FINAL POST: When There's a Job Status Difference

Rodger:

I am a lawyer who works in a prestigious firm. Last week I agreed to go on a date with a guy who is the son of a friend of my aunt’s. It wasn’t until yesterday, after my aunt’s friend told the guy that I had agreed to go on the date, that I learned that this guy never finished college and works in construction.

I do not see the point of wasting my time when I know very well that I could never take him to any of the functions (dinners and cocktails parties) that all of us in the firm are expected to bring our spouses to, so there is no way this could ever go anywhere. Am I right to cancel before leading him on?

Lawyer Girl


Dear Lawyer Girl ~

It’s unbelievably prejudiced of you to assume that, just because you’re a lawyer, this construction worker will be embarrassed to accompany you to events & mingle with all your low-life lawyer buddies, even though they’re pretty much the dregs of society.

OK, now that I have that out of my system, here’s some actual advice.

You have no idea what this guy is like. Just because he doesn’t have a college diploma certainly doesn’t mean he’s stupid, if that’s what you’re concerned about. And besides that, if you have hardcore parameters as to who you’ll go on a single date with, you should have told that to your aunt before you ever agreed to go out with the guy.

Go on the date & find out who the guy is.

Rodger

Defining the Boundaries of Dating

Rodge—

I know that it is unwise to date someone you work with because if the relationship goes bad, so will the job. But what about dating a neighbor?

Specifically, I just bought my first house. The guy next door and I have chatted and he has helped me out with household problems such as cutting the branch off a tree. I would like to ask him out, but I fear that if the dating ends badly, then I will have tension with someone living right next door, not to mention losing my handy man.

Defining Dating Boundaries


Dear Defining Dating Boundaries ~

It’s not off limits to date either a coworker or a neighbor. The “No Trespassing” sign pops up only if you’re talking about dating your boss or employee, or your landlord or tenant.

As for the possibility of a relationship with a neighbor going south, yes, you should proceed with caution & consider the potential negative consequences before asking out the guy. But as long as you & he are both mature adults who know what you’re getting into (and what you may eventually have to get out of), there’s no reason why you shouldn’t take the risk & give it a shot.

Rodger

Size Matters

Rodger:

My boyfriend and I have been having a long standing argument that I hope you, as a gay guy, can help me with. I know gay guys are a lot more sexual than straight guys so I will ask you my question: My boyfriend claims that he has a very large penis but I do not have any way of knowing if that is true or not, so how large is the average man’s penis?

Girl with a Tape Measure


Dear Girl with a Tape Measure ~

I am bracing myself as I respond to your question, not because I don’t have a good response but because I can already hear my partner Tom yelling at me, as soon as he reads my answer, “And exactly how, Rodger, do you know the answer to this question?”

So I’ll start by saying that I found the answer on the Internet.

And that answer is: The average male penis is 5.1 inches long & has a circumference of 4.8 inches.

(Unless, of course, you happen to be in a chat room for gay men, & then you’ll need to double both dimensions.)

Rodger

The Power of Porn

Dear Rodger:

My BF of six months is addicted to porn. He watches it on the Internet at least two nights a week, consistently having a “happy ending” by the time the credits roll. Meanwhile, he and I have a great sex life, which means we have terrific sex at least two nights a week. I don’t want to have sex with him more than two nights a week, but I don’t like it when I ask him if he’s been climaxing while watching porn and he says “yes.” What to do?

Porn Addict’s GF


Dear Porn Addict’s GF ~

How about if you stop asking?

My point is, (1.) if he were lying to you, that would be a problem & (2.) if his watching porn were preventing the two of you from having a fulfilling sex life, that would be a problem.

But from what you’ve said, neither of those possibilities is at issue. The only problem occurs when you ask him a question that you apparently don’t want to hear the answer to . . . & presumably, at this point, pretty much know the answer to anyway.

Rodger

To My Readers

I am using today’s post to announce that I will soon bring my blog to an end.

My plan is to post a handful of letters along with the responses I’ve already written, but then to say “buh-bye” to my venture into offering relationship advice.

I've enjoyed this phase of my writing life, & I think I may even have succeeded in either helping some of you readers or adding a bright spot to your day—sometimes, maybe even both!

But the blog writing process—which includes reading your incoming letters, thinking about & then writing responses, posting the letters/responses, & moderating the comments that you send in during the day—demands a great deal of time & energy.

So I've decided to put the blog aside so I can move forward on another long-term writing project that's been simmering away on a back burner.

Thank all of you for your interest & support--

Rodger

When a Couple Moves Too Fast

Rodger—

My BF and I dated for two months and then moved in together.

I now realize that we moved too fast and should have dated longer before taking that big step. It is not that I want to break up with him, it is just that I am miserable and want to date for a while longer and only then decide if we want to move in.

In a situation like this, can a couple go backward and still survive?

Jumped the Gun


Dear Jumped the Gun~

Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, you have no choice but to try going back to the dating phase because the “miserable” state that you describe yourself as being in is simply unacceptable.

So, you have no guarantee that the relationship will survive. But, then again, you have no option but to give it a try.

