Rodger—
I have what our culture calls “a friend with benefits.” In other words, I have known this guy for a couple of years and we have sex with each other, generally once a week. Neither one of us considers us to be a couple though. I am recently beginning to have emotional feelings for the guy, but I am afraid to mention my feelings to him because I fear that could disrupt the good sex. What are your thoughts?
Unsure
Dear Unsure~
You have sex once a week but do not talk about your feelings. Sounds like a typical marriage to me.
My advice is that you figure out what the Hell you want & then articulate those desires, first to yourself & then to your friend.
Rodger
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8 comments:
NO ONE SHOULD DEMEAN FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS - THIS IS VERY MUCH PART OF WHO WE ARE TODAY WITHOUT THOSE OLD SCHOOL DISTINCTIONS OF DATING OR BEING ENGAGED OR BEING MARRIED OR BEING PARTNERS OR WHATEVER - FINDING SATISFACTION SEXUALLY WITHOUT BEING ALL BOUND UP WITH EMOTIONS IS PERFECTLY SATISFYING FOR MANY OF US - FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED OR PARTNERED THAT IS FINE FOR THEM BUT HAVING THE FREEDOM TO GO DOWN A DIFFERENT ROAD IS FINE TOO
This whole idea of friends with benefits is ridiculous. It reduces "having sex" to the same level as "going to a movie" or else "having coffee" with a friend.
Ridiculous.
i have been reading your advice every day and generally like it a lot which is why i keep reading it - today's advice for the first time, though, really shows your distance from today's younger generation - we millennials think of friends with benefits as a routine option when having friends or dating - you clearly do not see that
i agree with bob and shannon that having friends with benefits is part of the youth culture today. the older generation may not approve, but that doesn't matter to us. it works in our lives just great--no strings, no complications--as long as the girl doesn't get emotions about it.
after reading the comments from a couple people who say they speak for the millennials, i have to speak up and say you do not speak for ALL millennials. this is because you definitely do not speak for me. i have never had a friend with benefits and i never intend to. i have had several girlfriends who have tried that and each and every one of them now regrets it. i guess if you can have sex without any emotions getting involved maybe it can work--but we are not MEN!
Going in this friends with benefits direction does not work--and I speak from experience. It's okay when you're in high school or college. Once you get in your mid 20s and want to move toward finding a fulfilling longterm relationship it doesn't work.
As someone who is both a millennial and a man, I resent Maggie's suggestion that men do not have emotions. You are speaking in distasteful stereotypes, and you are WRONG!
I can't believe I have to say this, but: men have emotions, and many of us have deeper emotions than many women.
WTF! - no, not generational differences - it's about who believes in emotions, who doesn't - dudes, girls, no difference
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