Parents Vs. Significant Other

Dear Rodger ~

I owe my parents a lot. They paid for my college education, which was a huge sacrifice because they had to save for twenty years, including not going on vacations and not buying extras that would have made their lives more pleasant.

My fiancée knows how they sacrificed for me, so from the first time she met them, she tried to please them. The first time we all went to church, my mother gave her the evil eye because she wore pants. Since then, when we go to church, Pamela wears a skirt. At holiday dinners she helps Mom make dinner while we men watch TV and then afterwards while the men watch more TV and the women wash the dishes.

We have a date for the wedding but now I am worried about what is coming. I know my parents will insist that Pamela stop working when we have children. If she keeps working, which I know she will want, my parents will criticize her. What advice do you have for me?

Pulled in Two Directions


Dear Pulled ~

My advice: Grow up.

Yes, your parents sacrificed a great deal for you, & you should continue to acknowledge that. But you’re a big boy now, & that means it’s time to live your own life. You & Pamela need to make your own life decisions, just as your parents did while you were growing up.

The future will bring situations when your parents have one preference while you & Pamela have another. Talk with Pamela about each of these life choices & move forward with them. But don’t expect her to carry all the burden. It was her decision to adjust her wardrobe for church, but it won’t be her decision to continue to work when you have children. That will be your joint decision—one made by the two of you together.

Indeed, it will be disrespectful to your parents if you don’t make these decisions & then put them into practice. That is, parents don’t merely pay the tuition so their child can learn about physics & Shakespeare. They also invest in their child so he or she grows into a responsible adult who’s fully capable of making life decisions.

You don’t have to wait until you’re married to begin this decision-making. At your next family dinner, stand up & wash those damned dishes!

Rodger