Dear Rodger—
I have a question that may be too sexual for you to talk about, but it is very much on my mind and I really would like an honest answer from a man I trust.
My BF keeps complaining that I am too rough during sex. He doesn’t seem to mind what I do with his dick, but he gets all “testy” when I get too rough with his testicles.
My question: Are they really that fragile or is my BF just a wimp?
Girl Who Likes It Rough
Dear Girl Who Likes It Rough ~
Yes, the testicles are that fragile.
To support that statement, I’ll get all professorial on you & point out that “testes” is Latin for “to testify.” Indeed, back in Roman times, the testes were what our Bible is today. That is, men who were about to testify in court were required to place their right hand over their testicles.
I’ll also say that, if you & your BF eventually hope to have children, it’s in your best interest to go gentle when you start playing around in his crotch area. As long as the family jewels are protected, they’ll be able to produce the sperm you’ll need when it comes times to make babies. If they get damaged, however, we’re talking no babies . . . as well as one very pain-filled & angry BF.
Rodger
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Timing Is Everything
Dear Rodger:
I know your blog is for straight women, but I hope you’ll be willing to respond to my letter, even though I am a straight man, because I’m afraid I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Last weekend I told a woman who is highly intelligent, extremely kind, has a great sense of humor and is extremely attractive that I had to end our relationship. I did this because it's been less than three months since I signed the divorce papers that ended six years of marriage that were a horrendous nightmare except for my toddler son who I have committed to making my priority for the next stage of my life.
I told the woman I broke up with that I had to end the relationship because she wanted a commitment (because she is 35 and wants children) and I am not ready to do that right now. She said she understood and had no hard feelings toward me, which was the right thing for her to do but I fear I have now lost the perfect mate.
Am I a Fool?
Dear Am I a Fool? ~
You are not a fool; you are a person of integrity.
You told the woman the truth, which is highly commendable. And based on what you have said, that’s the only thing you could have told her.
When you feel like you’re ready to make a commitment to the woman, I encourage you to make an effort to reconnect with her. She may, at that point, still be interested in picking up on her relationship with you. Then again, she may have moved on. Whatever happens, you should be proud of yourself for having done the right thing vis-à-vis your son.
Rodger
I know your blog is for straight women, but I hope you’ll be willing to respond to my letter, even though I am a straight man, because I’m afraid I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Last weekend I told a woman who is highly intelligent, extremely kind, has a great sense of humor and is extremely attractive that I had to end our relationship. I did this because it's been less than three months since I signed the divorce papers that ended six years of marriage that were a horrendous nightmare except for my toddler son who I have committed to making my priority for the next stage of my life.
I told the woman I broke up with that I had to end the relationship because she wanted a commitment (because she is 35 and wants children) and I am not ready to do that right now. She said she understood and had no hard feelings toward me, which was the right thing for her to do but I fear I have now lost the perfect mate.
Am I a Fool?
Dear Am I a Fool? ~
You are not a fool; you are a person of integrity.
You told the woman the truth, which is highly commendable. And based on what you have said, that’s the only thing you could have told her.
When you feel like you’re ready to make a commitment to the woman, I encourage you to make an effort to reconnect with her. She may, at that point, still be interested in picking up on her relationship with you. Then again, she may have moved on. Whatever happens, you should be proud of yourself for having done the right thing vis-à-vis your son.
Rodger
Monday, November 24, 2008
Deciding if a Guy Is Commitment Phobic
Dear Rodger:
My BF has been in two serious relationships before, both of them ended after three years—same place as we are now. I am afraid that I may be broken relationship No. 3.
About a year ago I brought up, in a subtle way, the idea of getting married. He said he wanted to wait until he got out of debt. He has since made some progress on that, but he still has some debt.
Because of his two previous relationships, I am concerned that his pattern spells commitment phobic. How can I determine if he is or is not serious about marrying me?
I Don’t Want to Be No. 3
Dear I Don’t Want to Be No. 3 ~
I AM WRITING MY RESPONSE TO YOU IN CAPITAL LETTERS IN THE HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU ARE RESIDING!!!
The best way to figure out if he is or isn’t ready to get married is to ask him.
I know, I know, you’re probably one of those girls who would prefer that he ask you, but, well, that doesn’t seem to be happening. So my suggestion is that you propose to him. At the very least, this should help you figure out exactly where you stand in the relationship. At the most, you’ll soon be walking down the aisle.
Rodger
My BF has been in two serious relationships before, both of them ended after three years—same place as we are now. I am afraid that I may be broken relationship No. 3.
About a year ago I brought up, in a subtle way, the idea of getting married. He said he wanted to wait until he got out of debt. He has since made some progress on that, but he still has some debt.
Because of his two previous relationships, I am concerned that his pattern spells commitment phobic. How can I determine if he is or is not serious about marrying me?
I Don’t Want to Be No. 3
Dear I Don’t Want to Be No. 3 ~
I AM WRITING MY RESPONSE TO YOU IN CAPITAL LETTERS IN THE HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU ARE RESIDING!!!
The best way to figure out if he is or isn’t ready to get married is to ask him.
I know, I know, you’re probably one of those girls who would prefer that he ask you, but, well, that doesn’t seem to be happening. So my suggestion is that you propose to him. At the very least, this should help you figure out exactly where you stand in the relationship. At the most, you’ll soon be walking down the aisle.
Rodger
Sunday, November 23, 2008
When There's an Age Gap
Dear Rodger:
I am a 32-year-old man who is involved with a 51-year-old man. We have been dating for eight months and are very compatible.
I think I am “old” for my age while he is “young” for his age. By that, I mean that he likes to go out to clubs a lot more than I do. If he had his choice, we would go dancing and drinking three nights a week. If I had my choice, we would go out maybe once a month. So we have compromised on once a week. And that seems to work.
For a few more details, we both have higher educations and we both have professional careers. He makes about $20,000 more a year than I do, but that is only because he has been working longer than I have.
Even though so many things seem to be working and I really love him, my family members insist that I should be with a man my own age.
What do you think?
An Old Soul
Dear An Old Soul ~
Numerous studies have found that two gay men with age differences of 15 or 20 years can have very stable & long-lasting relationships. Also, I’ve known lots of fulfilled couples with the kind of age gap you’ve described.
As long as the two of you are happy with this arrangement, I see no reason for concern. Just try not to be such an “old soul” that you’re no longer young enough for him!
Rodger
I am a 32-year-old man who is involved with a 51-year-old man. We have been dating for eight months and are very compatible.
