’t that he is rude or impolite, it’s just that the questions never end. Things like “What TV shows do gays like?” and “Why do so many gays like Bette Midler?” and “Why do gays pay so much attention to how they look?”
Todd is very nice about it and just smiles and answers whatever question he asks, but I find it embarrassing. What should I do?
Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed ~
As long as your friend is older than 6, which I’m assuming he is, he’s fully capable of dealing with the situation. That is, if Toddy boy gets tired of answering the questions, he’ll stop.
I suppose you could go the extra mile & mention to Todd that it’s fine with you that he responds to the questions any way he sees fit—you might do this because so many of us ho-hos are so blasted determined to play nicey nice with everyone we meet. But, beyond that, let Todd handle the situation however he wants to.
Frankly, I think the questions you used as examples are perfectly reasonable ones. Maybe Todd likes the idea both of (1.) forcing himself to think about the questions & (2.) helping to educate someone about “the gays.”
Rodger
One of my best and oldest friends is a gay guy. I have met numerous of Todd’s lovers over the last 10 years or so, and we have gone dancing and clubbing together dozens of times. So I am reasonably familiar with and comfortable being around gay men.
The guy I am now dating apparently has never been around a gay guy before. Whenever he gets anywhere near Todd, he starts asking him questions. It isn’t that he is rude or impolite, it’s just that the questions never end. Things like “What TV shows do gays like?” and “Why do so many gays like Bette Midler?” and “Why do gays pay so much attention to how they look?”
Todd is very nice about it and just smiles and answers whatever question he asks, but I find it embarrassing. What should I do?
Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed ~
As long as your friend is older than 6, which I’m assuming he is, he’s fully capable of dealing with the situation. That is, if Toddy boy gets tired of answering the questions, he’ll stop.
I suppose you could go the extra mile & mention to Todd that it’s fine with you that he responds to the questions any way he sees fit—you might do this because so many of us ho-hos are so blasted determined to play nicey nice with everyone we meet. But, beyond that, let Todd handle the situation however he wants to.
Frankly, I think the questions you used as examples are perfectly reasonable ones. Maybe Todd likes the idea both of (1.) forcing himself to think about the questions & (2.) helping to educate someone about “the gays.”
Rodger
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Sex After 30
Rodger:
I know your blog is mostly for Straight Chicks. You being a queer man though makes me hope that you also will answer questions from other queer guys. Queer guys in our 20s are totally on our own. I mean that there are other relationship counselors to talk to Straight Chicks but you are the only one I know of to talk to queer guys like me.
So my first question is about sex. I guess that is not a big surprise. A lot of queer guys have told me that we have more sex than straight men, and that is cool. But one guy told me we queers should have as much sex as we can during our 20s because queer guys pretty much stop having sex when they turn 30. Is that true?
So many men so little time
Dear So Many Men ~
My biggest concern as I began this advice blog was that readers would ask me questions that I didn’t have an answer for. And so, I’m thrilled that your question is one that I can answer definitively with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.
That is, take it from a guy who’s been in a gay relationship for a very long time, the sex doesn’t have to stop. Indeed, I can say without hesitation that the sex between Tom & me is better now than it was 25 years ago. Honest!
The big advantage of having sex with the same person for a long period of time is that there’s none of that fumbling around trying to figure out what each of you likes. You know, “So you’re saying I drove all the way out here to the suburbs & now you tell me that all you’re willing to do on the first date is cuddle!”
My guess is that the guy who told you to have as much sex as you can in your 20s was eager to have sex with you—right now, an hour from now, an hour after that, . . . you get the picture.
Rodger
I know your blog is mostly for Straight Chicks. You being a queer man though makes me hope that you also will answer questions from other queer guys. Queer guys in our 20s are totally on our own. I mean that there are other relationship counselors to talk to Straight Chicks but you are the only one I know of to talk to queer guys like me.
