Rodger—
I am writing to you because you are a gay guy, and therefore you are the perfect person to ask about my problem with my boyfriend. The problem is that he is very cute in the face but is 20 or so pounds overweight. I have dropped several hints that he should get a gym membership but he never picks up on it. What is it that causes gay men to spend so much time at the gym and how can I get my boyfriend to do the same?
Girl With Too Much Guy
Dear Girl With Too Much Guy ~
The best answer I can come up with to your question about why so many ho-hos go to the gym (even though my answer is likely to get me in trouble with my partner because I go to the gym & he doesn't--love ya, Tom!) comes from an episode of Sex and the City. I don’t remember the quote word for word, but it was something like: “Gay guys go to the gym more than straight guys do because they know that—with all those naked men wandering around—there’s a possibility of having sex while they’re there.”
As for how you can get your non-ho-ho to go to the gym, a couple thoughts come to mind.
One is that you could join a gym, if you don’t go to one already, & then ask him to go with you as a way for the two of you to spend more time together.
Another possibility is that you could give him a one-month gym membership as a gift. Not exactly subtle, but, well, it would get your message across.
Rodger
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Money & Marriage
Dear Rodger:
I have been dating a guy for three years and he recently asked me to marry him. I instantly said yes. This is all the good news.
The bad news is that my parents do not approve of my boyfriend. Their main gripe (actually, their only one) is that he does not make enough money. He works for a non-profit organization, the same as I do. He makes enough money to support himself but there is no way we could both live on his salary if I got pregnant and wanted to give up my job, so my parents say we should wait until he makes enough money to do that.
The big problem is the wedding. I come from an upperclass group of friends who have big weddings. None of my friends has had a wedding for less then $30,000 so that is the minimum for me to spend. My parents say they will not pay for a wedding like that at this time although they will if we wait and get married once my fiance’s salary is higher.
I don’t know what to do. Can you help?
Troubled Bride to Be
Dear Troubled Bride to Be ~
First, you need to congratulate yourself. If you & your fiancé love each other & want to get married, that’s a whole lot to be thankful for.
Second, I don’t see the financial situation you describe as any reason not to move forward with the wedding. As long as you take precautions, there’s no reason you should be parents 10 minutes after you walk down the aisle.
Third, your parents are under no obligation to shell out big bucks for a wedding merely to match those of your friends. Simple & inexpensive weddings are every bit as legal—& every bit as likely to lead to a successful marriage—as elaborate & costly ones are.
Rodger
I have been dating a guy for three years and he recently asked me to marry him. I instantly said yes. This is all the good news.
The bad news is that my parents do not approve of my boyfriend. Their main gripe (actually, their only one) is that he does not make enough money. He works for a non-profit organization, the same as I do. He makes enough money to support himself but there is no way we could both live on his salary if I got pregnant and wanted to give up my job, so my parents say we should wait until he makes enough money to do that.
The big problem is the wedding. I come from an upperclass group of friends who have big weddings. None of my friends has had a wedding for less then $30,000 so that is the minimum for me to spend. My parents say they will not pay for a wedding like that at this time although they will if we wait and get married once my fiance’s salary is higher.
I don’t know what to do. Can you help?
Troubled Bride to Be
Dear Troubled Bride to Be ~
First, you need to congratulate yourself. If you & your fiancé love each other & want to get married, that’s a whole lot to be thankful for.
Second, I don’t see the financial situation you describe as any reason not to move forward with the wedding. As long as you take precautions, there’s no reason you should be parents 10 minutes after you walk down the aisle.
Third, your parents are under no obligation to shell out big bucks for a wedding merely to match those of your friends. Simple & inexpensive weddings are every bit as legal—& every bit as likely to lead to a successful marriage—as elaborate & costly ones are.
Rodger
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Facing the Inevitable
Rodger,
My lover and I have been together for more than two decades. Throughout our ups and downs, good sex and a great dog have often been the glue holding our relationship together. The dog is dying and this hen is finding it harder to perform. How can I keep my rooster from the other chicks?
Hen Ache
Dear Hen Ache ~
If you & your rooster have been together for 20 years, you have an impressive history of success that suggests you should just keep clucking along pretty much the same way you have been in the past.