Rodger

Identifying a Deal Breaker

Rodger:

My BF of three years and I are compatible in many ways. But we are on the verge of breaking up because I desperately want to have children and he adamantly refuses to have children. Now I am struggling because we are right for each other in so many ways, but I have always dreamed of having children and I just wonder if maybe he will change his mind about children if we get married and he sees that children are the next logical step so that we feel fulfilled.

On the Verge of Breaking Up


Dear On the Verge of Breaking Up ~

I’d put the possibility of your BF changing his mind about children “if you get married” in the same category as . . . “if my aunt grows a pair,” she’ll be my uncle.

In other words, if you place high value on having children & your BF is adamantly opposed to that idea, it’s time to say buh-bye & move on.

Rodger

Maturing vs. Settling

Dear Rodger:

Now that I am in my mid 30s I recognize that when I was in my 20s I had highly unrealistic expectations about who I would eventually marry. I was driven by those fairytale ideas of love and happy ever after that Hollywood promotes. Now I have come to accept the fact that it is unlikely that I will walk down the aisle with Brad Pitt. But I worry that perhaps I have given up too soon. How do I know if I am maturing or just settling?

35 and Unsure


Dear 35 and Unsure ~

If in your 20s you refused to go out with a guy because he was 20 pounds overweight or had thinning hair but now you would date such a guy, you are maturing. In other words, you are realizing that the 20-something version of you was shallow.

If at 35 you are not only willing to go on one date with a guy who carries around 20 extra pounds and has thinning hair but you also are willing to go on several dates with him, even though you are not in love with him but you see the possibility of that happening, you are maturing.

Rodger

When You Are an Accomplice

Dear Rodger—

I have a friend who is having an affair with a married man. The man and his wife are also acquaintances of mine and there have been several times that my friend has asked me to cover for her by telling the female acquaintance that my friend was with me when she really was with the married man.

I have told my friend that I am uncomfortable with this deceit of lying to the female acquaintance but my friend says that if I am her friend I should be willing to help her and stand by her.

I am tired of the deceit but I like to think of myself as a loyal friend. What should I do?

Reluctant Accomplice



Dear Reluctant Accomplice ~

If your “friend” is repeatedly asking you to lie so she can have a good time with another woman’s husband, she is not your friend at all. Stop lying for her, which will probably end your friendship, & that’s fine because she really isn’t your friend anyway.

Friends don’t help friends commit reprehensible acts . . . a statement that you have my permission to embroider on a pillow & sell to Pottery Barn.

Rodger

When You Are a Touchy Girl

Rodger—

I am a very gregarious person. When I am in a line waiting to go into a movie or in Starbucks having a cup of coffee, I chat with the man or woman in front of me or at the next table. A lot of times, this leads to me touching the person on the knee or on the back or on the arm.

I think this is a charming part of who I am—who doesn’t want a gregarious girlfriend? But my boyfriend finds it annoying. He tells me I can talk and touch women like this but not men. I tell him he is immature and has to accept me for who I am. Who is right?

Touchy Girl


Dear Touchy Girl~

It’s up to the two of you to decide what’s acceptable & what isn’t. Two people who are in a relationship have to develop their own customized rules vis-à-vis their behavior.

I probably should stop with the previous paragraph, but I’m going to go the next step & say I think your boyfriend would be on solid ground saying that you touching other men is going too far. Chatting, yes; touching, no.

Rodger

How Alpha Is Enough Alpha?

Dear Rodger:

I have been in a relationship for three years. Throughout this time I have always been the dominant partner. For instance, when I was offered a job in a new city that required us to move, my SO readily gave up his job and relocated with me. I am always dominant in lesser decisions too such as what restaurants we go to.

The only time we ever switched roles is when his parents said they did not like me because they do not think a woman should be so dominant. I then told my SO that if he did not stand up to them, I was ending the relationship. As soon as I told him that he immediately told me to get in the car and we drove right over to their house and he told them that if they did not accept me he was going to choose me over them. He could not possibly have performed better than he did.

Is all this a red flag that should be telling me to end the relationship?

Dominant Partner


Dear Dominant Partner ~

Let me see if I understand you correctly.

You generally like to make decisions, & your SO is fine with that.

But when you insist that he stands up for you, he does that.

And you are asking if these circumstances should cause you to end the relationship?

No, don’t end the relationship.

Instead, clone the guy & make a zillion dollars!!!

Rodger

When Dreams Are Not Shared

Dear Rodger,

My BF and I have been dating for three years and living together for two. We both agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are in our late 20s and make good salaries. I have been putting money into an account every month to pay for our wedding. My BF does not contribute to the account because he keeps spending his extra money each month on his wardrobe. I feel like I am the only one working to have the wedding of our dreams. I also fear that what is going on is that he is commitment phobic but does not want to say that directly but is communicating it by not saving money for the wedding.

Resentful Saver


Dear Resentful Saver ~

I wonder if you & your BF may not share the same dream—at least when it comes to the kind of wedding you want. That is, perhaps your dream is to have a big wedding, while he would be perfectly happy just to go down to the courthouse & find a justice of the peace. If that’s the case, you have to decide if you also would be satisfied with that scaled-down type of wedding.

In short, my advice is that you stop feeling resentful & start talking to your BF about what you both want & what compromises you’re both willing to make.

Rodger