I think I am “old” for my age while he is “young” for his age. By that, I mean that he likes to go out to clubs a lot more than I do. If he had his choice, we would go dancing and drinking three nights a week. If I had my choice, we would go out maybe once a month. So we have compromised on once a week. And that seems to work.
For a few more details, we both have higher educations and we both have professional careers. He makes about $20,000 more a year than I do, but that is only because he has been working longer than I have.
Even though so many things seem to be working and I really love him, my family members insist that I should be with a man my own age.
What do you think?
An Old Soul
Dear An Old Soul ~
Numerous studies have found that two gay men with age differences of 15 or 20 years can have very stable & long-lasting relationships. Also, I’ve known lots of fulfilled couples with the kind of age gap you’ve described.
As long as the two of you are happy with this arrangement, I see no reason for concern. Just try not to be such an “old soul” that you’re no longer young enough for him!
Rodger
Saturday, November 22, 2008
When Being Comfortable Means Being Gross
Dear Rodger:
For the first time in my life, I am living with a BF. This is great, mostly. The trouble is that we are now in the stage where we no longer feel a need to impress each other, so we can be totally comfortable with each other. For me, that means no longer wearing makeup when it is just the two of us but just go natural. I get the feeling he wants me to wear makeup but he hasn’t said that directly. For my BF it means he typically doesn’t shower for 48 hours—sometimes even 72! I’m OK with him not shaving, but not showering means he has terrible BO that completely turns me off, especially when he wants to have sex. What do I do?
Natural but Clean
Dear Natural but Clean~
The two of you need to talk about how comfortable is too comfortable.
My suggestion is that you broach the subject in terms of your own uncertainties about your BF’s comfort level with you not wearing makeup. This should open the door to you expressing your desire for him to shower every 24 hours. The downside is that your BF may say he wants you to wear makeup all the time. It then would be for you to decide if you’re willing to do that, but my vote would be that wearing makeup is a whole lot better than having to hold your nose whenever you get too close to the BF.
Rodger
For the first time in my life, I am living with a BF. This is great, mostly. The trouble is that we are now in the stage where we no longer feel a need to impress each other, so we can be totally comfortable with each other. For me, that means no longer wearing makeup when it is just the two of us but just go natural. I get the feeling he wants me to wear makeup but he hasn’t said that directly. For my BF it means he typically doesn’t shower for 48 hours—sometimes even 72! I’m OK with him not shaving, but not showering means he has terrible BO that completely turns me off, especially when he wants to have sex. What do I do?
Natural but Clean
Dear Natural but Clean~
The two of you need to talk about how comfortable is too comfortable.
My suggestion is that you broach the subject in terms of your own uncertainties about your BF’s comfort level with you not wearing makeup. This should open the door to you expressing your desire for him to shower every 24 hours. The downside is that your BF may say he wants you to wear makeup all the time. It then would be for you to decide if you’re willing to do that, but my vote would be that wearing makeup is a whole lot better than having to hold your nose whenever you get too close to the BF.
Rodger
Friday, November 21, 2008
Is a Hair Transplant a Career Must?
Dear Rodge—
My fiancé and I decided to get married nine months ago. I told him at the time that I have always dreamed of having a diamond ring and he promised he would give me one—as soon as he saved enough money. That seemed reasonable at the time, but now he is spending $8,000 on a hair transplant. When I said “I thought you were saving your money to buy me a diamond” he said “I am, but I have to get a hair transplant or else I won’t be able to advance in my career.” Career! The guy is not a movie star or even a salesman, he is a supervisor for construction workers and wears a hardhat most of the time! So my question is: Is he commitment phobic and is his real point in not buying me a ring his way of delaying the wedding?
Ringless
Dear Ringless ~
I suggest you change your name from “Ringless” to “Clueless.”
The issue I see in your description is not about his commitment to marrying you but his commitment to fulfilling a promise he made to you.
I suggest that you point out that $8,000 is more than enough to pay for a decent-sized diamond & that fulfilling a promise is much higher on your list of values than is vanity.
Before you make that strong statement, however, you need to ask yourself the question: Am I willing to end the relationship because of this issue?
And, again, the core issue doesn’t revolve around the ring but the promise.
Rodger
My fiancé and I decided to get married nine months ago. I told him at the time that I have always dreamed of having a diamond ring and he promised he would give me one—as soon as he saved enough money. That seemed reasonable at the time, but now he is spending $8,000 on a hair transplant. When I said “I thought you were saving your money to buy me a diamond” he said “I am, but I have to get a hair transplant or else I won’t be able to advance in my career.” Career! The guy is not a movie star or even a salesman, he is a supervisor for construction workers and wears a hardhat most of the time! So my question is: Is he commitment phobic and is his real point in not buying me a ring his way of delaying the wedding?
Ringless
Dear Ringless ~
I suggest you change your name from “Ringless” to “Clueless.”
The issue I see in your description is not about his commitment to marrying you but his commitment to fulfilling a promise he made to you.
I suggest that you point out that $8,000 is more than enough to pay for a decent-sized diamond & that fulfilling a promise is much higher on your list of values than is vanity.
Before you make that strong statement, however, you need to ask yourself the question: Am I willing to end the relationship because of this issue?
And, again, the core issue doesn’t revolve around the ring but the promise.
Rodger
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Talking Dirty during Sex
Rodger:
My BF and I have an excellent sex life. He is very attentive and very responsive, as am I. My one disappointment is that I keep asking him to talk dirty to me during sex, but he keeps refusing. I think dirty talk is fun, and it really turns me on. Should I keep demanding that he talk dirty to me because I like it?
Nasty Boy
Dear Nasty Boy ~
Talking dirty is a skill, just like . . . oh, I don’t know, . . .dancing the jitterbug while wearing 4-inch heels. Some people can do it, many of us can’t.
And from what I hear, talking dirty is one skill that most gay men don’t possess. Indeed, most gay porn stars don’t even make the grade, which is why 85 percent of gay male porn fans hit the mute button rather than listening to the big boys talk.
So, if you & your BF have what you describe as “excellent” sex, I suggest you drop your request that he talk dirty to you & bask in his other sexual talents instead.
Rodger
My BF and I have an excellent sex life. He is very attentive and very responsive, as am I. My one disappointment is that I keep asking him to talk dirty to me during sex, but he keeps refusing. I think dirty talk is fun, and it really turns me on. Should I keep demanding that he talk dirty to me because I like it?
Nasty Boy
Dear Nasty Boy ~
Talking dirty is a skill, just like . . . oh, I don’t know, . . .dancing the jitterbug while wearing 4-inch heels. Some people can do it, many of us can’t.