As for the aging doggie, the pound & the various breed-specific rescue leagues have lots of pooches in need of good homes.
Finally, if you’re finding it harder & harder to perform sexually because of that inevitable aging process, I’m guessing that your rooster is finding it tougher & tougher to keep, ahem, “up” his end of the deal, too.
Rodger
My lover and I have been together for more than two decades. Throughout our ups and downs, good sex and a great dog have often been the glue holding our relationship together. The dog is dying and this hen is finding it harder to perform. How can I keep my rooster from the other chicks?
Hen Ache
Dear Hen Ache ~
If you & your rooster have been together for 20 years, you have an impressive history of success that suggests you should just keep clucking along pretty much the same way you have been in the past.
As for the aging doggie, the pound & the various breed-specific rescue leagues have lots of pooches in need of good homes.
Finally, if you’re finding it harder & harder to perform sexually because of that inevitable aging process, I’m guessing that your rooster is finding it tougher & tougher to keep, ahem, “up” his end of the deal, too.
Rodger
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Money, Money, Money
Dear Rodger,
I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks. During that time, our main dating activity has been going out to dinner. We both work in administrative jobs for similar offices, so I’m guessing we earn about the same amount of money.
The problem is, all six times we have gone out to dinner, I ended up paying every time. What happens is that the waitperson brings the bill and puts it on the table. Either right away or after a little while, Rick reaches for the bill and then I reach for it too. I do this because I don’t want to come across as being cheap. But then Rick always lets go of the bill before I do, so I end up paying.
What has happened to chivalry? When did the tables turn so that the girl always ends up paying the bill?
Tired of Paying
Dear Tired of Paying ~
Don’t reach for the fu#&!!! bill!
If you’ve already paid for six meals in a row, the idea that you’re cheap has been put to rest.
Rodger
I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks. During that time, our main dating activity has been going out to dinner. We both work in administrative jobs for similar offices, so I’m guessing we earn about the same amount of money.
The problem is, all six times we have gone out to dinner, I ended up paying every time. What happens is that the waitperson brings the bill and puts it on the table. Either right away or after a little while, Rick reaches for the bill and then I reach for it too. I do this because I don’t want to come across as being cheap. But then Rick always lets go of the bill before I do, so I end up paying.
What has happened to chivalry? When did the tables turn so that the girl always ends up paying the bill?
Tired of Paying
Dear Tired of Paying ~
Don’t reach for the fu#&!!! bill!
If you’ve already paid for six meals in a row, the idea that you’re cheap has been put to rest.
Rodger
Friday, September 26, 2008
Moving to the Next Level
Rodger:
Larry and I have been dating for three years. We are monogamous, but we do not live together and are not engaged. We share the same values and like doing the same things, and we have no major issues between us. I have been ready to move to the next level for a year, which means getting engaged and setting a wedding date. I am tempted to pop the question myself, but Larry and I both lean toward the traditional way of doing things, and so it seems like proposing should be his role. But of late I feel like I am on the edge of resenting the fact that I keep waiting and he isn’t moving things forward.
On the Edge of Resentment
Dear On the Edge ~
I AM WRITING THIS FIRST SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SPEAK REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU SEEM TO BE RESIDING!!!
That is, we are now in an age where women are no longer passive entities whose lives are totally dependent upon the actions of men. This is your life, too, and if you want to move your relationship to that next level, be pro-active to make it happen. So pop the question already!
Also, if you and Larry are both as traditional as you claim, surely he also is thinking that three years is more than sufficient time for the dating stage. Indeed, that timeframe was true even in the 1950s that you seem so comfortable with.
Tell him what you want, not by whining or pressuring him, by being a fully equal partner in this relationship—someone who knows what she wants and moves forward to get it.
Rodger
Larry and I have been dating for three years. We are monogamous, but we do not live together and are not engaged. We share the same values and like doing the same things, and we have no major issues between us. I have been ready to move to the next level for a year, which means getting engaged and setting a wedding date. I am tempted to pop the question myself, but Larry and I both lean toward the traditional way of doing things, and so it seems like proposing should be his role. But of late I feel like I am on the edge of resenting the fact that I keep waiting and he isn’t moving things forward.