So my first question is about sex. I guess that is not a big surprise. A lot of queer guys have told me that we have more sex than straight men, and that is cool. But one guy told me we queers should have as much sex as we can during our 20s because queer guys pretty much stop having sex when they turn 30. Is that true?
So many men so little time
Dear So Many Men ~
My biggest concern as I began this advice blog was that readers would ask me questions that I didn’t have an answer for. And so, I’m thrilled that your question is one that I can answer definitively with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.
That is, take it from a guy who’s been in a gay relationship for a very long time, the sex doesn’t have to stop. Indeed, I can say without hesitation that the sex between Tom & me is better now than it was 25 years ago. Honest!
The big advantage of having sex with the same person for a long period of time is that there’s none of that fumbling around trying to figure out what each of you likes. You know, “So you’re saying I drove all the way out here to the suburbs & now you tell me that all you’re willing to do on the first date is cuddle!”
My guess is that the guy who told you to have as much sex as you can in your 20s was eager to have sex with you—right now, an hour from now, an hour after that, . . . you get the picture.
Rodger
Friday, October 3, 2008
Politics & Relationships
Dear Rodger:
My boyfriend and I do not agree on politics. He is for Obama and I am for McCain. That is generally not an issue, we just don’t talk about politics, but today he put an Obama sign in front of our townhouse. So I said to him, “Why did you do that? You know I support McCain.” He sort of smirked and said, “You moved in with me. I own the townhouse.”
Well, he is right technically, but this is still my home too. What should I do?
McCain Fan
Dear McCain Fan ~
Ouch!
I’m having a hard time seeing how this relationship is going to work when your boyfriend “smirked” when talking about making such a strong political statement when he knows you’re in a different camp. He was playing the power card or money card way too publicly for my taste.
How about if you find a McCain sign & plant it right next to his Obama sign? Then the first time you see each other after you’ve put the sign in place, you give him a coy smile—& maybe a wink. My thinking here is that you may be able to break the tension & keep things playful.
If you don’t want to go this route or he doesn’t take your action in the lighthearted way I’m suggesting he might, the only other route I see is that the two of you have a heavy-duty talk not about your differing politics but about the fact that him pushing it in your face that he owns the home you live in is totally unacceptable to you.
Rodger
My boyfriend and I do not agree on politics. He is for Obama and I am for McCain. That is generally not an issue, we just don’t talk about politics, but today he put an Obama sign in front of our townhouse. So I said to him, “Why did you do that? You know I support McCain.” He sort of smirked and said, “You moved in with me. I own the townhouse.”
Well, he is right technically, but this is still my home too. What should I do?
McCain Fan
Dear McCain Fan ~
Ouch!
I’m having a hard time seeing how this relationship is going to work when your boyfriend “smirked” when talking about making such a strong political statement when he knows you’re in a different camp. He was playing the power card or money card way too publicly for my taste.
How about if you find a McCain sign & plant it right next to his Obama sign? Then the first time you see each other after you’ve put the sign in place, you give him a coy smile—& maybe a wink. My thinking here is that you may be able to break the tension & keep things playful.
If you don’t want to go this route or he doesn’t take your action in the lighthearted way I’m suggesting he might, the only other route I see is that the two of you have a heavy-duty talk not about your differing politics but about the fact that him pushing it in your face that he owns the home you live in is totally unacceptable to you.
Rodger
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Damaging the Bond of Trust
Dear Rodger,
The guy I have been dating for just over a year and who I have fallen in love with just told me that he has a child from a previous relationship. The child is three years old and Steve provides substantial child support every month for her.
If he had told me right after we started dating that he had a child, I would have been fine with that. But that he did not tell me until now, though, makes me wonder if I can trust him. When I asked him why he did not tell me, he said other girls he has dated refused to get involved with him when they found out he has financial responsibilities for a child.
Should I continue in this relationship or is this a deal breaker?
Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom?