And from what I hear, talking dirty is one skill that most gay men don’t possess. Indeed, most gay porn stars don’t even make the grade, which is why 85 percent of gay male porn fans hit the mute button rather than listening to the big boys talk.
So, if you & your BF have what you describe as “excellent” sex, I suggest you drop your request that he talk dirty to you & bask in his other sexual talents instead.
Rodger
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Getting Dizzy from Multiple Dating
Dear Rodger—
I am 28 and have been married and divorced twice. Because my friends tell me that I got too serious too fast with my two exes because I married both of them after knowing them five months and seven months, I am now trying to date multiple guys at the same time so I will not get too serious with any one of them too fast. Right now I am dating three guys, but I am feeling very guilty about it. I have told all three that I am dating other guys, but I keep slipping up and getting things wrong about which one has the alcoholic grandmother and which one changed his major from Spanish to chemistry when he was a sophomore in college and details like this. What is the secret to dating multiple guys?
Dizzy Dater
Dear Dizzy Dater ~
It sounds to me like the secret to dating multiple guys, at least for you, is: Don’t do it!
As an alternative approach, how about if you date one guy at a time but commit yourself to not marrying anyone until you’ve dated him for an absolute minimum of one year.
Rodger
I am 28 and have been married and divorced twice. Because my friends tell me that I got too serious too fast with my two exes because I married both of them after knowing them five months and seven months, I am now trying to date multiple guys at the same time so I will not get too serious with any one of them too fast. Right now I am dating three guys, but I am feeling very guilty about it. I have told all three that I am dating other guys, but I keep slipping up and getting things wrong about which one has the alcoholic grandmother and which one changed his major from Spanish to chemistry when he was a sophomore in college and details like this. What is the secret to dating multiple guys?
Dizzy Dater
Dear Dizzy Dater ~
It sounds to me like the secret to dating multiple guys, at least for you, is: Don’t do it!
As an alternative approach, how about if you date one guy at a time but commit yourself to not marrying anyone until you’ve dated him for an absolute minimum of one year.
Rodger
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Where to Find a Husband
Dear Rodger:
I will graduate from college this spring. I am embarrassed to say what I am now going to say because I know how it will sound, but my primary concern about the next step in my life is where I should move so I can find a husband.
My degree is in secondary education so I can get a job anywhere so I would like to move to a city where the chances of finding a husband are excellent. Where should I go?
Looking for a Husband
Dear Looking for a Husband ~
This is a difficult letter for me to respond to. The problem isn’t that I don’t have an answer but that it’s tough to type while rolling my eyes, saying, “tsk, tsk, tsk” & screaming “This girl belongs in the 1950s!” all at the same time.
That being said, my answer is a simple one: “Go west, young woman.”
That is, the U.S. Census Bureau’s most recent info on the subject of which cities have more single men than single women (specifically, the American Community Survey, released in 2006) points to several cities in the West or Southwest.
Los Angeles, for example, is listed as having 90,000 more single men than single women. Other top contenders are Phoenix & San Francisco, both listed as having 65,000 more single men than single women. Three more possibilities are San Diego, Dallas & Seattle, which all have substantially more unattached men than unattached women.
I can’t finish this response, though, without adding that the Census folks don’t get into how many of these single men are of the ho-ho variety, so I’m guessing Los Angeles & San Francisco might not have as many hetero boys as the figures suggest.
Rodger
I will graduate from college this spring. I am embarrassed to say what I am now going to say because I know how it will sound, but my primary concern about the next step in my life is where I should move so I can find a husband.
My degree is in secondary education so I can get a job anywhere so I would like to move to a city where the chances of finding a husband are excellent. Where should I go?
Looking for a Husband
Dear Looking for a Husband ~
This is a difficult letter for me to respond to. The problem isn’t that I don’t have an answer but that it’s tough to type while rolling my eyes, saying, “tsk, tsk, tsk” & screaming “This girl belongs in the 1950s!” all at the same time.
That being said, my answer is a simple one: “Go west, young woman.”
That is, the U.S. Census Bureau’s most recent info on the subject of which cities have more single men than single women (specifically, the American Community Survey, released in 2006) points to several cities in the West or Southwest.
Los Angeles, for example, is listed as having 90,000 more single men than single women. Other top contenders are Phoenix & San Francisco, both listed as having 65,000 more single men than single women. Three more possibilities are San Diego, Dallas & Seattle, which all have substantially more unattached men than unattached women.
I can’t finish this response, though, without adding that the Census folks don’t get into how many of these single men are of the ho-ho variety, so I’m guessing Los Angeles & San Francisco might not have as many hetero boys as the figures suggest.
Rodger
Monday, November 17, 2008
Lifetime Values vs. Momentary Pleasures
Rodger—
I married my husband three months ago because we share the same values and I knew he would make a good husband and a good father, conclusions I came to after we had dated for three years. But now I met this new guy at work who I have great chemistry with. From his first day on the job a month ago, we just clicked (in a way my husband and I never did) because we like the same TV shows and the same restaurants where we go for lunch (not just me and him, a group of us from the office). My husband and I do not like the same shows and rarely both like the same restaurant. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? And if I did, what do I do now?
Questioning Newlywed
Dear Questioning Newlywed ~
Let me make sure I’ve got this right.
You spent three years getting to know a man so well that you made a lifetime commitment to him because you & he share the same values . . . but you’re now thinking about kicking him to the curb, a mere three months after marrying him, because you’ve run into a guy who likes the same TV shows & lunch spots as you do?
Either you’re not listening to yourself or you’re another of my readers who ate an extra bowl full of stupid for breakfast this morning!
In case you're not clear on my advice: Stick with your husband & your commitment.
Rodger
I married my husband three months ago because we share the same values and I knew he would make a good husband and a good father, conclusions I came to after we had dated for three years. But now I met this new guy at work who I have great chemistry with. From his first day on the job a month ago, we just clicked (in a way my husband and I never did) because we like the same TV shows and the same restaurants where we go for lunch (not just me and him, a group of us from the office). My husband and I do not like the same shows and rarely both like the same restaurant. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? And if I did, what do I do now?
Questioning Newlywed
Dear Questioning Newlywed ~
Let me make sure I’ve got this right.
You spent three years getting to know a man so well that you made a lifetime commitment to him because you & he share the same values . . . but you’re now thinking about kicking him to the curb, a mere three months after marrying him, because you’ve run into a guy who likes the same TV shows & lunch spots as you do?
Either you’re not listening to yourself or you’re another of my readers who ate an extra bowl full of stupid for breakfast this morning!
In case you're not clear on my advice: Stick with your husband & your commitment.
