Dear Rodger,
Almost a year ago I broke up with Kevin after we dated for two years. My problem with him was that he is a highly prejudiced person. He has strong negative feelings about persons of color as well as gays. I told him repeatedly that I did not find his bigotry acceptable but he said he could not change. Kevin is very successful professionally because he is a lawyer and makes alot of money. He also is attractive and is eager to get married and have children.
The complication I am writing about has to do with my mother. She loved Kevin and she has continued to keep in touch with him since I broke up with him. They e-mail each other every day and they repeatedly have lunch and dinner. Every time they get together she then tells me how wonderful he is and how he still loves me. I tell her I do not want to hear about him but she keeps babbling on about how great he is and how wrong I am for breaking up with him. I get very tired of hearing her but I have no interest in getting back together with someone so prejudiced. Do you have any advice for me?
Tired of Hearing Her
Dear Tired of Hearing Her ~
I don’t suppose your mother is in a position to marry Kevin, huh, even though they appear to have been dating for some time?
OK, now that I have that snarky comment behind me, I’ll trying to offer you some help.
My suggestion is that you tell your mother that you don’t want to hear about Kevin. I’d also advise that you tell her, if you haven’t already, the reason: that he’s a bigot. If she still insists on talking about him, walk away.
Obviously it will be more difficult for you to walk away in some settings than in others. If you & your mother are out to dinner, leave the restaurant. If you are at a family event where there are many people, you may be able to walk away from Mom & talk to other relatives. Then again, you may have to leave the event altogether.
My bottom-line point is that you’re an adult who has to set boundaries for your mother. Your mother’s relationship with you is more important to her than her relationship with Kevin. So if you force her to choose between you & him, she’ll choose you.
Rodger
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7 comments:
I have been in this scenario more than once. My mother and sometimes even my father like certain BFs much better than I do. The advice is dead on right that you just have to keep telling them that it is your choice who you date or marry and not theirs but sometmes it requires you to tell them that far more times than it should.
FWIW i am sure the real problem here is that the mom doesn't care if Kevin is a bigot she just wants her kid to marry a dude who makes lots of money
This is an age-old problem. So many mothers think they should be intimately involved in selecting a daughter's future husband. I believe it is partly out of concern that they want good fathers for their future grandchildren, but it can be extremely challenging for a girl to keep her mother at bay. Another complication, like the other commenter said, is that some mothers have very different priorities as to what a girl should be looking for in a husband. A guy being a bigot is a deal breaker for most girls of a young age but some mothers do not see that as such a big problem at all because bigotry was standard operating procedure when they were young.
Mothers and BFs! Now that is a topic for an entire book. My mom still keeps in touch with one of my old BFs I have not had contact with for 10 years. I sometimes fear she is going to disown me and adopt his current GF!
i won't say that there wasn't more bigotry in the past than there is today - but please don't suggest that bigotry is a thing of the past - hardly!
I do not by any means intend to defend bigotry but I want to say that mothers often are right when they urge their daughters to stick with one guy or to move on to a different one. Maybe not all mothers but certainly most mothers want the best for thier daughters and that includes the best possible husband.
The real issue here is not about Mom and the BF. The bottom line issue is that this girl has to set boundaries on what are the limits of how far her Mom can go in running her daughter's life. If the girl is paying her own expenses and supporting herself, Mom has no business getting involved in what her adult daughter does with her life, whether it is what kind of job she has or where she lives or who her friends are--or who she dates.
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