On the Edge of Resentment
Dear On the Edge ~
I AM WRITING THIS FIRST SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SPEAK REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950S WHERE YOU SEEM TO BE RESIDING!!!
That is, we are now in an age where women are no longer passive entities whose lives are totally dependent upon the actions of men. This is your life, too, and if you want to move your relationship to that next level, be pro-active to make it happen. So pop the question already!
Also, if you and Larry are both as traditional as you claim, surely he also is thinking that three years is more than sufficient time for the dating stage. Indeed, that timeframe was true even in the 1950s that you seem so comfortable with.
Tell him what you want, not by whining or pressuring him, by being a fully equal partner in this relationship—someone who knows what she wants and moves forward to get it.
Rodger
Thursday, September 25, 2008
When Control Freaks Cross the Line
Rodger,
Ever since high school my favorite color has been pink and over the years dozens and dozens of people have told me how good I look in things that are pink. But the guy I have been dating tells me I should not ever wear anything in pink. As a matter of fact after he told me that and then the next time I was wearing something pink when he came to pick me up, he said he would not go out with me that night until I changed.
This would not be so bad (even though I counted them and now have 26 outfits I can no longer wear because they are pink) except that he also has now told me he refuses ever again to spend time with four of my closest friends or my stepbrother who I used to see often because he is my same age. He will not tell me why he dislikes any of these people but I honestly do not see anything major wrong with any of them.
I am at the point in my life where I no longer just want to date to be dating. If a guy is not someone I want to get serious with, I want to move on. Are these two reasons enough for me to move on?
Pretty in Pink
Dear Pretty in Pink ~
You should have dumped him the first time he told you not to wear anything pink.
Well, maybe not the very first time. But definitely the night he said he wouldn’t go out with you until you changed your outfit.
Who does he think he is, your mother?
The guy is definitely too controlling, which means he’s not willing to let you to be who you are. And on top of being a color Nazi, the guy also tries to tell you which of your friends & relatives he doesn’t want to be around. Way over the line.
Definitely tell him buh-bye. And please, please, please, when you announce to him that he should take a hike, be sure to wear something pink.
Rodger
Ever since high school my favorite color has been pink and over the years dozens and dozens of people have told me how good I look in things that are pink. But the guy I have been dating tells me I should not ever wear anything in pink. As a matter of fact after he told me that and then the next time I was wearing something pink when he came to pick me up, he said he would not go out with me that night until I changed.
This would not be so bad (even though I counted them and now have 26 outfits I can no longer wear because they are pink) except that he also has now told me he refuses ever again to spend time with four of my closest friends or my stepbrother who I used to see often because he is my same age. He will not tell me why he dislikes any of these people but I honestly do not see anything major wrong with any of them.
I am at the point in my life where I no longer just want to date to be dating. If a guy is not someone I want to get serious with, I want to move on. Are these two reasons enough for me to move on?
Pretty in Pink
Dear Pretty in Pink ~
You should have dumped him the first time he told you not to wear anything pink.
Well, maybe not the very first time. But definitely the night he said he wouldn’t go out with you until you changed your outfit.
Who does he think he is, your mother?
The guy is definitely too controlling, which means he’s not willing to let you to be who you are. And on top of being a color Nazi, the guy also tries to tell you which of your friends & relatives he doesn’t want to be around. Way over the line.
Definitely tell him buh-bye. And please, please, please, when you announce to him that he should take a hike, be sure to wear something pink.
Rodger
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
To Out or Not to Out?
Dear Rodger,
I’m queer and my best friend in the world is a straight girl name of Christy. She has been dating this guy named Connor for about four months and she is totally smitten with him.
The trouble is that I know that Connor is gay but Christy is totally clueless. She thinks it is cute that his number one hobby is collecting Barbie dolls and that he uses more and better cosmetics than she does.
Should I tell her that Connor is queer? Or should I just keep quiet and prepare to offer her a shoulder to cry on when she finds out on her own?
To Tell or Not to Tell
Dear Tell ~
Tell her.
Be gentle by saying something like, “Christy, I feel like there’s something I need to say to you because I’m your friend & friends need to be honest.”
Make sure she understands that you’re not telling her what to do, only that you feel a need to share some observations.