Rodger
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Get Your Parents on the Line
Rodge,
My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I don’t have a steady income. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with girlfriends. On two nights I have met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I didn’t call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them that there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop now while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?
No Home of My Own
Dear No Home of My Own ~
Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. And this is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as your parents will be understandably worried until you assure them that you’re OK.
As for calling to tell them your plans, there’s no reason why you have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call would be a wise safety precaution, just in case the guy is, you know, an ax murderer.
Rodger
My parents and I are very angry with each other. I live at home because my job was eliminated so I don’t have a steady income. I get so depressed that I often go out at night with girlfriends. On two nights I have met a guy and spent the night with him. When I get home the next morning, my parents tear into me because I didn’t call them to tell them I was staying out all night. I scream back at them that there was no way I was going to tell the guy “We have to stop now while I call my parents and ask them if I can stay out tonight.” Which of us is right, me or my parents?
No Home of My Own
Dear No Home of My Own ~
Your parents. As long as you’re living under their roof, you have to live by their rules. And this is definitely true in the instance you’ve described, as your parents will be understandably worried until you assure them that you’re OK.
As for calling to tell them your plans, there’s no reason why you have to tell the guy that you’re calling your parents. Just say you have to make a call, which he’ll probably interpret as a call to your roommate. Besides, making such a call would be a wise safety precaution, just in case the guy is, you know, an ax murderer.
Rodger
Saturday, November 15, 2008
When Your SO Is Lousy at Giving Gifts
Dear Rodger:
My SO has a whole lot going for him, but the one occasion when I cringe is that moment when I unwrap a birthday or Christmas gift from him. The guy sucks when it comes to choosing gifts. It is not that he is cheap as he is very generous in how much he spends. But he ends up either giving me something to use in the kitchen, which I hate because I consider a mixer or waffle iron a utilitarian item that I could buy myself if I needed it, or an item of clothing that is not in keeping with my style so I have to take it back to the store and I feel guilty about doing that. Answer please?
Reluctant Unwrapper
Dear Reluctant Unwrapper ~
How about creating your own gift registry?
In these days of on-line shopping, you could go to, for example, the Nordstrom site & find items of clothing that you like & then give him a list.
Besides, since your SO is so generous, you can place really, really expensive items on your list—not for your own benefit, of course, but to give him the added pleasure of . . . OK, yes, totally for your own benefit!
Rodger
My SO has a whole lot going for him, but the one occasion when I cringe is that moment when I unwrap a birthday or Christmas gift from him. The guy sucks when it comes to choosing gifts. It is not that he is cheap as he is very generous in how much he spends. But he ends up either giving me something to use in the kitchen, which I hate because I consider a mixer or waffle iron a utilitarian item that I could buy myself if I needed it, or an item of clothing that is not in keeping with my style so I have to take it back to the store and I feel guilty about doing that. Answer please?
Reluctant Unwrapper
Dear Reluctant Unwrapper ~
How about creating your own gift registry?
In these days of on-line shopping, you could go to, for example, the Nordstrom site & find items of clothing that you like & then give him a list.
Besides, since your SO is so generous, you can place really, really expensive items on your list—not for your own benefit, of course, but to give him the added pleasure of . . . OK, yes, totally for your own benefit!
Rodger
Friday, November 14, 2008
Pressure to Get Engaged
Dear Rodger:
My GF (of a little more than a year) and I love each other. I just bought a large condo and her lease is up in three months. I have asked her to move in with me when her lease is up, but she says she won’t do that unless we get engaged and set a date for the wedding within no more than a year of the engagement. I say that I can definitely see marriage to her down the road at some point but not that soon. Am I being too stubborn?
Not Ready Just Yet
Dear Not Ready Just Yet ~
The real issue here seems to be whether you & your GF should allow her lease to determine the course of your lives. I’ll go with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.
If her lease expires & you decide you’re not ready to become engaged, she can decide either to continue the relationship or to end it. As for the lease, well, it can decide whether to . . . NO! . . . I am happy to give advice to letter writers, but not to leases.
Rodger
My GF (of a little more than a year) and I love each other. I just bought a large condo and her lease is up in three months. I have asked her to move in with me when her lease is up, but she says she won’t do that unless we get engaged and set a date for the wedding within no more than a year of the engagement. I say that I can definitely see marriage to her down the road at some point but not that soon. Am I being too stubborn?
Not Ready Just Yet
Dear Not Ready Just Yet ~
The real issue here seems to be whether you & your GF should allow her lease to determine the course of your lives. I’ll go with a big fat N followed by a big fat O.
If her lease expires & you decide you’re not ready to become engaged, she can decide either to continue the relationship or to end it. As for the lease, well, it can decide whether to . . . NO! . . . I am happy to give advice to letter writers, but not to leases.
Rodger
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What Is Too Young?
Dear Rodger,
I have found the man of my dreams. We have been in a monogamous relationship for two years, we still get a thrill every time we get together and we are never disappointed in the other person. We have had a few disagreements but have always talked things through before we have gone to bed that night.
The trouble is that I am 20, he is 21. Our parents and most everyone we know say we are too young for marriage. We will both graduate from college this spring and we want to get married in the summer. We have not lived together yet because we both depend on our parents financially and they do not want us to live together. Are we too young?
In Love but Young
Dear In Love but Young ~
Considering all the people who are struggling to find someone they love & want to share their life with, you first should congratulate yourselves for finding each other.
I suppose it’s now time for me to stop stalling & give you a response.
The issue isn’t a question of youth but of maturity. If the two of you have already had disagreements & have worked through them, it sounds like you may have passed the litmus test vis-à-vis maturity.
That still sounds like stalling on my part, doesn’t it?
Based on my many years as a college professor who’s observed young people beginning their lives as adults, two major pieces that have to fall into place to achieve contentment are finding a career path & a location that you like. And so, I urge you to wait until both of you are settled into jobs & are living somewhere you like. The chances are good that you’ll have taken both of those steps by a year from now.
More stalling on my part, you say?
OK fine. Here’s the deal: Graduate. Find jobs. Live together for a year. If your feelings for each other are as strong then as they are today, book the wedding.
Rodger
I have found the man of my dreams. We have been in a monogamous relationship for two years, we still get a thrill every time we get together and we are never disappointed in the other person. We have had a few disagreements but have always talked things through before we have gone to bed that night.
The trouble is that I am 20, he is 21. Our parents and most everyone we know say we are too young for marriage. We will both graduate from college this spring and we want to get married in the summer. We have not lived together yet because we both depend on our parents financially and they do not want us to live together. Are we too young?
