Being Alone Can Be Part of Being Together

Dear Rodger,

Steve and I have been living together for almost a year. Things are generally going well. Our time living together has reassured both of us that we are compatible when it comes to our finances and our sex life and all those things that sometimes can be irritants when you and another person are sharing the same space day in and day out.

The one thing that is unsettling is my need for alone time. Sometimes I just need to be by myself and away from Steve. It isn’t that he has doing anything wrong per se, I would just rather be alone than with him.

Several different times I have said things like “I need to be away from you for awhile, so I’m going to Starbucks for a cup of coffee” or “I’m feeling smothered, do you mind if I go to a movie by myself?” But every time this happens, Steve looks and acts terribly hurt, like he is a little puppy dog that I am abandoning. For the next couple days after such an incident, the tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Am I wrong?

I Just Want to Be Alone


Dear Alone ~

Yes, you are wrong.

Not about wanting or needing to be alone, but about how you tell Steve. Instead of saying “I need to be away from you for awhile” or “I’m feeling smothered,” say “I need to be alone for awhile” or “I’d like to be alone with my own thoughts.”

Neither of these phrasings that I’m suggesting is accusing Steve of doing anything wrong. They are way better because they’re simply stating your needs, which are completely consistent with the basic human need to be alone from time to time.

Rodger