Besides needing to talk to her because you want to help her avoid heartache, you pretty much have to talk to her because of the scenario that’s likely to play out if you don’t. That is, when she finds out that Connor is a ho-ho, she’ll immediately ask you if you knew. If you tell her the truth, she’ll likely feel betrayed that you didn’t share your observations with her earlier.
Also, are you absolutely sure Connor the Cosmetic Connoisseur is queer? I mean, I totally agree with you that the Barbie doll & cosmetics fetishes are solid evidence. But, then again, metrosexuals can be awfully fey but still have a yen for va-j-js.
(No, I’m not telling you to put Connor to the test by going to bed with him—you little slut! I’m just saying you need to lay out the evidence to Christy without jumping to conclusions.)
Rodger
I’m queer and my best friend in the world is a straight girl name of Christy. She has been dating this guy named Connor for about four months and she is totally smitten with him.
The trouble is that I know that Connor is gay but Christy is totally clueless. She thinks it is cute that his number one hobby is collecting Barbie dolls and that he uses more and better cosmetics than she does.
Should I tell her that Connor is queer? Or should I just keep quiet and prepare to offer her a shoulder to cry on when she finds out on her own?
To Tell or Not to Tell
Dear Tell ~
Tell her.
Be gentle by saying something like, “Christy, I feel like there’s something I need to say to you because I’m your friend & friends need to be honest.”
Make sure she understands that you’re not telling her what to do, only that you feel a need to share some observations.
Besides needing to talk to her because you want to help her avoid heartache, you pretty much have to talk to her because of the scenario that’s likely to play out if you don’t. That is, when she finds out that Connor is a ho-ho, she’ll immediately ask you if you knew. If you tell her the truth, she’ll likely feel betrayed that you didn’t share your observations with her earlier.
Also, are you absolutely sure Connor the Cosmetic Connoisseur is queer? I mean, I totally agree with you that the Barbie doll & cosmetics fetishes are solid evidence. But, then again, metrosexuals can be awfully fey but still have a yen for va-j-js.
(No, I’m not telling you to put Connor to the test by going to bed with him—you little slut! I’m just saying you need to lay out the evidence to Christy without jumping to conclusions.)
Rodger
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Parents Vs. Significant Other
Dear Rodger ~
I owe my parents a lot. They paid for my college education, which was a huge sacrifice because they had to save for twenty years, including not going on vacations and not buying extras that would have made their lives more pleasant.
My fiancée knows how they sacrificed for me, so from the first time she met them, she tried to please them. The first time we all went to church, my mother gave her the evil eye because she wore pants. Since then, when we go to church, Pamela wears a skirt. At holiday dinners she helps Mom make dinner while we men watch TV and then afterwards while the men watch more TV and the women wash the dishes.
We have a date for the wedding but now I am worried about what is coming. I know my parents will insist that Pamela stop working when we have children. If she keeps working, which I know she will want, my parents will criticize her. What advice do you have for me?
Pulled in Two Directions
Dear Pulled ~
My advice: Grow up.
Yes, your parents sacrificed a great deal for you, & you should continue to acknowledge that. But you’re a big boy now, & that means it’s time to live your own life. You & Pamela need to make your own life decisions, just as your parents did while you were growing up.
The future will bring situations when your parents have one preference while you & Pamela have another. Talk with Pamela about each of these life choices & move forward with them. But don’t expect her to carry all the burden. It was her decision to adjust her wardrobe for church, but it won’t be her decision to continue to work when you have children. That will be your joint decision—one made by the two of you together.
Indeed, it will be disrespectful to your parents if you don’t make these decisions & then put them into practice. That is, parents don’t merely pay the tuition so their child can learn about physics & Shakespeare. They also invest in their child so he or she grows into a responsible adult who’s fully capable of making life decisions.
You don’t have to wait until you’re married to begin this decision-making. At your next family dinner, stand up & wash those damned dishes!
Rodger
I owe my parents a lot. They paid for my college education, which was a huge sacrifice because they had to save for twenty years, including not going on vacations and not buying extras that would have made their lives more pleasant.
