Dear Rodger,
Bill and I started dating while we were in law school. As soon as we graduated a year ago, we got married and both took jobs at mid-sized firms here in Toledo. From the beginning, I loved my job, but Bill hated his, mostly because of the office politics. (My firm has that too, but I kind of like it). Three months ago, Bill came home and announced to me out of the blue that he had quit the firm, without talking to me about it in advance.
Since then he has been working at a nursery, he mostly plants trees and bushes. He says he loves the work. His boss has offered him the chance to advance to a higher level, by supervising other laborers, but Bill refuses because he does not want to have anything to do with personnel.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I guess I’m glad that he likes his work. But on the other hand, he makes less that half what he made at the firm, and now he definitely isn’t working up to his potential. I’m having a really hard time with all of this, because I feel like I walked down the aisle with one guy but now I’m married to a different one.
Where Did the Groom Go?
Dear Where Did the Groom Go?—
You “guess” you’re glad he likes his work? Could we have some enthusiasm here?
My suggestion is that the two of you also apply to become The Poster Couple for Why People Should Not Marry Until They Are Settled in Their Careers . . . but I fear that job doesn’t pay as much as you’d like.
OK, now that I have those two snarky comments out of my system, I’ll try to say something that’s actually helpful.
My overriding opinion is that if you’re both happy with your work, you’re way ahead of most couples. Stick with your commitment to each other & enjoy life.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your displeasure with Hubby is outweighing your job satisfaction. You need to tell him that, calmly but directly. You also need to communicate that a decision as significant as him changing careers is one that you needed to discuss in advance of him making.
After that talk, the two of you need to think about where you are both in your careers & your marriage. Don’t do anything rash. If you committed yourself to this marriage & the only major issue between you is Hubby’s 180-turn in his career, you definitely need to stick with the marriage for more than a year. Way more.
Rodger
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4 comments:
Great response, Rodge! I can't believe this woman is whining about her husband not for cheating or for getting drunk every week or for beating her but because he doesn't make enough money.
I love your answer to the letter. I made a similar change in careers--going from a stock broker to a graphic artist--a few years ago. That change has, well, changed my life completely. I am a much happier person doing what I like doing than doing something I hated but made a lot of money at. And the change has improved my relationships, too, because I now like myself, which makes me able to like others as well.
This woman is just a big old whiner. The husband is the one who should be questioning if he should stay in the marriage.
Seems to me the wife is way more concerned about her husband's social status than about his happiness. Ugh.
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