In Love but Young
Dear In Love but Young ~
Considering all the people who are struggling to find someone they love & want to share their life with, you first should congratulate yourselves for finding each other.
I suppose it’s now time for me to stop stalling & give you a response.
The issue isn’t a question of youth but of maturity. If the two of you have already had disagreements & have worked through them, it sounds like you may have passed the litmus test vis-à-vis maturity.
That still sounds like stalling on my part, doesn’t it?
Based on my many years as a college professor who’s observed young people beginning their lives as adults, two major pieces that have to fall into place to achieve contentment are finding a career path & a location that you like. And so, I urge you to wait until both of you are settled into jobs & are living somewhere you like. The chances are good that you’ll have taken both of those steps by a year from now.
More stalling on my part, you say?
OK fine. Here’s the deal: Graduate. Find jobs. Live together for a year. If your feelings for each other are as strong then as they are today, book the wedding.
Rodger
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Intelligence Gap
Dear Rodger:
My boyfriend recently asked me after two years of dating, one year of which we have lived together, to marry him. We are very compatible or we would not have succeeded together this long. The one detail that continues to grate on me, though, is that I earned my master’s from one of the most prestigious colleges in the country while he earned his from a state school that is no higher than the third tier of educational institutions. This intelligence gap between us has not, up to this point, caused any major problems between us, but I am afraid that it eventually might. Is this a deal breaker?
Girl with a High IQ
Dear Girl with a High IQ ~
Responding to your letter is causing me a great deal of anxiety. My concern isn’t that I don’t have an answer for you but that I fear if I keep writing I’m going to make a grammatical error & then you’ll figure out that I got my master’s from a state school & stop reading my response.
So I’ll just try to finish up real quick (or should that be quickly?) & say: Quit being a diploma snob & marry the guy before he dumps you for being so elitist.
Rodger
My boyfriend recently asked me after two years of dating, one year of which we have lived together, to marry him. We are very compatible or we would not have succeeded together this long. The one detail that continues to grate on me, though, is that I earned my master’s from one of the most prestigious colleges in the country while he earned his from a state school that is no higher than the third tier of educational institutions. This intelligence gap between us has not, up to this point, caused any major problems between us, but I am afraid that it eventually might. Is this a deal breaker?
Girl with a High IQ
Dear Girl with a High IQ ~
Responding to your letter is causing me a great deal of anxiety. My concern isn’t that I don’t have an answer for you but that I fear if I keep writing I’m going to make a grammatical error & then you’ll figure out that I got my master’s from a state school & stop reading my response.
So I’ll just try to finish up real quick (or should that be quickly?) & say: Quit being a diploma snob & marry the guy before he dumps you for being so elitist.
Rodger
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Difference between "Can't" & "Won't"
Dear Rodger:
My BF and I have been together for over a year. The beginning was great but then he started grad school at night. Now I want to move the relationship to the next level but we still only see each other on the weekend because he has a demanding job during the day and goes to class two nights a week and studies the other nights. I feel resentful because he won’t give me any more of his time and energy but he says he can’t give me any more than after work and school. Is it time to end this one-sided relationship?
Wanting More
Dear Wanting More ~
Your first step is to decide which of the following two sentences is accurate:
My boyfriend WON’T give me any more of his time & energy.
My boyfriend CAN’T give me any more of his time & energy.
If the accurate statement is the first one (he could make more room for you in his life but has made the decision to relegate you to just one little corner), you have every right to question whether it’s time to end the relationship.
If the accurate statement is the second one (because of the understandable career priorities in his life, he simply doesn’t have any more time to give the relationship right now), stop torturing yourself & accept that.
My final thought is that if you decide the second description is the accurate one, you could show your support by offering to go out of your way to see him by, for example, going to his work location & taking him to lunch one day each week.
Rodger
My BF and I have been together for over a year. The beginning was great but then he started grad school at night. Now I want to move the relationship to the next level but we still only see each other on the weekend because he has a demanding job during the day and goes to class two nights a week and studies the other nights. I feel resentful because he won’t give me any more of his time and energy but he says he can’t give me any more than after work and school. Is it time to end this one-sided relationship?
Wanting More
Dear Wanting More ~
Your first step is to decide which of the following two sentences is accurate:
My boyfriend WON’T give me any more of his time & energy.
My boyfriend CAN’T give me any more of his time & energy.
If the accurate statement is the first one (he could make more room for you in his life but has made the decision to relegate you to just one little corner), you have every right to question whether it’s time to end the relationship.
If the accurate statement is the second one (because of the understandable career priorities in his life, he simply doesn’t have any more time to give the relationship right now), stop torturing yourself & accept that.
My final thought is that if you decide the second description is the accurate one, you could show your support by offering to go out of your way to see him by, for example, going to his work location & taking him to lunch one day each week.
Rodger
Monday, November 10, 2008
Costumes as a Turn-on
Dear Rodger:
I am a 28-year-old gay man who is dating a 42-year-old gay man. We have been dating for only two months but I think he could be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with for various reasons.
The one reason why I am not sure about him is that he keeps asking me to dress up in a costume when we have sex. Well, not exactly a costume but a policeman’s hat and billy club. I keep laughing this off when he asks me because I have never done anything like this. In the back of my mind I think he sees me as some little boy toy because of our age difference and wants to dress me up like some little baby doll.
Reluctant Policeman
Dear Reluctant Policeman ~
I was very tempted to begin this letter with the greeting “Dear Overthinker.”
That is, while no one should ever agree to perform a sex act that he or she isn’t comfortable performing, I can’t see the harm in putting on a police officer’s hat & holding onto a billy club. (I’ll admit, though, that my answer may be influenced by the fact that my last anniversary gift to Tom was a fireman’s hat—love ya, Tombo!)
As for your fears that your BF is trying to turn you into a boy toy, if all you have to go on is this one request, I’ll put on my judge’s robe & slam down my gavel as I rule: “Insufficient evidence. Case dismissed.”
Rodger
I am a 28-year-old gay man who is dating a 42-year-old gay man. We have been dating for only two months but I think he could be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with for various reasons.
The one reason why I am not sure about him is that he keeps asking me to dress up in a costume when we have sex. Well, not exactly a costume but a policeman’s hat and billy club. I keep laughing this off when he asks me because I have never done anything like this. In the back of my mind I think he sees me as some little boy toy because of our age difference and wants to dress me up like some little baby doll.
Reluctant Policeman
Dear Reluctant Policeman ~
I was very tempted to begin this letter with the greeting “Dear Overthinker.”