My fiancée knows how they sacrificed for me, so from the first time she met them, she tried to please them. The first time we all went to church, my mother gave her the evil eye because she wore pants. Since then, when we go to church, Pamela wears a skirt. At holiday dinners she helps Mom make dinner while we men watch TV and then afterwards while the men watch more TV and the women wash the dishes.
We have a date for the wedding but now I am worried about what is coming. I know my parents will insist that Pamela stop working when we have children. If she keeps working, which I know she will want, my parents will criticize her. What advice do you have for me?
Pulled in Two Directions
Dear Pulled ~
My advice: Grow up.
Yes, your parents sacrificed a great deal for you, & you should continue to acknowledge that. But you’re a big boy now, & that means it’s time to live your own life. You & Pamela need to make your own life decisions, just as your parents did while you were growing up.
The future will bring situations when your parents have one preference while you & Pamela have another. Talk with Pamela about each of these life choices & move forward with them. But don’t expect her to carry all the burden. It was her decision to adjust her wardrobe for church, but it won’t be her decision to continue to work when you have children. That will be your joint decision—one made by the two of you together.
Indeed, it will be disrespectful to your parents if you don’t make these decisions & then put them into practice. That is, parents don’t merely pay the tuition so their child can learn about physics & Shakespeare. They also invest in their child so he or she grows into a responsible adult who’s fully capable of making life decisions.
You don’t have to wait until you’re married to begin this decision-making. At your next family dinner, stand up & wash those damned dishes!
Rodger
Monday, September 22, 2008
When a Spouse Makes a 180-Degree Career Turn
Dear Rodger,
Bill and I started dating while we were in law school. As soon as we graduated a year ago, we got married and both took jobs at mid-sized firms here in Toledo. From the beginning, I loved my job, but Bill hated his, mostly because of the office politics. (My firm has that too, but I kind of like it). Three months ago, Bill came home and announced to me out of the blue that he had quit the firm, without talking to me about it in advance.
Since then he has been working at a nursery, he mostly plants trees and bushes. He says he loves the work. His boss has offered him the chance to advance to a higher level, by supervising other laborers, but Bill refuses because he does not want to have anything to do with personnel.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I guess I’m glad that he likes his work. But on the other hand, he makes less that half what he made at the firm, and now he definitely isn’t working up to his potential. I’m having a really hard time with all of this, because I feel like I walked down the aisle with one guy but now I’m married to a different one.
Where Did the Groom Go?
Dear Where Did the Groom Go?—
You “guess” you’re glad he likes his work? Could we have some enthusiasm here?
My suggestion is that the two of you also apply to become The Poster Couple for Why People Should Not Marry Until They Are Settled in Their Careers . . . but I fear that job doesn’t pay as much as you’d like.
OK, now that I have those two snarky comments out of my system, I’ll try to say something that’s actually helpful.
My overriding opinion is that if you’re both happy with your work, you’re way ahead of most couples. Stick with your commitment to each other & enjoy life.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your displeasure with Hubby is outweighing your job satisfaction. You need to tell him that, calmly but directly. You also need to communicate that a decision as significant as him changing careers is one that you needed to discuss in advance of him making.
After that talk, the two of you need to think about where you are both in your careers & your marriage. Don’t do anything rash. If you committed yourself to this marriage & the only major issue between you is Hubby’s 180-turn in his career, you definitely need to stick with the marriage for more than a year. Way more.
Rodger
Bill and I started dating while we were in law school. As soon as we graduated a year ago, we got married and both took jobs at mid-sized firms here in Toledo. From the beginning, I loved my job, but Bill hated his, mostly because of the office politics. (My firm has that too, but I kind of like it). Three months ago, Bill came home and announced to me out of the blue that he had quit the firm, without talking to me about it in advance.
Since then he has been working at a nursery, he mostly plants trees and bushes. He says he loves the work. His boss has offered him the chance to advance to a higher level, by supervising other laborers, but Bill refuses because he does not want to have anything to do with personnel.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I guess I’m glad that he likes his work. But on the other hand, he makes less that half what he made at the firm, and now he definitely isn’t working up to his potential. I’m having a really hard time with all of this, because I feel like I walked down the aisle with one guy but now I’m married to a different one.
Where Did the Groom Go?
Dear Where Did the Groom Go?—
You “guess” you’re glad he likes his work? Could we have some enthusiasm here?