Dear Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom? ~
The issue is not whether you’re ready to be a stepmom. The issue is whether you can trust a guy who concealed a HUGE detail about his life from you for more than a year.
The decision is yours, of course, but his action certainly justifies you ending the relationship, if you decide to go that route. At the very least, you need to tell him that he has seriously damaged your ability to trust him & that it will take an enormous effort on his part to regain that trust.
Rodger
The guy I have been dating for just over a year and who I have fallen in love with just told me that he has a child from a previous relationship. The child is three years old and Steve provides substantial child support every month for her.
If he had told me right after we started dating that he had a child, I would have been fine with that. But that he did not tell me until now, though, makes me wonder if I can trust him. When I asked him why he did not tell me, he said other girls he has dated refused to get involved with him when they found out he has financial responsibilities for a child.
Should I continue in this relationship or is this a deal breaker?
Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom?
Dear Am I Ready to Be a Stepmom? ~
The issue is not whether you’re ready to be a stepmom. The issue is whether you can trust a guy who concealed a HUGE detail about his life from you for more than a year.
The decision is yours, of course, but his action certainly justifies you ending the relationship, if you decide to go that route. At the very least, you need to tell him that he has seriously damaged your ability to trust him & that it will take an enormous effort on his part to regain that trust.
Rodger
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Where to Find a SO
Dear Rodger,
I am one of the millions of women who has tried and tried to find a SO but has failed. I am 31 years old and have been going to clubs every Friday and Saturday night for years, even though I hate doing it. But I also hate being tired and alone. I know that part of the problem is that I am an elementary school teacher and that means almost all of the people I meet at work are either other women or 7 year old boys—and I am not that desperate! I don’t mean to say that the only thing that is important in my life is being coupled but I do believe that my life will be fuller if I could share it with another person. So now I am turning to a gay man to ask: Where do I find a straight man worth keeping?
One of the Millions
Dear One of the Millions—
No simple answer here.
My advice is that you spend your time doing things you enjoy doing, while, at the same time, putting yourself in situations where it’s reasonable that you might cross paths with someone who likes doing the same things you do.
If you’re socially conscious, volunteer at a soup kitchen or go on a Habitat for Humanity gig. If you’re spiritual, join a church or synagogue with a strong contingent of singles. If you enjoy politics, work on a candidate’s campaign. If you love to read, join a book club—preferably one that crosses the gender line. Of course meeting a friend of a friend at a party is always possible, too, so keep accepting those e-vites.
No, there’s no guarantee that this strategy will pay off right away—or ever, for that matter. At the very least, though, you’ll be spending your time doing things you enjoy rather than hating those nights at the clubs.
Rodger
I am one of the millions of women who has tried and tried to find a SO but has failed. I am 31 years old and have been going to clubs every Friday and Saturday night for years, even though I hate doing it. But I also hate being tired and alone. I know that part of the problem is that I am an elementary school teacher and that means almost all of the people I meet at work are either other women or 7 year old boys—and I am not that desperate! I don’t mean to say that the only thing that is important in my life is being coupled but I do believe that my life will be fuller if I could share it with another person. So now I am turning to a gay man to ask: Where do I find a straight man worth keeping?
One of the Millions
Dear One of the Millions—
No simple answer here.
My advice is that you spend your time doing things you enjoy doing, while, at the same time, putting yourself in situations where it’s reasonable that you might cross paths with someone who likes doing the same things you do.
If you’re socially conscious, volunteer at a soup kitchen or go on a Habitat for Humanity gig. If you’re spiritual, join a church or synagogue with a strong contingent of singles. If you enjoy politics, work on a candidate’s campaign. If you love to read, join a book club—preferably one that crosses the gender line. Of course meeting a friend of a friend at a party is always possible, too, so keep accepting those e-vites.
No, there’s no guarantee that this strategy will pay off right away—or ever, for that matter. At the very least, though, you’ll be spending your time doing things you enjoy rather than hating those nights at the clubs.
Rodger
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