That is, while no one should ever agree to perform a sex act that he or she isn’t comfortable performing, I can’t see the harm in putting on a police officer’s hat & holding onto a billy club. (I’ll admit, though, that my answer may be influenced by the fact that my last anniversary gift to Tom was a fireman’s hat—love ya, Tombo!)
As for your fears that your BF is trying to turn you into a boy toy, if all you have to go on is this one request, I’ll put on my judge’s robe & slam down my gavel as I rule: “Insufficient evidence. Case dismissed.”
Rodger
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Is It Wrong to Be Going Nowhere?
Dear Rodger—
I am dating a guy that I like being with on dates but that I cannot possibly see spending my life with. He has far too little ambition and has no interest in gaining the additional education that he needs to progress in his field of social work. We both like going to movies and would rather go with someone else than by ourselves because this way we have someone to talk about the movie with afterward. My career is much, much further along than his is and yet I do not seem to want to end the relationship and find someone else right now because it would take too much energy. Is it wrong of me to continue to date someone I do not see a future with?
32 and Unsure
Dear 32 and Unsure ~
There’s nothing wrong with dating a guy who you don’t see as being The One. As long as the two of you enjoy each other’s company, that’s fine. Who knows, maybe you’ll even inspire the guy to go back to school & get that education you’re so sure he needs.
One thing that would be wrong, though, is promising the guy—or even subtly leading him to believe—that the two of you have a future together, as in the Big M.
But as long as there have been no such promises & are no such expectations, keep enjoying your time together for however long it continues to feel good.
Rodger
I am dating a guy that I like being with on dates but that I cannot possibly see spending my life with. He has far too little ambition and has no interest in gaining the additional education that he needs to progress in his field of social work. We both like going to movies and would rather go with someone else than by ourselves because this way we have someone to talk about the movie with afterward. My career is much, much further along than his is and yet I do not seem to want to end the relationship and find someone else right now because it would take too much energy. Is it wrong of me to continue to date someone I do not see a future with?
32 and Unsure
Dear 32 and Unsure ~
There’s nothing wrong with dating a guy who you don’t see as being The One. As long as the two of you enjoy each other’s company, that’s fine. Who knows, maybe you’ll even inspire the guy to go back to school & get that education you’re so sure he needs.
One thing that would be wrong, though, is promising the guy—or even subtly leading him to believe—that the two of you have a future together, as in the Big M.
But as long as there have been no such promises & are no such expectations, keep enjoying your time together for however long it continues to feel good.
Rodger
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When Your Man Is Too Pretty
Rodger:
My fiancé is a handsome man with a wonderful body. I get very irritated when other women and gay men leer at him. He never leads any of these people on, he just politely turns away when one of them tries to engage him in conversation or find an excuse to touch him. Short of hanging a sign around his neck that says “Taken” how can I get these droves of men and women to stop or at least get myself to stop being irritated. Sometimes it makes me so angry when this happens at a party or a dinner that my entire evening is ruined by my anger inside.
Engaged to a Hunk
Dear Engaged to a Hunk ~
So you’re engaged to a man who is so attractive that he transforms admiring gay men & straight women into fools who throw themselves at him . . . & you expect to get sympathy out of me? (You clearly don’t know much about gay men!)
Now that I’ve gotten my snarky comment out of the way, I’ll try to say something helpful.
As with virtually every reaction we have to some stimulus, you either have to accept yours as something you cannot change or have the courage to change it.
My belief is that your particular “burden” falls into the second category. So, suck it up & accept that others are going to continue to admire your fiancé. While sucking it up, remind yourself how fortunate you are that he doesn’t respond to those admirers but deals with them with a level of maturity that you need to emulate.
Rodger
My fiancé is a handsome man with a wonderful body. I get very irritated when other women and gay men leer at him. He never leads any of these people on, he just politely turns away when one of them tries to engage him in conversation or find an excuse to touch him. Short of hanging a sign around his neck that says “Taken” how can I get these droves of men and women to stop or at least get myself to stop being irritated. Sometimes it makes me so angry when this happens at a party or a dinner that my entire evening is ruined by my anger inside.
Engaged to a Hunk
Dear Engaged to a Hunk ~
So you’re engaged to a man who is so attractive that he transforms admiring gay men & straight women into fools who throw themselves at him . . . & you expect to get sympathy out of me? (You clearly don’t know much about gay men!)
Now that I’ve gotten my snarky comment out of the way, I’ll try to say something helpful.
As with virtually every reaction we have to some stimulus, you either have to accept yours as something you cannot change or have the courage to change it.
My belief is that your particular “burden” falls into the second category. So, suck it up & accept that others are going to continue to admire your fiancé. While sucking it up, remind yourself how fortunate you are that he doesn’t respond to those admirers but deals with them with a level of maturity that you need to emulate.
Rodger
Friday, November 7, 2008
Can a SO Be Your Everything?
Dear Rodger—
My BF thinks it’s weird that I don’t have any close girlfriends. I had several when I was in college but now I find it so hard to keep up with the job and the relationship and maintaining contact with my family. I don’t have the time or energy left to maintain close friendships too but my BF insists that some of the stuff I want to talk to him about would be better talked about with close girlfriends, especially things about celebrities I read about in the tabloids and want to gossip with somebody about. Is he right, am I weird?
Girl with Too Much to Say
Dear Girl with Too Much to Say ~
The question isn’t if you're weird. The question is if your babbling about celebrity gossip is annoying your BF to the point that it’s an issue. Sounds like it is.
Two options come to mind.
One is that your BF accepts the fact that one of a SO’s roles is at least to act like he/she is listening to the other person’s mindless babble. In my 25+ years with Tom, I’ve certainly listened to my share (the mere mention of the word “England” pushes a button in Tom that causes him to drone on & on about British royalty from some ancient century involving Edward I & Charles the II & Henry the Who Gives a Rat’s Ass—sorry Tombo, love ya!).
The second option is that you get involved in some Internet social-networking community that’s interested in celebrity gossip. That way, you can develop some virtual girlfriends who demand far less care & feeding than real ones . . . while not annoying your BF.
Rodger
My BF thinks it’s weird that I don’t have any close girlfriends. I had several when I was in college but now I find it so hard to keep up with the job and the relationship and maintaining contact with my family. I don’t have the time or energy left to maintain close friendships too but my BF insists that some of the stuff I want to talk to him about would be better talked about with close girlfriends, especially things about celebrities I read about in the tabloids and want to gossip with somebody about. Is he right, am I weird?
Girl with Too Much to Say
Dear Girl with Too Much to Say ~
The question isn’t if you're weird. The question is if your babbling about celebrity gossip is annoying your BF to the point that it’s an issue. Sounds like it is.