My suggestion is that the two of you also apply to become The Poster Couple for Why People Should Not Marry Until They Are Settled in Their Careers . . . but I fear that job doesn’t pay as much as you’d like.
OK, now that I have those two snarky comments out of my system, I’ll try to say something that’s actually helpful.
My overriding opinion is that if you’re both happy with your work, you’re way ahead of most couples. Stick with your commitment to each other & enjoy life.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your displeasure with Hubby is outweighing your job satisfaction. You need to tell him that, calmly but directly. You also need to communicate that a decision as significant as him changing careers is one that you needed to discuss in advance of him making.
After that talk, the two of you need to think about where you are both in your careers & your marriage. Don’t do anything rash. If you committed yourself to this marriage & the only major issue between you is Hubby’s 180-turn in his career, you definitely need to stick with the marriage for more than a year. Way more.
Rodger
Sunday, September 21, 2008
When Family & Friends Give a Thumbs Down
Rodger,
I am very close with several members of my family and I also have a number of dear friends who have been a part of my life for a long time, some of them all the way back to high school. What has me concerned is that every single one of these relatives and friends has told me that they do not like the guy I am dating, even though we are getting serious. This has never ever happened before. There have been times when one or two friends or my older sister has not liked one of my boyfriends, but never ever every single one of them. I am an adult and usually make my own decisions but I am wondering this time if maybe they are seeing something about this guy that I am somehow blind to.
Am I Blind?
Dear Helen Keller ~
One of the red flags that something is wrong with your relationship is when the people who know you best consistently advise you that the guy’s not right for you. You don’t seem to be questioning whether these people care about you, so it definitely sounds like they’re seeing something you aren’t.
Dump the guy.
Rodger
I am very close with several members of my family and I also have a number of dear friends who have been a part of my life for a long time, some of them all the way back to high school. What has me concerned is that every single one of these relatives and friends has told me that they do not like the guy I am dating, even though we are getting serious. This has never ever happened before. There have been times when one or two friends or my older sister has not liked one of my boyfriends, but never ever every single one of them. I am an adult and usually make my own decisions but I am wondering this time if maybe they are seeing something about this guy that I am somehow blind to.
Am I Blind?
Dear Helen Keller ~
One of the red flags that something is wrong with your relationship is when the people who know you best consistently advise you that the guy’s not right for you. You don’t seem to be questioning whether these people care about you, so it definitely sounds like they’re seeing something you aren’t.
Dump the guy.
Rodger
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Limits of Matchmaking
Dear Rodger—
Everything I read about you tells me that you are the ideal person to help me. The problem is not about my romantic life because Daniel and I have been dating for six months and that is all good.
The problem I need your help with involves my oldest and best friend and another friend I made more recently.
The thing is both of these guys are gay, and I know they would make a perfect couple. Parvez and I met in college so we have been friends for eight years—people say we are the perfect Will and Grace. I only met Jonathan a few months ago when he started working in my office, but I know the two of them are perfect for each other because they are both caring people who have a great sense of humor.
The problem is that I invited them out to dinner with me and Daniel, and they didn’t click at all. I look back on it now and think that I was probably the problem because I was so intent on turning them into a couple that I caused the evening to be too tense.
How can I make Parvez and Jonathan see how perfect they are for each other? I am thinking of trying another double date but not pushing so hard this time.
Frustrated Matchmaker
Dear Frustrated Matchmaker ~
I learned a long time ago that the only thing I can “make” other people . . . is a cheese sandwich.
In the particular instance you’ve described, you have to accept the fact that just because you think your friends are perfect for each other, that doesn’t mean they are. There’s such a thing as chemistry, & it’s not based on logic or what seems like it should work “on paper.”
Then again, you’re probably right that your intensity may have contributed to the double date not going well. (Incidentally, are you familiar with the adjective “controlling”?)
My advice is that you stop trying so hard. Definitely don’t try another double date. If you try anything at all, invite both Parvez & Jonathan to a large social event—such as a party or barbecue—with a minimum of 15 people. If something is going to happen between your two gay buds, it’ll happen without you . . . or not.
