Dear Rodger:
I am 25 years old and just completed my PhD in U.S. history. I have been in a relationship for two years with a professor I met who is tenured and teaching in the English department at my university. He is 45. Our university has a rule that prohibits the hiring of people with PhDs from this university. My partner says that he is willing to give up his tenured position here in order to move to another university where we can both have positions, me in a history department and him in an English department.
His one stipulation is that the university where we both go has to be in a large metropolitan area. His reason for this is: “I do not want to give up my tenured position to move to some remote university and then we break up and I am left in some tiny little town with no gay community and therefore no possibility for finding another partner.”
This stipulation makes me very angry. It sends me the message that he does not have faith in our relationship and is already planning for what he will do next once our relationship ends. Is my anger justified?
Angry
Dear Angry ~
I can understand how your partner’s stipulation & reasoning give you pause, but I’m not sure your anger is justified.
He will be making a major sacrifice for you & the relationship if he gives up his tenured position. In that context, his stipulation seems reasonable.
Besides, wouldn’t you also prefer moving to a university located in a city with a large gay community?
Rodger
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7 comments:
why would any gay guys want to move to some backwater college town with no other gays? makes perfect sense to me that they would only move to places with big and strong gay communities
it was interesting for me to think aboaut a gay professor has to think aboaut whether a certain university is set in a city with a lot of gay people - it makes sense i just would not have thought about that
This guy sounds very controlling to me. I mean, its one thing for him to think that he might break up with this guy so he should plan for that potentiality, but to say it out loud to force the other guy to move to where he wants to move--totally controlling.
this Margaret commenter chick is an idiot - she says it's find for the guy to think something but he shouldn't admit it to his partner - that's great communication advice!
what this guy says doesn't make any sense - he says there are no gays around but i run into gays everywhere i go - i don't think it would be possible eve to find a single town that doesn't have at leass some gays in it
. . . not that there's anything wrong with that.
the Mike dude is another idiot - he seems to think that if you have two guys in a town, they'll automatically become a couple - NOT!
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