Two options come to mind.
One is that your BF accepts the fact that one of a SO’s roles is at least to act like he/she is listening to the other person’s mindless babble. In my 25+ years with Tom, I’ve certainly listened to my share (the mere mention of the word “England” pushes a button in Tom that causes him to drone on & on about British royalty from some ancient century involving Edward I & Charles the II & Henry the Who Gives a Rat’s Ass—sorry Tombo, love ya!).
The second option is that you get involved in some Internet social-networking community that’s interested in celebrity gossip. That way, you can develop some virtual girlfriends who demand far less care & feeding than real ones . . . while not annoying your BF.
Rodger
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Relationships & Stepchildren
Dear Rodger:
My fiance has two children from a previous marriage. They spend every second weekend with us, which is fine. I am glad he includes his children in his life, and I get along well with them when they are with us.
The problem is that the children’s mother insists that they eat nothing but organic food, which means our food bill skyrockets when they are with us. We have to spend twice as much money as usual because we have to buy things like that ridiculously expensive kind of salmon. My fiance and I split our household expenses, so I resent spending that money on food when otherwise we could spend it on us going out.
I have mentioned my irritation to my fiance but he says this is the way it is. I say his ex should not be able to dictate what the children eat when they are with us but he says she is the custodial parent and has that right.
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle ~
I try hard to empathize with people who send me letters, but I admit that your letter has taken me beyond the pale. If you had said that you & your fiance can’t afford to pay the higher cost of food when the kids come, my answer may have been different, but that’s not the case.
So, I agree with your fiance: Suck it up & accept the realities of the situation.
Rodger
My fiance has two children from a previous marriage. They spend every second weekend with us, which is fine. I am glad he includes his children in his life, and I get along well with them when they are with us.
The problem is that the children’s mother insists that they eat nothing but organic food, which means our food bill skyrockets when they are with us. We have to spend twice as much money as usual because we have to buy things like that ridiculously expensive kind of salmon. My fiance and I split our household expenses, so I resent spending that money on food when otherwise we could spend it on us going out.
I have mentioned my irritation to my fiance but he says this is the way it is. I say his ex should not be able to dictate what the children eat when they are with us but he says she is the custodial parent and has that right.
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle ~
I try hard to empathize with people who send me letters, but I admit that your letter has taken me beyond the pale. If you had said that you & your fiance can’t afford to pay the higher cost of food when the kids come, my answer may have been different, but that’s not the case.
So, I agree with your fiance: Suck it up & accept the realities of the situation.
Rodger
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Public Displays of Affection
Rodger –
I have always been a touchy feely type. I am the kind of girl who automatically hugs a friend or coworker when I see them. Sometimes I will gently stroke someone on the back, other times I will rest my hand on the other person’s arm. None of this is in an aggressive or inappropriate way. I am just a toucher.
The problem is that my boyfriend does not like to touch in public. He is fine with cuddling and canoodling, etc. when we are at his place or my place, but if I try to hold hands with him or even touch his arm while we are out to dinner or waiting in line at a movie, he instantly pulls away and sometimes even scowls at me.
My friends tell me I should change my behavior. They like my boyfriend a lot and say that he is so good for me in so many ways that I should adjust to this one little thing. But I am not sure because touching has always been such a big part of me.
Toucher
Dear Toucher ~
In addition to touching your boyfriend, have you ever considered talking to him?
If everything else about your relationship feels right, as you claim, that means you should be able to talk with your boyfriend about what’s bothering you—if you can't talk to him about this, then you’ve got a much bigger problem than different preferences about public displays of affection.
My suggestion is that you tell your boyfriend, calmly but directly, that touching in public is important to you & then ask him if there’s some reason why he prefers not to have contact of that kind. I won’t speculate as to what that reason might be, but maybe there is one. (OK, one suggestion: Maybe he hates the word “canoodling” as much as I do, & therefore doesn’t want to be accused of doing it in public.)
If his reason makes sense to you, maybe you will indeed have to adjust as your friends suggest. But first have the conversation.
Rodger
I have always been a touchy feely type. I am the kind of girl who automatically hugs a friend or coworker when I see them. Sometimes I will gently stroke someone on the back, other times I will rest my hand on the other person’s arm. None of this is in an aggressive or inappropriate way. I am just a toucher.
The problem is that my boyfriend does not like to touch in public. He is fine with cuddling and canoodling, etc. when we are at his place or my place, but if I try to hold hands with him or even touch his arm while we are out to dinner or waiting in line at a movie, he instantly pulls away and sometimes even scowls at me.
My friends tell me I should change my behavior. They like my boyfriend a lot and say that he is so good for me in so many ways that I should adjust to this one little thing. But I am not sure because touching has always been such a big part of me.
Toucher
Dear Toucher ~
In addition to touching your boyfriend, have you ever considered talking to him?
If everything else about your relationship feels right, as you claim, that means you should be able to talk with your boyfriend about what’s bothering you—if you can't talk to him about this, then you’ve got a much bigger problem than different preferences about public displays of affection.
My suggestion is that you tell your boyfriend, calmly but directly, that touching in public is important to you & then ask him if there’s some reason why he prefers not to have contact of that kind. I won’t speculate as to what that reason might be, but maybe there is one. (OK, one suggestion: Maybe he hates the word “canoodling” as much as I do, & therefore doesn’t want to be accused of doing it in public.)
If his reason makes sense to you, maybe you will indeed have to adjust as your friends suggest. But first have the conversation.
Rodger
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
When Baby Comes before the Wedding
Dear Rodger,
My fiancé and I have made the arrangements for our wedding. We reserved a church for the ceremony and a hotel for the reception, we hired a DJ, we hired a photographer and a videographer, we ordered the flowers and we ordered the cake. Everything is set for 14 months from now. But I have just learned I am 2 months pregnant.
We very much want to have the baby, but we have already paid deposits for all these things totaling something like $10,000, plus we have hired all these people like the photographer who turned down other couples who wanted to hire him for the day of our wedding.
Now What?
Dear Now What? ~
Lucky you!
Not only have you found each other—something that millions of people never succeed in doing—but the two of you are also having a baby you want & you will love—something that millions more people only dream of.
My advice is that you have a civil ceremony tout suite & have your baby on schedule. Then turn your planned wedding into a big-ass celebration of . . . well, your good fortune both on finding each other & on welcoming your child into the world!
Rodger
My fiancé and I have made the arrangements for our wedding. We reserved a church for the ceremony and a hotel for the reception, we hired a DJ, we hired a photographer and a videographer, we ordered the flowers and we ordered the cake. Everything is set for 14 months from now. But I have just learned I am 2 months pregnant.