Rodger
Everything I read about you tells me that you are the ideal person to help me. The problem is not about my romantic life because Daniel and I have been dating for six months and that is all good.
The problem I need your help with involves my oldest and best friend and another friend I made more recently.
The thing is both of these guys are gay, and I know they would make a perfect couple. Parvez and I met in college so we have been friends for eight years—people say we are the perfect Will and Grace. I only met Jonathan a few months ago when he started working in my office, but I know the two of them are perfect for each other because they are both caring people who have a great sense of humor.
The problem is that I invited them out to dinner with me and Daniel, and they didn’t click at all. I look back on it now and think that I was probably the problem because I was so intent on turning them into a couple that I caused the evening to be too tense.
How can I make Parvez and Jonathan see how perfect they are for each other? I am thinking of trying another double date but not pushing so hard this time.
Frustrated Matchmaker
Dear Frustrated Matchmaker ~
I learned a long time ago that the only thing I can “make” other people . . . is a cheese sandwich.
In the particular instance you’ve described, you have to accept the fact that just because you think your friends are perfect for each other, that doesn’t mean they are. There’s such a thing as chemistry, & it’s not based on logic or what seems like it should work “on paper.”
Then again, you’re probably right that your intensity may have contributed to the double date not going well. (Incidentally, are you familiar with the adjective “controlling”?)
My advice is that you stop trying so hard. Definitely don’t try another double date. If you try anything at all, invite both Parvez & Jonathan to a large social event—such as a party or barbecue—with a minimum of 15 people. If something is going to happen between your two gay buds, it’ll happen without you . . . or not.
Rodger
Friday, September 19, 2008
Being Alone Can Be Part of Being Together
Dear Rodger,
Steve and I have been living together for almost a year. Things are generally going well. Our time living together has reassured both of us that we are compatible when it comes to our finances and our sex life and all those things that sometimes can be irritants when you and another person are sharing the same space day in and day out.
The one thing that is unsettling is my need for alone time. Sometimes I just need to be by myself and away from Steve. It isn’t that he has doing anything wrong per se, I would just rather be alone than with him.
Several different times I have said things like “I need to be away from you for awhile, so I’m going to Starbucks for a cup of coffee” or “I’m feeling smothered, do you mind if I go to a movie by myself?” But every time this happens, Steve looks and acts terribly hurt, like he is a little puppy dog that I am abandoning. For the next couple days after such an incident, the tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Am I wrong?
I Just Want to Be Alone
Dear Alone ~
Yes, you are wrong.
Not about wanting or needing to be alone, but about how you tell Steve. Instead of saying “I need to be away from you for awhile” or “I’m feeling smothered,” say “I need to be alone for awhile” or “I’d like to be alone with my own thoughts.”
Neither of these phrasings that I’m suggesting is accusing Steve of doing anything wrong. They are way better because they’re simply stating your needs, which are completely consistent with the basic human need to be alone from time to time.
Rodger
Steve and I have been living together for almost a year. Things are generally going well. Our time living together has reassured both of us that we are compatible when it comes to our finances and our sex life and all those things that sometimes can be irritants when you and another person are sharing the same space day in and day out.
The one thing that is unsettling is my need for alone time. Sometimes I just need to be by myself and away from Steve. It isn’t that he has doing anything wrong per se, I would just rather be alone than with him.
Several different times I have said things like “I need to be away from you for awhile, so I’m going to Starbucks for a cup of coffee” or “I’m feeling smothered, do you mind if I go to a movie by myself?” But every time this happens, Steve looks and acts terribly hurt, like he is a little puppy dog that I am abandoning. For the next couple days after such an incident, the tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Am I wrong?
I Just Want to Be Alone
Dear Alone ~
Yes, you are wrong.
Not about wanting or needing to be alone, but about how you tell Steve. Instead of saying “I need to be away from you for awhile” or “I’m feeling smothered,” say “I need to be alone for awhile” or “I’d like to be alone with my own thoughts.”
Neither of these phrasings that I’m suggesting is accusing Steve of doing anything wrong. They are way better because they’re simply stating your needs, which are completely consistent with the basic human need to be alone from time to time.
Rodger
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Too Geeky for Words
Rodger,
My name is Mary Lou and I am 28. I have been dating for many years and have learned a lot. I am now at that point where it is time to settle down but one of the things I have learned is that you cannot change another person. Which is why I have a problem.
I am dating a guy named Jim who has a lot going for him (good education and job, very sensitive). The problem is, he is a total and complete geek. Not in how he interacts with people or in his social life, but in how he dresses and grooms himself (if you can call wearing his hair long and scraggly “grooming”). I have broached the subject but he just shrugs his shoulders and says things like “I don’t care how I look” and “I’m not going to waste my time shopping or spending all day in some beauty parlor.”
I am no Kate Hudson in the beauty department, but I care about how I look and need a guy I’m not embarrassed to be seen with.
Is it time for me to move on?
Girl with a Geek
Dear Girl with a Geek ~
You’re right when you say “you cannot change another person,” but that’s really only relevant to fundamental changes such as trying to turn a cab driver into a brain surgeon or a small-town mayor into the Vice President of the United States (oops! Too political for my first answer. Sorry. Couldn’t help myself!)
Jim doesn’t need to be changed, he just needs a personal shopper & a stylist. And both of their names are Mary Lou.
I’d start slow by, say, giving him a tasteful shirt from Banana Republic for his birthday or some holiday, such as Valentine’s Day. If that goes well, move on to a few more items of clothing & then—once you have his confidence—a one-hour session with a hair stylist.
It won’t be easy. Before the hair styling, for example, you’ll need to take some photos of Jim & his scraggly hair to the stylist ahead of time so he knows what he’s working with.
Considering all the things you say Jimbo has going for him (educated, sensitive, etc.), he’s well worth the investment.
Rodger
My name is Mary Lou and I am 28. I have been dating for many years and have learned a lot. I am now at that point where it is time to settle down but one of the things I have learned is that you cannot change another person. Which is why I have a problem.
I am dating a guy named Jim who has a lot going for him (good education and job, very sensitive). The problem is, he is a total and complete geek. Not in how he interacts with people or in his social life, but in how he dresses and grooms himself (if you can call wearing his hair long and scraggly “grooming”). I have broached the subject but he just shrugs his shoulders and says things like “I don’t care how I look” and “I’m not going to waste my time shopping or spending all day in some beauty parlor.”
I am no Kate Hudson in the beauty department, but I care about how I look and need a guy I’m not embarrassed to be seen with.
Is it time for me to move on?
Girl with a Geek
Dear Girl with a Geek ~
You’re right when you say “you cannot change another person,” but that’s really only relevant to fundamental changes such as trying to turn a cab driver into a brain surgeon or a small-town mayor into the Vice President of the United States (oops! Too political for my first answer. Sorry. Couldn’t help myself!)
Jim doesn’t need to be changed, he just needs a personal shopper & a stylist. And both of their names are Mary Lou.
I’d start slow by, say, giving him a tasteful shirt from Banana Republic for his birthday or some holiday, such as Valentine’s Day. If that goes well, move on to a few more items of clothing & then—once you have his confidence—a one-hour session with a hair stylist.
It won’t be easy. Before the hair styling, for example, you’ll need to take some photos of Jim & his scraggly hair to the stylist ahead of time so he knows what he’s working with.
Considering all the things you say Jimbo has going for him (educated, sensitive, etc.), he’s well worth the investment.
Rodger
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Welcome!
Hi, All--
I’ve chosen Sept. 18 as the official launch date for my relationship advice blog because that’s the date of Tom & my anniversary.
Creating this blog is really exciting for me, as I see it as the next phase of my life. I’ve already had careers as a journalist & a professor, plus I’ve picked up several academic degrees & written several books along the way. Now it’s time for a new adventure.
So please send your questions my way—
Rodger
PS I guarantee absolute anonymity, as I promise that no one will read your questions except me.
I’ve chosen Sept. 18 as the official launch date for my relationship advice blog because that’s the date of Tom & my anniversary.
Creating this blog is really exciting for me, as I see it as the next phase of my life. I’ve already had careers as a journalist & a professor, plus I’ve picked up several academic degrees & written several books along the way. Now it’s time for a new adventure.
So please send your questions my way—
Rodger
PS I guarantee absolute anonymity, as I promise that no one will read your questions except me.
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