We very much want to have the baby, but we have already paid deposits for all these things totaling something like $10,000, plus we have hired all these people like the photographer who turned down other couples who wanted to hire him for the day of our wedding.
Now What?
Dear Now What? ~
Lucky you!
Not only have you found each other—something that millions of people never succeed in doing—but the two of you are also having a baby you want & you will love—something that millions more people only dream of.
My advice is that you have a civil ceremony tout suite & have your baby on schedule. Then turn your planned wedding into a big-ass celebration of . . . well, your good fortune both on finding each other & on welcoming your child into the world!
Rodger
Monday, November 3, 2008
Spouse vs. Parents
Dear Rodger:
My husband has been having a hard time getting the kind of job he deserves to have. He has a master’s degree in human resources so he has the credentials that are required for a responsible job in that field. He has sent out a bunch of resumes, though, but has not been successful. So right now he is working at Starbucks.
This situation is fine with me because I know he is trying and it isn’t like he is staying at home eating Doritos while I work. He and I have talked about his job hunting strategy and I agree with it.
My parents have a very different take. They don’t say anything to him, but they are constantly telling me that he needs to try harder to find a better job. They say he should quit Starbucks and devote all his time to finding a real job. I tell them that he is applying for jobs and I support his strategy but they keep complaining to me about him.
I am very tired of hearing my parents complain about the man I love when I think he is doing the best he can. Am I doing the right thing?
Trying to do the right thing
Dear Trying to do the right thing ~
You are right on two counts & wrong on one. You are right to have talked with your husband about a job-hunting strategy, & you are right to support him in that strategy.
You are wrong, however, in continuing to listen to your parents complain about your husband. You need to remind them that you agree with what your husband is doing. Then you need to stop listening to them. That means that if they start complaining, tell them you’re not willing to listen to them. If they keep talking, tell them you’re either walking away (if you’re with them) or you’re hanging up (if you’re on the phone with them).
You & your husband are going through a difficult time. You will face more challenges in your marriage, & you need to talk to each other & then support each other—this time as well as in the future.
Rodger
My husband has been having a hard time getting the kind of job he deserves to have. He has a master’s degree in human resources so he has the credentials that are required for a responsible job in that field. He has sent out a bunch of resumes, though, but has not been successful. So right now he is working at Starbucks.
This situation is fine with me because I know he is trying and it isn’t like he is staying at home eating Doritos while I work. He and I have talked about his job hunting strategy and I agree with it.
My parents have a very different take. They don’t say anything to him, but they are constantly telling me that he needs to try harder to find a better job. They say he should quit Starbucks and devote all his time to finding a real job. I tell them that he is applying for jobs and I support his strategy but they keep complaining to me about him.
I am very tired of hearing my parents complain about the man I love when I think he is doing the best he can. Am I doing the right thing?
Trying to do the right thing
Dear Trying to do the right thing ~
You are right on two counts & wrong on one. You are right to have talked with your husband about a job-hunting strategy, & you are right to support him in that strategy.
You are wrong, however, in continuing to listen to your parents complain about your husband. You need to remind them that you agree with what your husband is doing. Then you need to stop listening to them. That means that if they start complaining, tell them you’re not willing to listen to them. If they keep talking, tell them you’re either walking away (if you’re with them) or you’re hanging up (if you’re on the phone with them).
You & your husband are going through a difficult time. You will face more challenges in your marriage, & you need to talk to each other & then support each other—this time as well as in the future.
Rodger
Sunday, November 2, 2008
How Do You Know if Mr. Right Is Mr. Yours?
Rodger—
I have been dating forever but now I have finally found Mr. Right. We are perfect for each other because we both love to go shopping during the day and dancing at night. The one thing that I need to ask you about is that he talks on the phone every night with his old BF. Should I demand that he stop talking to the old BF so often or is that nagging?
Gay and Happy Too
Dear Gay and Happy Too~
Don’t pee on my leg & tell me it’s raining.
That is, don’t describe how a guy is still involved with his old boyfriend & then tell me he’s your Mr. Right.
If he’s committed to you & your relationship, he should reduce his contact with his “old” boyfriend on his own. It shouldn’t require any demanding on your part.
Rodger
I have been dating forever but now I have finally found Mr. Right. We are perfect for each other because we both love to go shopping during the day and dancing at night. The one thing that I need to ask you about is that he talks on the phone every night with his old BF. Should I demand that he stop talking to the old BF so often or is that nagging?
Gay and Happy Too
Dear Gay and Happy Too~
Don’t pee on my leg & tell me it’s raining.
That is, don’t describe how a guy is still involved with his old boyfriend & then tell me he’s your Mr. Right.
If he’s committed to you & your relationship, he should reduce his contact with his “old” boyfriend on his own. It shouldn’t require any demanding on your part.
Rodger
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Taking a Big Risk
Rodger—
I am a cliché. That is I am a 39-year-old divorced woman who would like to get married. I have gotten serious with a 42-year-old man who I would like to marry and he would like to marry me. The problem is that he has never been married before and my friends all tell me that marrying someone who is that old and has never been married before is taking a big risk because he must be incapable of committing to someone. Are they right?
A Cliché
Dear Cliché ~
Your friends are absolutely right. Marrying someone in his 40s who has never been married before means taking a big risk.
They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who’s already been divorced once is taking a big risk because he might divorce you, too.
They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who is widowed is taking a big risk because you might never come up to the standards of his dead wife.
In other words, there’s a big risk involved in committing to pretty much anyone, regardless of which category the person fits into. If you’re ready to commit & he’s ready to commit & you have no other hesitations except the label he wears, buy yourself a pair of Nikes & then “just do it.”
Rodger
I am a cliché. That is I am a 39-year-old divorced woman who would like to get married. I have gotten serious with a 42-year-old man who I would like to marry and he would like to marry me. The problem is that he has never been married before and my friends all tell me that marrying someone who is that old and has never been married before is taking a big risk because he must be incapable of committing to someone. Are they right?
A Cliché
Dear Cliché ~
Your friends are absolutely right. Marrying someone in his 40s who has never been married before means taking a big risk.
They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who’s already been divorced once is taking a big risk because he might divorce you, too.
They’d also be right if they said marrying someone who is widowed is taking a big risk because you might never come up to the standards of his dead wife.
In other words, there’s a big risk involved in committing to pretty much anyone, regardless of which category the person fits into. If you’re ready to commit & he’s ready to commit & you have no other hesitations except the label he wears, buy yourself a pair of Nikes & then “just do it.”
Rodger
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